letting go

I want to feel good

It’s now my 5th week battling sciatica. It has proven to be debilitating, narrowing my access to the real world and destabilising my already unstable mental health. So my body and mind are not very happy places to be in right now.

Pain (any pain–emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: “We would be more alive if we did more of this,” and, “Life would be more lovely if we did less of that.” Once we get the pain’s message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away

– Peter McWilliams

I’ve always believed in the tie between the physical and the emotional. So I searched for the metaphysical meaning of sciatica:

Lower Back; The Lower Back represents support; financial support, emotional support of family and friends, and support of God or the Universe. The Kidneys are located in this area and Kidney dysfunction results in Fear/Fright/Phobias. A sore lower back may indicate that we have taken on more than we think we can handle. This is a dysfunction, only if it is not the Truth. If we have indeed taken on too much, that would be indicated by a physical trauma to the back and all we need to do is lighten the load [source

These past 12 months have been traumatic for this bipolar who feels everything so intensely. I need to lighten my load, my expectations and demands on myself. I need to stop, relax, let go, and learn to trust that I will always be safe and everything will be okay. I want to become unshackled from the past to make way for a better future. I have no plan except to gently roll with the punches. I suppose I’m going to let life happen, instead of always reacting and trying to control it. That’s the intent anyway.

In the words of our beloved Ulla – Healing is a long term investment in feeling good

I want to feel good! And when I feel weighed down by Life’s challenges, I’m going to let Mr Buble remind me – its a full world and I feel goooooood.

Its a new dawn
its a new day
its a new life
for me
and I’m feelin’ good
– Michael Buble

 

Talk the talk and walk the walk

Today has been hard. I’ve been doing all the right things and saying all the right things, but nothing about any of this feels right. I keep busy but I think about him constantly. I do nothing and think about him constantly. I drive, I shop, I redecorate, I read a book, listen to music, watch a movie, cook dinner – and I think about him constantly. The only time I get any peace is when I sleep.

talk1

Despite having told him I’ve blocked all communication with him, I am compulsively checking my phone. ‘Cos, you know, maybe he’s trying to get hold of me with someone else’s phone. But no. Nothing. The blocking apps I loaded to my phone give logs of who and what they’ve blocked. I check those obsessively too – blocker list: total sms’s blocked: zero.

 

He does in no way, shape or form give a shit about me. He has comfortably moved on.

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So why am I so obsessed with Lover the Loser? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I move on? Why am I not doing a dance of joy – I dodged a bullet, I’m free, I’m safe, he’s someone else’s problem? Really…… what do I want with a 51 year old, unskilled, unemployed, penniless, chronic alcoholic who lives with his parents and has no transport of his own? Who lived on the streets for an entire decade, begging, drinking, stealing. Who’s life is just pure chaos, even when he wasn’t drinking. He’s hardly a good catch.

Am I right? So what the fuck is wrong with me?? Why do I need to feel validated or wanted, by him when all he did was abuse me, betray me and lie to me? I’ve said – I have worth, I have value, I deserve better. I’m talking the talk but struggling to walk the walk.

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And I’m dreading the day when I’m finally comfortable in my own skin; living a good life in oblivion of Lover the Loser, when he unexpectedly makes contact again. I can only hope that by then, I’m walking the walk.

talk4.jpg

Letting go

The irony does not escape me:
PIECES – bipolar woman marries/divorces alcoholic man and chooses to love……LOVER
LOVER – alcoholic man marries/divorces bipolar woman and chooses to love…..PIECES

patterns

I am torturing myself trying to find rhyme or reason behind this repeated life pattern. It’s accuracy is frightening. With my alcoholic ex I know I was an enabler, I know I was co-dependent. I’ve since learned I shielded my bipolar behind the veil of his drinking. Blamed his actions instead of taking accountability for my own health.

As an alcoholic reaches for instant gratification, I am grasping for instant answers. But I’m slowly realising that only time will reveal the answers. If I so choose, I have to live this experience and live it differently, in the best way possible for me. I will take every skill set I’ve learn and suck the marrow right out to survive this.

storm

I don’t know what the outcome will be by the end of today, or tomorrow, or next month, next year. I can only live my life as best I know how, keeping my health my number one priority, regardless of his drinking disease. And living, as I always do, one day at a time.

Today he admitted he is an alcoholic; he says he wants to stop, to change; that this is the end. Granted he was drunk when he told me, but he seems committed to AA attendance (another one tomorrow). Something I’ve learned the hard way is that with addicts only time will tell, and only actions will predict the outcome. I have to remember recovery is not instant, it’s a constant work in progress.

So for right now, I’m letting go. I’ve chosen a gutsy, angry anthem song from Five Finger Death Punch (Lift Me Up), to give me some oomph me when times become tenuous.

I won’t be broken
I won’t be tortured
I won’t be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around

Let go and begin

I see life as an evolution. Everything evolves. Be it food in the fridge. Fresh and left uneaten over time, goes off. It evolves into decomposition. The battery in your phone goes from fully charged to flat when used over the course of the day. Then begins a new cycle when you recharge the battery. As life evolves with change, so do we as individuals. And it is in this evolution of life that I find myself at the arse-end of a few cycles.

Ever since the finalisation in September of my divorce, certain aspects of my life are wrapping up, coming to an end. It’s bittersweet. On the one hand, any ending is sad. But on the other hand, there would not be an ending without there having first been a wonderful beginning.

Letting go is not easy to do. It’s scary and unfamiliar and hollow. It’s just plain sad saying goodbye. But I’d be selfish to hang on past the best-before/expiry date. Their lives are evolving with their own changes, endings and new beginnings. We’re not being pulled in the same direction. And so my time in their lives has come to an end. And I need to let go, because they’ve already moved on, and I need to move on too.

Now to truly let go, is to not begrudge them the joy of their new beginning. This new beginning that doesn’t include you. That’s a hard one to reconcile. Having said that, here goes:

To: The Blacksmith + The Salesman
Thank you for sharing a small part of life with me. I had fun, experienced new adventures and learned great life lessons. I wish you only the very best. I am happy that you are happy. I apologise for the hurt I caused you during our interactions. I forgive you the hurt you caused me. May life embrace you warmly.

*applause*
*bow*
*exit stage left*
*’cos this girl is fakin’ it ’til she’s makin’ it y’all* *snaps fingers*