Good Guy is a goner

He lied. He drinks.

Every day as opposed to the ‘rarely’ he stated when we met. Quanity? Undertermined… because he’s a liar and I don’t believe a word he says. Why didn’t he at some point in the past 4 months tell me he drinks everyday?

I wanted to protect you

More like he wanted to protect himself. He’s selfish. He wasn’t protecting me. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He knew drinking was a deal breaker for me. So he hid it. He kept it secret. He wanted both alcohol and me, not one or the other. So he lied. But since confronted, he has at no point said – because I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you, so I won’t drink any more. No. Instead he said….

I’m not one to force anything on anybody. So its up to you. Whether you want to just be friends. Its your choice and I’ll understand

But what he didn’t realise is he left me no choice. I will not be subject to having another man choose alcohol over me. So I took back my keys and told him to – go home and “unwind” from your hard day at work, and “chill” with a few beers. Then he threw a manipulation tantrum….

Great! I get robbed today and lose 2 cellphones and now I’ve lost my girlfriend. Thanks! Thanks a lot. What a great time to dump me

Excuse me? He made that choice. He did. He put himself in this position. He’s had four months to come clean with his little secret. And only guilty people keep secrets. He can’t have the best of both worlds. And my world does not contain alcohol. Or liars.

I love you? Horseshit. And here I was, all this time thinking, how lucky could I get – a man who boils the kettle for a cuppa after a long days grind. Turns out he can’t wait to get home to his beers. Well now he gets to spend even more time with them.


Curse of The Salesman

As my encounter with The Narcissist was imploding, Life threw me to the wolves. An old boyfriend from 3 years ago contacted me with obvious ulterior motives.

The Salesman
His ability to spin the truth in his favour is astounding. He brings new meaning to ‘bullshit baffles brains’. He’s an adept liar, with self entitlement and arrogance bourne of wealth. I broke up with him in 2013 after a 7 month relationship see-sawing between breakup(me) and make up(him) process. Unbeknownst to me I was desperately unstable at the time. He confused me, nothing was simple, and everything was exclusively on his terms. But despite doing the breaking up, as is evident with all my relationships, it took me a very long time to get over him.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he reconnected via email. His intentions were pretty clear, so I stopped him in his tracks offering only friendship. The texting and chatting on the phone has been nice. As a loner and recluse I don’t experience that much. But since our interaction, I’ve caught him out in numerous lies. I’ve grown in the past 3 years, I know what to be aware of, so I’ve cut off all contact with him.

I don’t like him. I don’t want him. And I’m so, so, very angry with him for disrupting my contented solitude. I was happy. Now I’m sad and drifting, feeling alone in the world again, convinced I’ll never be anyone’s partner, never be loved, never be touched. Now I have to run the gauntlet of becoming comfortable with me being alone again. Yet again.

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
– Linkin Park – Giving up

If I have to drag a life lesson out of this incident the moral of the story would be – if you don’t trust someone’s intentions, go with your goddamned gut. And if you don’t want to be involved, for godsake don’t be polite, just initiate no contact immediately. Because once you let them in, and interaction becomes familiar, the disconnect only hurts you. The result… I’m in a give-up, couldn’t-give-a-fuck type of mood. Will my life ever be normal?


Pretender playing charades

I have consistently been wearing full make-up for the first time in my life. Its a drag and I hate it but it hides the black rings under my eyes. It obscures the shadows and imperfections. Adds colour to my cheeks and makes my eyes bright. So they pop. I am an imposter with a flawless mask.

Oh yes I’m the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
too real is this feeling of make believe

People tell me how good I’m looking. How great I’m looking. So fine, so well, so marvelous, so healthy. I never knew depression looked so good on me. Now off venlafaxine, the feedback is I look lucid, present, in the moment. And I’ve slimmed down. As opposed to bloated, blank, slow, drugged and slurring my words. Oh wait, whats that’s I hear? Nothing. Just the demise of my dignity.

Currently undermedicated, I will soon be reinstated to slow, slurring zombie status. And, too tired to explain, I reinforce the deception with my own lies:

I’m fine thanks…. well thanks…. good…. great… fabulous… fucking aaaaaaaaaawesome!!!



shadows of past lives accumulate in the mirror of my face

where lies are bought and truth lies burnt in cold embers

I will never leave you he said as he walked out the door

and I crawled on my knees to follow but there was no path

only the echo of footsteps drowning in the windswept night

and so it is that I linger in eternal waiting for the return of a love

that is not lies nor fairytales but a truth that cannot be bought