dysfunctional relationships

A sorry state of affairs

I’d been dating The Good Guy for a few months before introducing him here on my blog. Laura P. Shulman shared an insightful observation which I never forgot. Her honest words made me observant and helped guide me through the confusion of the conclusion that he really was a Trojan Horse. An alcohol-swilling, shamelessly-lying wolf in sheep’s clothing. A Good Guy gone bad.

Since ditching the lying, drinking Good Guy, I’ve existed on a diet of undereating and oversleeping. Trying to deny deep yearnings to contact him, I’ve plied my mind with Pinterest quotes…..


But with the roar of co-dependency in my ears, I admit defeat. Good love, bad love, I want him back. I contacted him, tossing away my dignity, and begged like a wounded animal. I’m ashamed. I know I’ve made the wrong choice, but I can’t seem to escape the vicious cycle of settling for bad love just to avoid being alone. And its weird. As with the others, I don’t even want to physically be around him at all. Maybe once in a while would be nice. But I prefer my solitude. Prefer them, distant, on the periphery of my life. I just don’t understand myself at all.

Secret’s consequence

what he’s done

has left me numb

needless secrets

heartless meanness

Not a tear shall be shed

‘cos he made his own bed

liar, liar, pants on fire

falsehoods that you did conspire

a trust unstable

from your betrayal

a trust once earned

has now been spurned

a trust once honest

has lost its promise

let liquor be your mistress

while I go ’bout my business

I’m better off without you

a man whose heart is untrue

Good Guy is a goner

He lied. He drinks.

Every day as opposed to the ‘rarely’ he stated when we met. Quanity? Undertermined… because he’s a liar and I don’t believe a word he says. Why didn’t he at some point in the past 4 months tell me he drinks everyday?

I wanted to protect you

More like he wanted to protect himself. He’s selfish. He wasn’t protecting me. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He knew drinking was a deal breaker for me. So he hid it. He kept it secret. He wanted both alcohol and me, not one or the other. So he lied. But since confronted, he has at no point said – because I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you, so I won’t drink any more. No. Instead he said….

I’m not one to force anything on anybody. So its up to you. Whether you want to just be friends. Its your choice and I’ll understand

But what he didn’t realise is he left me no choice. I will not be subject to having another man choose alcohol over me. So I took back my keys and told him to – go home and “unwind” from your hard day at work, and “chill” with a few beers. Then he threw a manipulation tantrum….

Great! I get robbed today and lose 2 cellphones and now I’ve lost my girlfriend. Thanks! Thanks a lot. What a great time to dump me

Excuse me? He made that choice. He did. He put himself in this position. He’s had four months to come clean with his little secret. And only guilty people keep secrets. He can’t have the best of both worlds. And my world does not contain alcohol. Or liars.

I love you? Horseshit. And here I was, all this time thinking, how lucky could I get – a man who boils the kettle for a cuppa after a long days grind. Turns out he can’t wait to get home to his beers. Well now he gets to spend even more time with them.

Yesterday is dead

the coal from the last burn, still hurts

it was the worst

of human touch

but let go I must

it will not define me

cloud me

isolate and hide me

with my face to the sun

I shout ‘come on’

the day has just begun

so let’s have some fun

but I’ll keep a hand to my heart

not fall so hard or fast

Lover stitched his net of lies

but I won’t let him deny

the good that I should own

the good that’s mine and mine alone

yesterday is dead

let’s look ahead

tomorrow should not be a threat

but something I embrace instead

***

This poem was inspired by sentiments from the following blogs:

……don’t listen to your bipolar brain. There’s too much activity up there to get a good reading. Ride the wave while it is there. Don’t be in a rush to find fault. Your first responsibility is to LIVE. So keep going out with him. Keep letting him into your world. Savor every drop. Live every moment as if it were your last. And if it is your last, make it the best last day of your life. Leave your mark by being the best lover this world has ever known. Love his encouragement. Love his eyes. Love his understanding and reaching out. Never give him a reason to believe you are hesitant. Go all the way. Be reckless. Be wild”

https://ericghoff61.wordpress.com/

…the coal from the last burn still hurts”

https://lookingforthelightblog.wordpress.com/

I’m going to take it slow as fast as I can”

https://kate1975.wordpress.com/2017/04/18/healing-quotes-littles-876/

Curse of The Salesman

As my encounter with The Narcissist was imploding, Life threw me to the wolves. An old boyfriend from 3 years ago contacted me with obvious ulterior motives.

The Salesman
His ability to spin the truth in his favour is astounding. He brings new meaning to ‘bullshit baffles brains’. He’s an adept liar, with self entitlement and arrogance bourne of wealth. I broke up with him in 2013 after a 7 month relationship see-sawing between breakup(me) and make up(him) process. Unbeknownst to me I was desperately unstable at the time. He confused me, nothing was simple, and everything was exclusively on his terms. But despite doing the breaking up, as is evident with all my relationships, it took me a very long time to get over him.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he reconnected via email. His intentions were pretty clear, so I stopped him in his tracks offering only friendship. The texting and chatting on the phone has been nice. As a loner and recluse I don’t experience that much. But since our interaction, I’ve caught him out in numerous lies. I’ve grown in the past 3 years, I know what to be aware of, so I’ve cut off all contact with him.

I don’t like him. I don’t want him. And I’m so, so, very angry with him for disrupting my contented solitude. I was happy. Now I’m sad and drifting, feeling alone in the world again, convinced I’ll never be anyone’s partner, never be loved, never be touched. Now I have to run the gauntlet of becoming comfortable with me being alone again. Yet again.

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
– Linkin Park – Giving up

If I have to drag a life lesson out of this incident the moral of the story would be – if you don’t trust someone’s intentions, go with your goddamned gut. And if you don’t want to be involved, for godsake don’t be polite, just initiate no contact immediately. Because once you let them in, and interaction becomes familiar, the disconnect only hurts you. The result… I’m in a give-up, couldn’t-give-a-fuck type of mood. Will my life ever be normal?

 

Love affliction

two weeks to go but you wouldn’t know

by the lack of excitement for my new home

with each box that’s sealed

more sorrow’s revealed

thoughts of Lover return in full colour

this house serves as my one last memory

of a love before it turned into my enemy

I have not one shred of his evidence left

except this place and leaving, I’m feeling bereft

I don’t know why I still cry

I guess grieving takes a while

I know I served as a distraction

a mere thieving transaction

I have no doubt I am washed from his mind

except for my name to be used in his lies

but he broke me and realistically

it’s an eternity to heal and feel whole again

especially after his ill gotten gains

a conman who held my heart in his fist

I wish I could give this love affliction a miss

Flying free

I had such a lovely day

doing everything my own way

I splurged and bought a new dress

so that I don’t look such a hot mess

blue shoes to match

I look a fine catch

not that I’m looking, hell no

relationships for me are a no go

I’m happy just to be

splendidly me

‘cos a girl can’t fly if she’s not free

and free is what I choose to be

Painkills2, your words inspired me and, as I said I would, I put your inspiration on my Whatsapp profile. Thanks my friend, you’re exceptional! And if anyone is not following her blog All Things Chronic well you’re missing out on a beautiful, diverse, informative, fun, intelligent work of art.

My profile

My profile

Detaching with love

Last night I got to thinking about my silent treatment post. I felt confused and conflicted because he’s my father and I love him, despite his mistreatment. I then thought back to the days when I was married to my alcoholic ex and I attended Alanon meetings. They constantly talked about detaching with love. They would say – tell the alcoholic ‘I love you, I just don’t like your behaviour right now’ .

I never understood the concept at the time, but as of late, I have. And I realised that’s exactly what I can do with my father. I don’t have to oust him from life or go no contact. I can still love him, yet not accept his damaging behaviour. I can still see him and talk to him as long as I have healthy boundaries in place to protect my well being. I need to strategize now, think what my boundaries will be and how and when I will enforce them. I feel at peace now. I love him, I just don’t like his behaviour. I won’t allow him to break me down anymore.

South African band, Seether and their song ‘Breakdown’ wraps it up nicely for me