love

It’s time to begin

sitting in an empty room
trying to forget the past
this was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so
– Linkin Park Waiting For The End

my landlord is a dick
there is no other word to pick
he creates a lot of stress
and with bipolar I’m a mess
so again last night I cried
cleansing all from my insides
Lover’s betrayal and his portrayal
of someone who was nothing more
than a sociopath plotting to score
I cried and then I cried some more
I let the heartache from me pour
curled up on the cold kitchen floor
I cried until my eyes were sore
I felt a weight lift
my heartache shift
its time to let go
and continue to grow
Linkin Park is a constant friend
and have penned the process to mend
they simply proclaim
‘the hardest part of ending is starting over again’

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Love affliction

two weeks to go but you wouldn’t know

by the lack of excitement for my new home

with each box that’s sealed

more sorrow’s revealed

thoughts of Lover return in full colour

this house serves as my one last memory

of a love before it turned into my enemy

I have not one shred of his evidence left

except this place and leaving, I’m feeling bereft

I don’t know why I still cry

I guess grieving takes a while

I know I served as a distraction

a mere thieving transaction

I have no doubt I am washed from his mind

except for my name to be used in his lies

but he broke me and realistically

it’s an eternity to heal and feel whole again

especially after his ill gotten gains

a conman who held my heart in his fist

I wish I could give this love affliction a miss

Just a thought #2

emotionally unavailable

 

I’ll push you away because I like you, and it seems too good to be true.  I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ll push you away, to test how hard you will hold on, to test what it takes before you abandon me. I’ll push you away because I believe I am unloveable.

I’ll push you away, and no one will be more confused than me.

– Emotional Unavailability

 

 

 

 

Lovestruck, then a kick up my butt

It was 3 weeks in and he turned to me and said “Will you be my girlfriend?” Caught off guard, I managed to nod my head. What unfamiliar territory I was in.

Although more than half a century old, he blossomed into a lovestruck teenager. With visits after work and dinners out, days spent at his home, a night at a concert, it was a whirlwind. He was never without a gift – a box of cigarettes, cards filled with romantic verse, a pink scatter cushion declaring ‘all you need is love’, a teddy bear, knick knacks, a handful of fridge magnets, a tiny pocketbook of inspiration, medicine when I got a cold and chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. The fancy kind. The expensive kind.

Never in my life had I felt so treasured. I explained bipolar and he said “You won’t scare me off that easily!”. I was mildly hypomanic and we laughed a lot, stayed up late. Life was fresh and fabulous and electric. There were promises of I’ll never leave you, you’ll have to get a restraining order to keep me away from you. He held my hand over dinner. I love you, he said. I’ve never felt about anyone like I do about you, he said. He told me, you are my forever. Move in with me, I’ll sell my house and buy one close to your work, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you. Will you marry me, he said.

I started freaking out inside. It was moving too quickly. Chaos. Overload. His high frequency of emotion. Lack of sleep. Disrupted routine. The laughing stopped and was replaced with depression. Withdraw, retreat, isolate. And that was when he dumped me.

In the beginning you did everything I thought I wanted, then things started to change and you stopped doing those things. When you are up you are awesome. It’s the down times I am not able to cope with. I don’t understand what you go through with bipolar and I thought I could deal with the changes but I can’t and thinking ahead it just became too much for me

Conditional Love

I have a boyfriend who’s really quite neat
would never have guessed we’d actually meet
confessed my bipolar, he’s still around
a true real treasure I think I have found

It was probably the third week in march
when he declared the state of his heart
unexpected and out of the blue
he declared what he felt to be true

lean on me, he says, I’ll be your support
i’ll be strong for you, ‘cos you are adored
i’ll love you for ever and ever a day
a love like this has never come my way

no sooner he tells me ‘I am the one’
than he claims just not to be strong
I can’t cope with your bipolar
I’m sorry, this relationship’s over”

my true colours once lovely
were now abhorrent and ugly
ironically, he never felt the full force
of my mood disorder at its worst

but as I’ve said before…..
I make no apology for my personal biology

Priceless

shadows of past lives accumulate in the mirror of my face

where lies are bought and truth lies burnt in cold embers

I will never leave you he said as he walked out the door

and I crawled on my knees to follow but there was no path

only the echo of footsteps drowning in the windswept night

and so it is that I linger in eternal waiting for the return of a love

that is not lies nor fairytales but a truth that cannot be bought