anorexia

Eat your vegetables

A meal between breakfast and lunch is called a brunch. But there is no name for a meal eaten between lunch and dinner. So I’ll call it an early dinner. V and I went out for a treat to restaurant that not only meets our budgeting needs, but serves the best bowl of two-veg – butternut and creamed spinach. Mom always used to say “no dessert unless you’ve eaten all your vegetables”. And I did. Well almost. A full tummy halfway through, I took home this delicious doggie bag. Plenty for proper dinner time.

There are only two ways to cook a cheap cut of meat. Slow-cook a stew or grill it and burn the bejeezzus out of it. I chose the latter. It had a bit of a dry snap to it, but generously salted it hits the spot.

 

 

Food saved from spoiling

Its been a bad week all round with depression, mixed episodes, a fall in my kitchen and sciatica pain ruling the day for more than 2 months now. I had fruit in the fridge about to go off. I’m too poor (poor me) to let it go to waste so I made the monumental effort of chopping it up and adding cream. It was worth the effort. Then I had eggs also about to go off – apparently this happens when depressed people don’t cook the food they have in their fridge. I mustered all my efforts into chopping an onion, grating some cheese, mixing it all up with about 8 eggs, threw in some gluten-free flour and baked. Lo and behold, I did not burn this attempt at dinner. I ate off each of these meals for the entire week. Hopefully this upcoming week will be a bit kinder on my destabilised mind and body, but judging by the way I feel right now, I highly doubt it. I’m holding out hope for my doc’s appointment at the end of November to chemically put an end this year long battle against bipolar *sigh*

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Food, glorious food

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced. This is my weekly journal documenting my eating patterns, moods and thoughts. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food.

 

I have a gluten intolerance. Not the 'fashionable' kind. The kind that makes me really ill. I haven't eaten gluten since about 2003. I managed to get my grubby little hands on a loaf of gluten free bread. Oh what heaven! Egg on toast with a burger pattie on the side

I have a gluten intolerance. Not the ‘fashionable’ kind. The kind that makes me really ill. I haven’t eaten gluten since about 2003. I managed to get my grubby little hands on a loaf of gluten free bread. Oh what heaven! Egg on toast with a burger pattie on the side

 

Another slice of heaven

Another slice of heaven

 

I didn't feel like cooking. What else is new! So I opted to chop 'n mix instead. Salad to the rescue

I didn’t feel like cooking. What else is new! So I opted to chop ‘n mix instead. Salad to the rescue

 

The height of laziness. Open a can, Stan. And since I'm poor and these were on special, baked beans it shall be for the next few days

The height of laziness. Open a can, Stan. And since I’m poor and these were on special, baked beans it shall be for the next few days

 

 

What anorexic worth her salt doesn't exist on a mixture of 'free' foods tossed into a salad. In the name of keeping the tradition going – another salad

What anorexic worth her salt doesn’t exist on a mixture of ‘free’ foods tossed into a salad. In the name of keeping the tradition going – another salad

 

I love leftovers. There're so easy. No cooking, chopping or mixing. Just a scrape onto a new plate. Life couldn't get more simple.

I love leftovers. There’re so easy. No cooking, chopping or mixing. Just a scrape onto a new plate. Life couldn’t get more simple.

Body Beautiful

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced. This is my weekly journal documenting my eating patterns, moods and thoughts. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food.

If you’re taking medication for bipolar disorder, chances are you will gain weight. Having an eating disorder makes it especially challenging to accept the bigger body I now reside in. Although my body feels shockingly foreign to me, I do try to embrace my new ‘curves’ and find Mika’s ‘Big Girl You Are Beautiful‘ a perfect fit in helping me change my frame of mind. To accept the new (and actually improved) me!

My eating is still a bit of pick at this pick at that. Eat straight from the can, a big bowl of ice cream for dinner and too much coffee. One triumph is I’m losing my insane craving for peanuts. I can only wonder what my next food compulsion will be. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will be celery or cucumber or somethin’ like that….

 

Sweet Defeat

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced.  This is my weekly journal of some of my meals. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food. I’ve thrown in some recipes and tips and tricks as I journey towards balanced, healthy eating.

The stress of house hunting and the financials involved have ruined my eating habits. Snacking, grazing and binge eating have been the order of the day. Why I have to binge eat on peanuts and marshmallow, and not carrots or cucumbers is beyond me!  I’m also on a small dosage of olanxapine at night to try to break the cycle of insomnia/disturbed sleep I’ve been struggling with since April. Olanxapine gives me severe water retension. So I have what I call a ‘Buddha Belly’. This is not dysmorphia talking – I really, truly do look like I’m significantly pregnant. Oh joy!  S since I haven’t cooked, boiled, chopped, stirred or mixed anything worthwhile. I have no tasty pictures to present. So this weeks substitution is a limerick. And here we go –

Defeat
there once was a woman who couldn’t eat
her disorder was not very sweet
by hook or by crook
she would try to cook
but soon just admitted defeat

 

 

 

Nourish body and mind – stress ate my appetite

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid courtesy of Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme and nothing balanced.

This is my weekly journal of some of my meals. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food. I’ve thrown in some recipes and tips and tricks as I journey towards balanced, healthy eating.

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It’s been a stressful week trying to buy my own home, and my nutrition has suffered. Two days of zero consumption except for coffee, coke (the soda not the snorting kind) and cigarettes. As always, since my withrawal from venlaxaine, I have developed a compulsive craving for salty peanuts. This has been my predominant binge food and a substitute for cooking a proper meal. Oh well, new week, let’s try again.

A slow start

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced.  This is my weekly journal of some of my meals. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food. I’ve thrown in some recipes and tips and tricks as I journey towards balanced, healthy eating.

You may notice I only post dinners
That’s because I don’t eat during the day. I subsist on a combination of strong coffee and cigarettes. This has been a long ingrained pattern, practiced over years of abuse. I fear is I eat during the day, I will get even fatter. Logically I know this is not true. But the thought pattern is instinctive and difficult to break.

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Nourishing body and mind – week 17

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced.

This is my weekly journal of some of my meals. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food. I’ve thrown in some recipes and tips and tricks as I journey towards balanced, healthy eating.

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Pardon me, some rage slipped out

I finally burrowed out of my dark flat into the brightness of the real world today. To go shopping. At a (dreaded) shopping mall.

Skinny people everywhere

Skinny people everywhere

 

Between the plastic manequins draped with the latest skinny fashions, the traumatic change rooms and the queue’s, I never try anything on. I cross my fingers and hope it fits. Wandering aimlessly, I can’t imagine fitting into that streamlined dress, or that cotton top, or that jersey, t-shirt, jacket……. My eating disorders ricochet inside my head. Convinced I resemble a starving Etheopian with Kwashiorkor, I gave up, my mood low and my feet aching.

My round pot belly is out of proportion to the rest of my body

My round pot belly is out of proportion to the rest of my body

 

But I needed one of those one terabyte thingies. The salesman tells me the special’s sold out. I look at him, waiting for options. He looks back at me, blinking. I say, well don’t you have any in the back? He goes off and returns with an older gentleman who tells me the same thing, madam we are out of stock, but you can take this one instead. And the genius points to a more expensive brand. Oh, for the same price though, I enquire. He says no. I say, well then that’s not a choice, you are forcing me to purchase the more expensive brand. He says, sorry we’re out of stock, his gaze shifts into the distance and he starts picking his nose.

WELL, my brain goes ENGAGE RAGE. I have a vague recollection of loud words coming hot and fast off my tongue while waving my hands above my head in a muddy impression of “Cheaters vs Jerseylisious”. I ranted about Mr Big Corporation preying on the General Consumer, we’re a ‘lamb to the slaughter’ being reduced to impotent victims yadda yadda . I know I stamped my foot at one point. That sent the first saleman running, yes running like Usain Bolt, away from me and to the safe enclave of his fellow colleagues a few feet away.

Even I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of my rage

Even I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of my rage

 

 

But I did need the terabyte thingie. So I cursed the older salesman who had by this stage taken his finger out his nose and was staring at me with a slack jaw. I don’t recall what else I shouted, but the fiasco finished off with a Shame on you, SHAME ON YOU, dressing down to the older salesman, before I wobbled away, shaking, jerking, twitching, to the cashier.

This is why I don’t like shopping. Between the change room lighting, people pushing and bumping, long queue’s and sore feet, keeping vigilant for pick-pocketers, my tolerance wears thin, triggers start popping, and all it takes is a salesman absentmindedly fingering his nose, to set me off.