Good news! I’m normal

I had an intense session with my doc yesterday. Turns out I couldn’t have ECT because I have sciatica and the doc said even though a muscle relaxant is administered , there is “quite a lot of thrashing about”!! WTF? Had no idea it was that intense. I turned down hospitalization because the session was so productive with no massive change in my meds, so I didn’t see the necessity.

He sat with me for almost 2 hours, well into much of what I presume to have been his lunchtime. And he didn’t even charge me. I’ve said it before, he is one-of-a kind, a true healer. In a nutshell, right now, I’m not nuts! I’ve just been through an awful amount of shit for a very long time and my emotions have taken a beating. And since bipolar symptoms are rooted in one’s emotions, you could say there’s been an emotional overload and I’m short-circuiting…… and he said….


There is a difference between being in a reactionary state because of life experiences, and being sick with bipolar. What I am experiencing right now is the result of being fucked up for a very long time, and the resulting upheaval of making changes. The fact that its knocked me to the degree that it has is normal because that’s how someone with bipolar will naturally react. Natural is normal and normal is relative. I can have bipolar yet be normal at the same time.

What a life changing revelation! My life is not doomed. This will pass. I will be free. There is possibility, not pointlessness. My circumstances will change. My solution need not be death….. just time. I’m sad because Life is an asshole, not because there’s something wrong with me. Which all means that I am going to be okay.

A lot went down in this session. I plan to process it all by blogging it out. Its going to be an emotional process, but no one said healing is painless. I never fail to be amazed by the power of words – kind/cruel; heal/break. No voltage, no medication. Someone with specialised knowledge took extra time to talk, advise, encourage, validate, explain, reassure. Words and kindness were my medicine.


There’s a crisis but we’ve got a plan

Saw my doc yesterday. It’s not often one encounters a doctor who really cares. But I can say I’m one of the lucky few. He did not treat me as a sum total of bipolar symptoms. He dealt with me as an entire person also taking into account my strained financial situation. He’s fairly new, and thus uncertain, to me. But lemme tell you, he’s worth his consultation fee.

He declared I was in crisis and grieving (ya’ think!) and immediately set about constructing a ‘crisis management plan’. Firstly, medication. I had 3 options (fluanxol, abilify, esperide) which he explained in detail. He chose esperide, reasoning – I will feel the benefits immediately, few side effects, no withdrawal problem and its cheap. I like cheap. I need cheap.

I have to see a psychologist, specifically to discuss my high anxiety and my feelings of loneliness and abandonment. He even chose a colleague that is nearby, which means no extra petrol expense.

My medical aid allows for 15 psychiatrist/psychologist consultations every year. He immediately worked out how many times he needed to see me, and there and then got on his laptop and emailed the medical aid. I am to tell the psychologist to do the same.

Instead of going back to hospital, I have to phone him on Thursday to prove I’m still alive, to reassure him I haven’t taken a belly-flop off a highrise building. I promised I would phone. I am to see him again in two weeks time.

And then he did the kindest thing…. he didn’t charge me for the consult. I almost started crying all over again. To be kind costs nothing. And his kindness – especially right now a man being kind to me – was the best medicine I’ve had in ages.

Forgotten kindness

What has happened to kindness
have we all put it behind us
does our world move so fast
that its broken our hearts
and we’re immune
so out of tune with our fellow man
we no longer can
offer simple kindness?

Like a plague of blindness
to the part of another’s heart
that cries
yet we walk on by
undisturbed or perturbed
it’s a world so sad and driven mad
only in it for what can be had
at another’s expense
it doesn’t make sense

Kindness is a virtue
offered up by so very few

Wishes for a kinder year

May your bipolar not consume you
May your mania be worthwhile
May your nights not be too sleepless
And your rage not volatile

May your depression leave not linger
May your meds respond in style
May your anxiety release its grip
And leave you with a smile

May the train always stop at your station
May the taxi be on time
Your chocolate never melted
And no one tell you “but you look just fine?”

Here’s to breathing, hoping and above all coping. May 2016 be a year that is kind.