marriage

I’m dreaming of …. an alcoholic

Today is a public holiday. All I’ve done is sleep. And dream. I can’t keep my eyes open.

I dreamt I was travelling with my husband and all our cats and dogs. We were staying in a B&B up in the mountains. We were injecting drugs. I don’t know what type, he introduced me to it. He was astounded when he asked me how I felt and I shrugged and said “it’s okay I guess”. It was supposed to be euphoric, the best feeling in the world. And I told him probably if I had 2 injections I might feel like that. Both our eyelids were drooping. We were watching TV, sitting separately from each other, but at least there was harmony. Then there was a tsunami that hit the coast. We were making contingency plans on how to get back home once the water subsided. Next thing I was being woken by the B&B owner. My husband had left without me. Taken all the animals and just left me and my stuff. Everything I loved was gone and I had no way to get home. Then I woke up, disorientated and sweating.

As for the meaning? Probably escapism, addiction, feeling overwhelmed and my sub-conscience working through abandonment issues. I have a lot of dreams involving my old marriage and his alcoholism.

I’ve just woken again from another bad dream about a fat, drunk man, a dead puppy and a philharmonic orchestra with a conductor that had a long finger nail on his middle finger that he used to direct the musicians. He winked at me.

I gasped myself awake and decided I needed chocolate. Stat! So I dragged on yesterday’s clothes and headed for the shops. The residue of the dream clung to me while Michael Buble woefully serenaded a sad love song via the store speakers. I felt lost and wanted to cry. Then I got to the check-out. The guy ahead of me reeked of alcohol; I watched 4 youngsters barrel out of a car – they looked worse for wear; even the cashier smelled drunk! WTF! Is today national alcohol day? Or am I still dreaming?

Sigh. Oh joy. But I suppose at least now I only dream about him and the marriage. It’s all behind me now. I’ve left, I’ve done the hard work. I’ll take an upsetting dream over an upsetting reality any day. But, if I’m honest, I still miss him, there is still a hole in my heart. I don’t know why, because he was heartless. Does it ever heal? Or do you just develop a hardened protective layer over the open wound? I dunno.

‘Aint life just fucking grand, hey…..  Sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Advertisements

Bottoms up

all that you have consumed has turned to vapours
and as you sleep, the steam of yeast and inhibition
blows through the pores of your skin like a slow puncture
and a liquor mist clouds the ceiling and enslaves me
it scratches my throat and chokes me with your neglect
every night the same ritual to varying degrees of abuse
until it is your maiden and I am forsaken for it’s sake
so take your bottle and drown in its nectar again and again
as I close the door behind me and walk away walk away

Goodbye sweet suffering

you fathered a daughter later in life
tried for some time with your unhappy wife
she was born to the world amidst some strife
but once she arrived everything was alright

but alas expectations did far exceed
anything that this child could achieve
try as she might with effort to please
nothing she did was well received

from a child to an adult she soon became
morphing to fit someone else’s name
unaware she’d entered the same old game
to please and submit would all be in vain

she lost herself, her mind her soul
the merger it did not go well
for years she tried to fit the role
but never did she feel quite whole

alone she chose to abdicate
surrendering herself to fate
trade what she loved for her escape
the chance to start with a clean new slate

both men did not her sadness see
blind to her loss of family
wrapped up with their own vanity
neglect was such great agony

abandoned and left out to dry
to help your child you did not try
she had no choice and said goodbye
the sad thing is, you don’t know why

Never in my wildest dreams

I’m finally divorced. The 3 year battle, the test of wills with undercurrents of intimidation, the anxiety and the fear of the unknown, is finally over. My mind and body circulates with a mixture of exhilaration, excitement, relief, peace, a very slight tinge of sadness and then joy, pure unadulterated joy.

Having coffee with my friend today she revealed how worried she had been that I would return. You see, my ex-husband never said goodbye, he never tried to work things out, he never begged me to stay. He had no idea where I was to live. He never once, in the 3 years of divorce proceedings, ever bothered to phone me. At the time is was a massive rejection for me. I’d often cry, my heart broken that I meant so little to him. And that’s why my friend was concerned. One call, it could possibly take just one call, and I would return to the marriage. But I guess grey clouds do indeed deliver silver linings, because he didn’t phone and I didn’t go back.

I’ve taken some days off work to process the change in my life. Despite excitement and feeling energised, there is the polar opposite of the spectrum. I am so very, very tired. I’m trying to stay balanced. I don’t want my super-excited energy to trip over into hypomania, which is a strong possibility seeing as I feel like I can singlehandedly take on the world DAHHH DA DA DHAAAAAAA!

I am proud of myself and what I’ve achieved. I left a 15-year abusive marriage to an alcoholic. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could do it. I didn’t have children to protect, to motivate and drive me to provide a safer environment, to have company and share in the experience, to have a reason to get up in the morning, to belong to a social network at school and other activities. It was me, myself and I. And it was fucking difficult. But I’ve come out the other side and I stand taller. I see a glimmer of self-worth in the grit, determination and perseverance I displayed.

After everything was finalised yesterday, my lawyer said to me “People say you only know a person’s true colours when they are drunk, but I say you only know a person’s true colours when you have to go to court”