life lessons

Learn…. again

life throws one curve ball after the next
watching to see if you passed the test
did you learn and do your best
and if not
if you lost the plot
you failed to see your part in things
he’ll sling another, worse than the other
so take cover and get it right
try and try again to see the light
and do the best you can
to learn and take a stand
against mistakes from past
that in your heart forever last
learn and earn a turn of tides
don’t let them take you for a ride
bob and weave and drop and roll
for that is how you’ll save your soul

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Change

sometimes I can get it right
it may seem silly
it may seem slight
but I’ve lived dysfunction all my life
it’s become a familiar, comfortable fight
so to change
to tame the urge
from up and down
fists thrown around
confusion and anxiety abound
its a thug with a promising drug
a tug of war
against what was
and is no more
so in nine short months
change does count
to have an ordinary existence
bringing peaceful deliverance
important is this change
opening up my cage
I can choose not be confused
I may slip here and there
but I’m treated well and fair
for second chances, third and fourth
Fate is not quite as hard as I first thought

Lovers, learning curves and life lessons

I can say with concrete certainty that I am over Lover. I still feel the anger of betrayal. What he did changed me in a fundamental way. I watched a documentary recently on sociopaths and narcisissts and they were described as A.I.D’S – Angels In Disguise. They enter our lives to reveal our weaknesses so that we can work on them and become stronger, better people. I’m taking that philosophy and running with it.

My experiences over the past seven months have taught me the following:
– I am not a victim
– I am a people pleaser and I understand the work needed to overcome this
– I have the courage to make hard choices
– I have discovered what my boundaries are (*sigh* at last!)
– I have the ability to enforce those boundaries
– I can trust my instincts with confidence. That no matter the answer to my question, I can trust my gut
– I need to be more guarded about myself – entertain and question suspicion and doubt, instead of telling myself I’m imagining it
– to never make excuses for other people’s behaviour
– I can trust only myself
– I am stronger than I give myself credit for

They have also taught me what I still have yet to learn:
– It’s time to learn about and practice self care
– It’s time to learn to live in love and not in fear [see this post by Bipolar1Blog]
– I need to venture out the house, do stuff, engage with life and people. Life won’t come to me unless I’m out there living it

nothing ever goes away

I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to venture out into the world. To pass by and inspect some doors of opportunity. They don’t just open on their own. So, despite my anxiety, I’m ready to learn the shit out of learning what I need to learn ‘cos I want to stop this repeated cycle of awfulness. And so begins another new learning curve. Buckle up if you want to come along for the ride.

In a pickle

In my previous post, I made the statement:
I also believe everything in life comes to me as a lesson to be embraced, not run from. And in this instance, maybe I need to unlearn the conditioning from my abusive marriage and be open to discover that possibly not everyone who occassionally (recently discovered regularly) drinks to excess is an alcoholic.

But on the other hand, could my lesson not be:
When an alcoholic shows his true colours, don’t wait 17 years to leave him. Granted, don’t kick a dog when he’s down. Give one chance, two chances, four chances. Determine boundaries, give ultimatums, consequences, try to trust the promises. That’s fair enough, right?

liar_by_xheresyourletterx on deviantart-com

Source – liar by xheresyourletterx on http://www.deviantart.com

But when the betrayal begins, it’s time to be ruthless. Cut my losses. I don’t want to endure another life at the whim of a selfish alcoholic. I will have to be ruthless. But I can’t….. Tell me, why am I able to be so ruthless with myself, but not with someone else who is hurting me? It’s a great mystery to me.

blood_on_my_hands_by_theanimalparade on www-deviantart-com

Source – Blood on my hands by theanimalparade on http://www.deviantart.com

The number of times he’s threatened and tried to commit suicide frightens me. I know he’s manipulating me. But I don’t want to kick him out and have his blood on my hands.  I have put myself in this predicament.  So only I will know the way out