people pleasing

When it rains it pours

So I was out of order due to depression. That’s it’s own story reserved for another time, and I’m doing well now. But you know that saying ‘when it doesn’t rain it pours’? Well, I hurt my back again – sciatica.

Holy hell it hurt. At work, I was told to get it sorted out once and for all. I wanted to go the physio route, but that didn’t correspond with getting it sorted out on demand. So off I went to the doctor, who refered me to a neurosurgeon who booked me into hospital. And there I stayed for 5 days being poked, prodded and drugged while still in an enormous amout of pain.

A slipped disk at L5 was diagnosed. Xrays, an MRI scan, loads of morphine and three days later – I was still no better off. An operation with a 3 week recovery period was considered, but an epidural decided upon. But for all the pain, it didn’t take. Of course it didn’t take! Nothing with me is ever uncomplicated or easy.

I was discharged this past Sunday, a horrifying R4000 lighter in pocket, and in just as much pain as I started with. The lesson I will take from this is, never ever undertake a medical health decision in order to please, or appease, someone unrelated to your life. Since then I’ve been seeing a physio, as I’d originally intended, and I’m making good progress.

In keeping with the raining and pouring theory, my internet connection at home has finally breathed it’s last death-rattle. So I’m out of touch with the rest of the world for now. I need to wait until I move into my new place on 1 September to decide on a new service provider. So my lack of visits to your blogs are not intentional. In fact I miss you all very much. I can go top secret, undercover and covertly sneak in a few posts and catch up with my wordpress friends intermittently here at work. But shhhh, don’t tell anybody I’m using ‘work resources’.

So please bear with me for the next month or two. Love ya guys ‘n gals

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Lovers, learning curves and life lessons

I can say with concrete certainty that I am over Lover. I still feel the anger of betrayal. What he did changed me in a fundamental way. I watched a documentary recently on sociopaths and narcisissts and they were described as A.I.D’S – Angels In Disguise. They enter our lives to reveal our weaknesses so that we can work on them and become stronger, better people. I’m taking that philosophy and running with it.

My experiences over the past seven months have taught me the following:
– I am not a victim
– I am a people pleaser and I understand the work needed to overcome this
– I have the courage to make hard choices
– I have discovered what my boundaries are (*sigh* at last!)
– I have the ability to enforce those boundaries
– I can trust my instincts with confidence. That no matter the answer to my question, I can trust my gut
– I need to be more guarded about myself – entertain and question suspicion and doubt, instead of telling myself I’m imagining it
– to never make excuses for other people’s behaviour
– I can trust only myself
– I am stronger than I give myself credit for

They have also taught me what I still have yet to learn:
– It’s time to learn about and practice self care
– It’s time to learn to live in love and not in fear [see this post by Bipolar1Blog]
– I need to venture out the house, do stuff, engage with life and people. Life won’t come to me unless I’m out there living it

nothing ever goes away

I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to venture out into the world. To pass by and inspect some doors of opportunity. They don’t just open on their own. So, despite my anxiety, I’m ready to learn the shit out of learning what I need to learn ‘cos I want to stop this repeated cycle of awfulness. And so begins another new learning curve. Buckle up if you want to come along for the ride.

Hello. My name is Pieces, and I am a people-pleaser

I wish I could be that girl that swoops into the office, carefree, blowing invisible kisses in return for her birthday wishes. Who giggles coyly and goes out for drinks after work, getting tipsie, never roaring drunk. Who skips down the passage spreading rainbows and glitter moonbeans from her arse, and everyone loves her for it.

I’m not that girl. I’m that girl who lacks dress sense and common sense. The girl that is melancholy and moody on her birthday. That girl who’s comfort eating has restricted the selection of her wardrobe. That girl that doesn’t want her aging acknowledged because she has achieved nothing in her tired, insipid life.

HELLO, MY NAME IS PIECES, AND I AM A PEOPLE-PLEASER

I have spent 43 years contorting myself, denying myself, damaging myself all in an effort to please others. And the more I succeed in pleasing them, the greater their demands become. What a curse of life, for there is no life to be lived in trying to please people. It becomes a deadly cycle that brings about the death of me, the self, the individual.

I don’t exist. In pleasing others you deny yourself. You live out other’s expectations, desires, dreams and ambitions. You live a life that doesn’t belong to you. You are expected to bend and bow at their demands. You forfeit the right to your own identity, your own voice. You don’t have your own dreams or ambitions because after a lifetime of pleasing people, you don’t exist.

No matter what great self-destruction you bring about yourself in exchange for someone else’s validation, her approval, his permission; to submit or conform or comply……. to be loved…. it is never enough, never quite achieved. And if it is, the personal cost to yourself is far greater than the rewards of pleasing these people.

So for godsake, my birthday wish is simple…………… cue Diana Ross aaaaaaand……

STOP! In the name of (self) love , before you break (your) heart……Think it o-o-verrrrrrr…….

GO ON! DO THE ACTIONS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

 

Just for today

Today, I choose
not to abuse
myself with my mind
for one day, just put behind
what I lack
or will never get back
what I haven’t or didn’t
what I bloody well shouldn’t
have done with myself and my life

I’ve grown old being told
what to do, being controlled
judged by another’s set of rules
a logic that’s sure to confuse
so I go through the motions
deliver pleasing emotions
but not today,
today, I will be kind
and set free my mind
from being confined
just for today