I had an intense session with my doc yesterday. Turns out I couldn’t have ECT because I have sciatica and the doc said even though a muscle relaxant is administered , there is “quite a lot of thrashing about”!! WTF? Had no idea it was that intense. I turned down hospitalization because the session was so productive with no massive change in my meds, so I didn’t see the necessity.
He sat with me for almost 2 hours, well into much of what I presume to have been his lunchtime. And he didn’t even charge me. I’ve said it before, he is one-of-a kind, a true healer. In a nutshell, right now, I’m not nuts! I’ve just been through an awful amount of shit for a very long time and my emotions have taken a beating. And since bipolar symptoms are rooted in one’s emotions, you could say there’s been an emotional overload and I’m short-circuiting…… and he said….
There is a difference between being in a reactionary state because of life experiences, and being sick with bipolar. What I am experiencing right now is the result of being fucked up for a very long time, and the resulting upheaval of making changes. The fact that its knocked me to the degree that it has is normal because that’s how someone with bipolar will naturally react. Natural is normal and normal is relative. I can have bipolar yet be normal at the same time.
What a life changing revelation! My life is not doomed. This will pass. I will be free. There is possibility, not pointlessness. My circumstances will change. My solution need not be death….. just time. I’m sad because Life is an asshole, not because there’s something wrong with me. Which all means that I am going to be okay.
A lot went down in this session. I plan to process it all by blogging it out. Its going to be an emotional process, but no one said healing is painless. I never fail to be amazed by the power of words – kind/cruel; heal/break. No voltage, no medication. Someone with specialised knowledge took extra time to talk, advise, encourage, validate, explain, reassure. Words and kindness were my medicine.
It’s now my 5th week battling sciatica. It has proven to be debilitating, narrowing my access to the real world and destabilising my already unstable mental health. So my body and mind are not very happy places to be in right now.
Pain (any pain–emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: “We would be more alive if we did more of this,” and, “Life would be more lovely if we did less of that.” Once we get the pain’s message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away
– Peter McWilliams
I’ve always believed in the tie between the physical and the emotional. So I searched for the metaphysical meaning of sciatica:
Lower Back; The Lower Back represents support; financial support, emotional support of family and friends, and support of God or the Universe. The Kidneys are located in this area and Kidney dysfunction results in Fear/Fright/Phobias. A sore lower back may indicate that we have taken on more than we think we can handle. This is a dysfunction, only if it is not the Truth. If we have indeed taken on too much, that would be indicated by a physical trauma to the back and all we need to do is lighten the load [source]
These past 12 months have been traumatic for this bipolar who feels everything so intensely. I need to lighten my load, my expectations and demands on myself. I need to stop, relax, let go, and learn to trust that I will always be safe and everything will be okay. I want to become unshackled from the past to make way for a better future. I have no plan except to gently roll with the punches. I suppose I’m going to let life happen, instead of always reacting and trying to control it. That’s the intent anyway.
In the words of our beloved Ulla – Healing is a long term investment in feeling good
I want to feel good! And when I feel weighed down by Life’s challenges, I’m going to let Mr Buble remind me – its a full world and I feel goooooood.
Its a new dawn
its a new day
its a new life
and I’m feelin’ good
– Michael Buble
life throws one curve ball after the next
watching to see if you passed the test
did you learn and do your best
and if not
if you lost the plot
you failed to see your part in things
he’ll sling another, worse than the other
so take cover and get it right
try and try again to see the light
and do the best you can
to learn and take a stand
against mistakes from past
that in your heart forever last
learn and earn a turn of tides
don’t let them take you for a ride
bob and weave and drop and roll
for that is how you’ll save your soul
This is a bipolar anthem if ever I’ve heard one
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I was watching a mundane reality show on TV. (ohmygod yes i’ve just confessed my nasty little secret…one of them). One of those competition type shows. There’s rarely anything remotely sad in those programs – except when I’m watching it would seem, because, I burst into tears.
Now I’m not depressed. Uh, let me rather rephrase that …….. I’m not depressed today. So there I was on the couch with a bog roll drizzing my baby blue’s wondering what the hell was going on.
My theory is, I’m purging my sadness. My psyche has been filled with years and years of trauma and illness. I’ve moved through those days and I’ve passed them and left them behind. Now I just have to get rid of them from my physical body. Because we all know when you hold on to negative emotions they manifest physically in the body.
So my theory is this: these are my healing tears. They want the best for me so I won’t hold them in. Every single salty tear wipes away and heals an old, brutal injustice.
WATCH OUT EVERYBODY……. it seems any part of any reality show, these days, will bring me to tears. But really, we’re talking reality shows here, do you honestly blame me?