Good Guy is a goner

He lied. He drinks.

Every day as opposed to the ‘rarely’ he stated when we met. Quanity? Undertermined… because he’s a liar and I don’t believe a word he says. Why didn’t he at some point in the past 4 months tell me he drinks everyday?

I wanted to protect you

More like he wanted to protect himself. He’s selfish. He wasn’t protecting me. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He knew drinking was a deal breaker for me. So he hid it. He kept it secret. He wanted both alcohol and me, not one or the other. So he lied. But since confronted, he has at no point said – because I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you, so I won’t drink any more. No. Instead he said….

I’m not one to force anything on anybody. So its up to you. Whether you want to just be friends. Its your choice and I’ll understand

But what he didn’t realise is he left me no choice. I will not be subject to having another man choose alcohol over me. So I took back my keys and told him to – go home and “unwind” from your hard day at work, and “chill” with a few beers. Then he threw a manipulation tantrum….

Great! I get robbed today and lose 2 cellphones and now I’ve lost my girlfriend. Thanks! Thanks a lot. What a great time to dump me

Excuse me? He made that choice. He did. He put himself in this position. He’s had four months to come clean with his little secret. And only guilty people keep secrets. He can’t have the best of both worlds. And my world does not contain alcohol. Or liars.

I love you? Horseshit. And here I was, all this time thinking, how lucky could I get – a man who boils the kettle for a cuppa after a long days grind. Turns out he can’t wait to get home to his beers. Well now he gets to spend even more time with them.


Manipulation and pure madness

This time last week Lover was drunk out of his mind, on a bus to Cape Town, and I was having a meltdown. After a few days I began to rearrange the home in an attempt to erase memories of him. And then, just as I felt the dust begin to settle, he phoned me.

Unfortunately, this contact has triggered a harmful pattern of behaviour I fall into whenever a relationship ends. Be it a one week or six month relationship. Even if I am the one that calls it quits! I can’t let go. I won’t let go, dammit! I become obsessed with maintaining contact. Nice messages turn to nasty messages, turn to begging to get back together then about-turn to ending the relationship all over again. I cross the line into crazy in a way that only the extremes of bipolar can do.  I act like a woman possessed

This pattern of behaviour runs circles around me, I feel powerless over the need to be heard, to be acknowledged. Every fibre of my being wants to contact him in the hopes that I’ve not been discarded or forgotten. This week I have acted in pure madness and he has manipulated me every inch of the way. I have sent a barrage of emails and text messages. Days go by with nothing answered or acknowledged. Then just as the dust begings to settle…… another random text message – I’m going to get my meds, have a great day, I will always love you. And then I’m triggered all over again, sending hateful, nastry, cruel messages. What can I say, his emotional abuse by using silent treatment brings out the best in me.

don't text him girl by inessa_emilia - deviantart

Texting Lover is forbidden. I’ve enforced a No Contact rule for myself, for the safety of my own health. (pic)

I have an old phone that can’t block people. But I turned to my good friend, Google, and he found some super-duper apps to block phone calls and text messages. Now I don’t have to worry about some surprise contact just as I begin to settle in to my new life. Now I don’t have to keep obsessively checking my phone 10 million times a day to see if he’s responded. Now I feel safe. And now I can work on letting go, moving forward and never looking back.