memory loss

The magic of memory loss

forgetful

The medications I take for my bipolar leave me with a severely impaired memory. On the bright side, I can watch the same movie over and over again as if I were watching it for the first time. I never hold a grudge because I can never remember the details of the argument in the first place. I am the epitome of forgive and, uhmmm, uhhh, sorry I forget what I was talking about.

Those people who repeatedly repeat themselves? You know the ones, telling those same old stories in boring repetition? Bring it on, ‘cos I didn’t remember it the first time. Books! I never have to buy new ones. I reread what I’ve got again and again ‘cos…… don’t remember!

silver lining

Silver linings

We may hate having to look for them, but sometimes when we do, it can cast a lighter shadow on our lives. What are some of your silver linings?

Id10t errors, lies, and contagious crazy

I’m on my third day back at work. So yep, I’m still gainfully employed. And it wasn’t as bad as I had feared.

I may have my job, but I’ve lost all memory of how to do it! My first day back, I continued in the tradition of ‘village idiot’. The computer’s on but the screen’s not plugged in…. problem exists between chair and keyboard (PEBCAK alert)

*flashing screen

Id10t error – Id10t error – Id10t error – Id10t error

I work within a number of programmes and I hit blanks at every turn. I had no recollection of how to do my job. Patience is my boss’s virtue, note-taking is mine. And together we worked late and got the done. Day three, and I’m quite fluent in job performance.

I went in with a strategy of (1) deflect the question and (2) answer indirectly. The deflecting part worked well for me. Ask them about themselves to take the focus off me. Easy-peasy! But to answer indirectly is not in my makeup. I’m bipolar. Got no filters. So I turned to our stock in trade….. I LIED. I lied, I lied, I lied like my pants was on fire!!

horse face

Fiiiiiiiine thanks! Very well thank you. I’m great! Yes, I’m all good now. Well thanks! Excellent thanks, ready for the new year. You know there’s the smile, and then there’s the teeth-and-gums smile. Sure you can guess which one was mine.

I have always been open about my mental illness. In 2010 I had a rather public breakdown, or perhaps a dissolving would be more appropriate. Since then, I have been open about having bipolar. I blame the lack of filters, so if I was questioned, I answered honestly. Maybe too honestly sometimes but hey, if you don’t want to know the truth, don’t ask the questions. So mostly people welcomed me back warmly with few intrusive questions. Two people ignored me, brrrrr cold shoulders, and one lady backed out as I offered a ‘happy new year’ hug. Possibly she was concerned crazy could be contagious. I dunno…. and they say we’re strange.

How do you spell ’embicile’?

I was going to wait until I had something ‘intellegtual’ or ‘funny’ to post about. But let’s face it, this is bipolar. There is nohting nice to say about it. So here is my post today, spelling mistakes and all – since I appear to have adopted some type of hyprid dyslexia. Just another delightfully novel side effect from whatever, I forget.

I used to be an encglish fundi. I pride myself on good spelling and grammar. But since being medicated that’s all gone for a bucket of shit. I don’t just misspell words. I haven’t the faintest fucking clue how to spell the word. It’s not like me at all. I have to GOOOOOOGLE ‘how do you spell embicile’.

And today? Memory. Huhhhhh, my bad memory. I put me bihend at work by hours. HOURS I tell you! And I went in early this morning because we’re so buys AND I stayed late to catch up. I make notes. Reminders. But I forget to read my notes. I forget I’ve made notes to be read to remind me.

I googled it. It’s called cognitive something-or-other. I forget. But here’s the link if it interests you http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/972/the-cognitive-connection

The resullt of my confusion, memory fog, cognitive whats-it-whatever is I MAKE MISTAKES. When I make mistakes I get in trouble and if I get in touble enough times, what I fear the most………….. theln I possibly get fired. So for the most part at work, I feel useless, helpless and anxious. And I feel like:
‘HOW DO YOU SPELL EMBILCILE’

My memory serves me ….. an apple crumble?

I’m on a financial diet. So I thought, in the absence of chocolate, I’d rustle up an apple crumble. It went bad very early on.

I had googled the conversion charts for grams to cups, but I only own one ¼ cup. Multiply everything by four? Simple enough, no? No. Flour went first into the bowl, followed by castor sugar. And that’s the point where I stopped in my tracks, wondering exactly how many ¼ cups of flour did I actually dish out? Did I only do 4 or the required 8? Or did I get distracted and only do 6? No idea. My bad memory sabotages everything! At the urging of my sweet tooth, I carried on regardless.

I'm baking?  Be afraid, be very afraid

I’m baking? Be afraid, be very afraid

I could swear I had apples. But noooooo. So, desperate times called for desperate measures. Substitute …. apricot jam. Sort of smeared it on the bottom of the baking dish. Threw in some raisins. Was a bit heavy handed with the cinnamon, crumbled it about and bombed it into the oven.

Later……

My apple crumble without the apples was a giant flop. I did indeed only put 4 x ¼ cups of flour in the dish. I hate it when my memory failure makes me feel stupid. Anyway the result was an inedible cinnamon syrup so sweet it would strip the enamel off your teeth. I’m going to try and revive it by baking it with some cream…… and…… maybe more flour. As I said, desperate times and all that.