A sorry state of affairs

I’d been dating The Good Guy for a few months before introducing him here on my blog. Laura P. Shulman shared an insightful observation which I never forgot. Her honest words made me observant and helped guide me through the confusion of the conclusion that he really was a Trojan Horse. An alcohol-swilling, shamelessly-lying wolf in sheep’s clothing. A Good Guy gone bad.

Since ditching the lying, drinking Good Guy, I’ve existed on a diet of undereating and oversleeping. Trying to deny deep yearnings to contact him, I’ve plied my mind with Pinterest quotes…..

But with the roar of co-dependency in my ears, I admit defeat. Good love, bad love, I want him back. I contacted him, tossing away my dignity, and begged like a wounded animal. I’m ashamed. I know I’ve made the wrong choice, but I can’t seem to escape the vicious cycle of settling for bad love just to avoid being alone. And its weird. As with the others, I don’t even want to physically be around him at all. Maybe once in a while would be nice. But I prefer my solitude. Prefer them, distant, on the periphery of my life. I just don’t understand myself at all.


Sleeping with the enemy

If it looks like a duck, if it swims like a duck, if it quacks like a duck…’s a duck.

If he lies and denies like a politician, if he steals like a theif, if he manipulates like a conman, if he drinks like a fish….he’s dangerous and needs to go.

Despite my hard choice boundary – if you drink alcohol in any way, shape, or form, for whatever reason, our relationship is over and you will leave immediately – I’ve since discovered details about him from a reliable source. A source that introduced us and now feels so guilty because she too believed his lies and manipulation.

fear_by_darkixi - source deviatart-com


Bottom line, I am frightened of him. The person I met is not the person I’m discovering him to be. He’s not just an alcoholic. He’s a thief. He’s a conman. But are these traits merely a part of the drinking disease? Dunno…..

I’m scared to kick him out for fear of repercussions. Basically, I’m just scared of him. Scared to close my eyes and go to sleep. Scared he’ll break in, because he can. I can’t move – I’ve signed a 12 month lease. I feel conflicted, vulnerable, exposed and (ab)used. Do I just throw him out? Or do I give him the chance to find somewhere to stay first? Or do I wait out the whole sobriety process? Dunno…..

But I’m a fighter and I’m hoping I’m merely catastrophizing everything. That the outcome will not be as bad as I am imagining it to be. I will stand my ground, this is my home, my name on the lease. I’ve fought too long and too hard to get to where I am in my personal growth to have it fucked up by a liar, a drunk and a thief.

I don’t own much to steal. And material goods are replaceable. If he kills me, well, I’m suicidal half my life so I guess that’s a blessing in disguise. If he lays a hand on me, I’ll punch him in the throat and call my landlord who is ‘in’ with the cops. Help would arrive quickly.

I’m sad and disillusioned that what started as a dream come true, has turned into a nightmare.