My friend, fellow blogger and occassional ‘sweary’ bunker companion, who, by the way, knows everything one needs to know about the variations of pies….. Sorry, I digress. Deon, you reached out with a heart full of kindness and a gift of insight, all wrapped up in my favourite thing – a poem, as part of your series Songs For My Tribe. It arrived during a dark moment and shed some light and warmth. So I want to say thank you. And now is as good a time as any to reciprocate and present you with a gift of my own. I made this shortly after Ulla’s death last year, but never quite knew how to give it to you. It’s a statement you made in a post that struck a chord with me. It was during a period of endless car troubles for you, hence the rusty ‘ole jallopy pic. So I present you with your very own, personal meme. I hope you like it.
My friend has gone and I don’t know what to do, what I should have or could have done. I know the logic – there was nothing I could do. But it remains that I am, as we all are, left with survivors guilt and the broken heart of the ones left behind. I understand, respect and support her decision. She has fulfilled the ultimate act of self-care, and removed herself from this nightmare of a world where she endurde a daily, torturous struggle against which there is no cure. Now she has peace and joy and can laugh again.
Her path ran parallel to that of my mother’s – med resistant, ECT, suicide. So much loss, blame and anger lies at the feet of bipolar and the medical community who prove time and time again to be inept in treating this illness. Making money off our desperation.
Blahpolar had an immense effect on my life. I doubt she even realised how much. She walked beside me on my own journey even as she carried the weight of her own demons. She said two words that redefined my life – you matter. Two simple words that changed my life. And now, I am at a loss for words. Because she mattered to me, and to you and to us. Words escape me. All I have are tears.
I am still waiting for someone to contact me and tell me this was all a big mistake. That it’s not true. But it is true and her death has shifted my world slightly off axis. And I know that it will never turn quite the same again.
I won’t be joining you all on the 10 Sept. It’s not because I didn’t love her. Its because I loved her that I can’t participate. I will be taking my grief into isolation. To be completely honest, I’m not sure I will return to blogging. We all make such deep connections here, there is so much support and friendship and advocacy. But despite the wonders of technology, we are still left alone and helpless in the face of bipolar. I don’t know if I want to be vulnerable to anymore loss. I just….. I don’t know what to say.
This was one of her favourite songs….. (PS – can someone please tell me what has happened to her dog? Please I have to know)