I want to be inspired to live. To be motivated. Find focus. To find the beauty in details, sift through the grunge and pull out a positive. To hear a song that seems to have been written just for me, for where I’m at – whether it’s happy, sad, lonely, angry. To laugh, to smile, to love and to be brave. Big or small, to touch joy and the satisfaction of achievement. Even for only a moment. I want to take stock of my efforts and achievements and revel in the victories. I’m paving my way in an attempt to be joyful and at peace with my life. And here is where I document my travels – every Thursday. Come along for the ride.
I may be paid a poor wage, but the company I work for really looks after their staff in a time of personal crisis. I was touched by my boss’s thoughtfulness in approaching management to motivate the purchase of a kneeling chair for me to help minimise the pain of my sciatica while sitting and working. What a difference its made – supportive in more ways than one!
I’m stylin’with my new set of wheels
Today I was happy. Three physiotherapy treatments later and my back is back to normal. I no longer look like the hunch back of Notre Dame, all crippled and dragging my right leg behind me. I am pain free, manic and livin’ large!
My text messages were all ‘LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL’. I sang out loud in the car going to work. I walked with my head held high, making eye contact with people, smiling at them. Who’d a thought!
I even talked at work. Yes *solemn nod of the head* I actually participated and socialised. Which is a remarkable difference to my usual silent, gloomy and potentially dangerous air – earphones plugged in, Linkin Park on repeat a reflection of my internal struggle. My own personal thunder storm escaping far from the madding crowd.
No, there were no earphones today. Today I was shouting out to be heard above the chaos, waving my arms around, all animated ‘n stuff. And was I ever funny? So funny. I had them rolling in their office desk chairs, screaming with laughter. Ohhhh, I’m so funny when I’m manic….. My brain has a clear signal to my funny bone. My colleagues just LOVED me today. I noticed the new girl even lost that almost frightened look when she glanced my way. I was light and fun and funny and engaging, smiling, laughing. I even danced a bit with one of the girls. A beautiful youngster was teaching me something called ‘dabbin’. Hey, I was cool, got my gangsta on. My back is fixed, I’m manic, I can conquer the world.
I bet my colleagues wish I was always like this. So do I. Yes, today was a happy day. They are few and far between. So I am enjoying this one to the hilt.
I’ve been on my dreaded annual leave for one week now and everything’s been going fine. My father even PHONED me on christmas day!! (no easy passes for him though – I did send a nice text first – first time we’ve spoken since October). Athough I had expected to become depressed, I haven’t. It’s been a peaceful day, and as I sat watching tellie I got to thinking, okay being on leave with no routine isn’t so bad after all. I can do this. I am doing this.
But I spoke too soon. Oooooh Karma, why do you have to be such a bitch? Because at that very moment, an advert comes on the TV advertising some of my favourite bands are playing a big new year’s eve party in another part of the country. And I will miss them. Now, you need to understand, I’m emotional about these bands. We’ve all heard the quote ‘music gives a voice to emotion’ and I identify a lot of my varying states of being with certain music (shrug). So it’s personal. I feel it in my blood, my brain my spirit. I missed 30 Seconds to Mars and I’m still emotional about that (shrugs again).
music makes my heart beat loud
So in one split second, peaceful switched to gut wrenching loss. Now I’m the first to admit, this is an inappropriately extreme reaction to disappointment. Tears, tears and more tears. My heart felt physically broken. So many tears triggered by one advertisement? You bet’cha. Tears that probably don’t even belong to this situation but to a lost event in the smog of my life.
I’m sad, but I’m fine. I just hate the way bipolar can ambush me like that. Like an unseen landmine or trip wire that you’re oblivious to until it triggers. And yet other times it’s a slow trickle, a steady saturation that you don’t know is accumulating until it soaks into it’s own weightiness. Bipolar is unpredictable and even when watching tellie, should come with a warning –
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could make you happy, sad, angry, eat an entire chocolate sponge cake or buy four thousand bucks worth of kitty cat accessories when you do not, in fact, own a kitty cat
The days are too long and yet there are never enough hours in a day to get everything done. I can’t work fast enough, but the work is coming in faster. I can’t sleep at bedtime but I wake up sleepy. I’m smoking more, and coughing less. I’m eating less, and gaining weight. I’m sad when I should be happy. I cry when I should be laughing. The more I try to remember, the more I forget. The more I try to forget, the clearer the memory. The greater the trust, the more the betrayal. Today is winter with summer temperatures. They say tomorrow will be cold. I put my phone on silent so I don’t have to wait for it to ring. I stay at work at hometime because I don’t want to go home. I leave home early for work because I don’t want to be late. I am lonely, yet I continue to isolate myself.
I still stare vacantly into space. And I sigh, deeply, incessantly throughout the day. I’m getting depressed.