breakup

I have worth so hear me roar

I had made every single mistake
That you could ever possibly make
I took and I took and I took what you gave
But you never noticed that I was in pain
I knew what I wanted; I went in and got it
Alive by Sia

Lover phoned on Tuesday. I heard – I’m truly sorry, I needed this time to sort myself out, I really fucked up this time, I’m embarassed. There were declarations of undying love – I miss you, I think of you all the time, I just want to be with you, I still love you and hope to see you soon. But what I didn’t hear was geniune remorse, shame or any acknowledgement of my own pain. It’s all about HIM.

Don't ever let me go gy burger man - deviantart

I battle to let go of a failed relationship, no matter how abusive and unhealthy. This is a real challenge for me (pic)

When it comes to men, I battle to let go. It’s an embedded, repeating pattern of mine. I become extraordinarily and intensely attached in a short space of time. No matter how poorly I’m treated, I grip tight like cement, holding on, refusing to let go, in the hopes of being loved, of being wanted. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Making bad choices over and over again.

So I have spent the past few days in agony, flip-flopping between chasing him away and wanting him back. My head and my heart have been behind closed doors, in intense negotiations, asking tough questions – what is your self-worth? What is your value? What is your price tag? What do you deserve?

winner - quotesgram-com

I said right in the beginning I was going to live this experience differently. And so far I have. So after much debate, the verdict was in – I believe in my worth, that I have value, I deserve better and Lover has to go. Forever. This is part of what I texted, minus all the expressive language:

“You lost the option to have me the day you drank. You lost the right to choose me the day you lost your job to alcohol and left me for Cape Town. These were choices you made. The consequences are, you’ve lost me. I will never choose YOU again because you don’t value me. I choose MYSELF because I am worth so much more than you.”

It all sounds so neatly packaged and in control. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a dribbling idiot of a fine mess right now. Disillusioned with life and people, still wanting him back despite all the sound logic and reason, with a beating heartache so great I feel I will never smile again. I barely make it through work, fighting tears all day, then go straight to bed as soon as I get home. Ain’t life grand…….fake it ’til I make it?  And breathe.

 

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Lovestruck, then a kick up my butt

It was 3 weeks in and he turned to me and said “Will you be my girlfriend?” Caught off guard, I managed to nod my head. What unfamiliar territory I was in.

Although more than half a century old, he blossomed into a lovestruck teenager. With visits after work and dinners out, days spent at his home, a night at a concert, it was a whirlwind. He was never without a gift – a box of cigarettes, cards filled with romantic verse, a pink scatter cushion declaring ‘all you need is love’, a teddy bear, knick knacks, a handful of fridge magnets, a tiny pocketbook of inspiration, medicine when I got a cold and chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. The fancy kind. The expensive kind.

Never in my life had I felt so treasured. I explained bipolar and he said “You won’t scare me off that easily!”. I was mildly hypomanic and we laughed a lot, stayed up late. Life was fresh and fabulous and electric. There were promises of I’ll never leave you, you’ll have to get a restraining order to keep me away from you. He held my hand over dinner. I love you, he said. I’ve never felt about anyone like I do about you, he said. He told me, you are my forever. Move in with me, I’ll sell my house and buy one close to your work, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you. Will you marry me, he said.

I started freaking out inside. It was moving too quickly. Chaos. Overload. His high frequency of emotion. Lack of sleep. Disrupted routine. The laughing stopped and was replaced with depression. Withdraw, retreat, isolate. And that was when he dumped me.

In the beginning you did everything I thought I wanted, then things started to change and you stopped doing those things. When you are up you are awesome. It’s the down times I am not able to cope with. I don’t understand what you go through with bipolar and I thought I could deal with the changes but I can’t and thinking ahead it just became too much for me

Let go and begin

I see life as an evolution. Everything evolves. Be it food in the fridge. Fresh and left uneaten over time, goes off. It evolves into decomposition. The battery in your phone goes from fully charged to flat when used over the course of the day. Then begins a new cycle when you recharge the battery. As life evolves with change, so do we as individuals. And it is in this evolution of life that I find myself at the arse-end of a few cycles.

Ever since the finalisation in September of my divorce, certain aspects of my life are wrapping up, coming to an end. It’s bittersweet. On the one hand, any ending is sad. But on the other hand, there would not be an ending without there having first been a wonderful beginning.

Letting go is not easy to do. It’s scary and unfamiliar and hollow. It’s just plain sad saying goodbye. But I’d be selfish to hang on past the best-before/expiry date. Their lives are evolving with their own changes, endings and new beginnings. We’re not being pulled in the same direction. And so my time in their lives has come to an end. And I need to let go, because they’ve already moved on, and I need to move on too.

Now to truly let go, is to not begrudge them the joy of their new beginning. This new beginning that doesn’t include you. That’s a hard one to reconcile. Having said that, here goes:

To: The Blacksmith + The Salesman
Thank you for sharing a small part of life with me. I had fun, experienced new adventures and learned great life lessons. I wish you only the very best. I am happy that you are happy. I apologise for the hurt I caused you during our interactions. I forgive you the hurt you caused me. May life embrace you warmly.

*applause*
*bow*
*exit stage left*
*’cos this girl is fakin’ it ’til she’s makin’ it y’all* *snaps fingers*

Goodbye Blacksmith

I said goodbye to a friend

our time has come to an end

fate has a way

of trying to say

there are better tomorrows

each holding less sorrows

so let go

to grow

and know

you are worth much more

than what came before

 

blind to his faults

and verbal assaults

his hot temper

never tender

yet I loved the man

for a three year span

but the friendship lost its glow

he’s moved on and I need to go

there’s no remorse

we’ve run our course

this is not an end

or something to mend

rather a new beginning

is what I’m predicting

goodbye, Blacksmith

it was all well worth it