alone

A sorry state of affairs

I’d been dating The Good Guy for a few months before introducing him here on my blog. Laura P. Shulman shared an insightful observation which I never forgot. Her honest words made me observant and helped guide me through the confusion of the conclusion that he really was a Trojan Horse. An alcohol-swilling, shamelessly-lying wolf in sheep’s clothing. A Good Guy gone bad.

Since ditching the lying, drinking Good Guy, I’ve existed on a diet of undereating and oversleeping. Trying to deny deep yearnings to contact him, I’ve plied my mind with Pinterest quotes…..


But with the roar of co-dependency in my ears, I admit defeat. Good love, bad love, I want him back. I contacted him, tossing away my dignity, and begged like a wounded animal. I’m ashamed. I know I’ve made the wrong choice, but I can’t seem to escape the vicious cycle of settling for bad love just to avoid being alone. And its weird. As with the others, I don’t even want to physically be around him at all. Maybe once in a while would be nice. But I prefer my solitude. Prefer them, distant, on the periphery of my life. I just don’t understand myself at all.

The Hospital Chronicles – Part 3

I am suicidal but I don’t want to die. Quite the opposite. I want to live a full and productive life. So I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy. This is a documentation of all that I learned

Permission to mingle

Okay, so I have ‘permission’ to mingle in the dating pool without that horrible label of being ‘needy’. But how to do it without getting my heart broken each time? I become quickly and intensely attached to people which always ends in heartbreak.

3-_permission-to-mingle

Here’s what the doc had to say:

Just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them.

If you meeting someone and you have chemistry and all the right stuff and you date and get married and live happily ever after, well then good for you. But that need not be the approach or end game. You can date for fun, for companionship, just for sex, a one night stand, be friends with benefits or all of the above. You can date but still keep a distance and don’t engage your heart.

My doc’s awesome analogy:

Say you go on vacation to Mauritius. You meet a local man with a gorgeous, sexy french accent. You spend time together, there’s chemistry, you laugh, have fun and have sex because you are intoxicated by the adventure . But all holidays come to an end. Its sad to part, but you knew it was going to be short-lived so you stayed in the moment with no emotional investment. There was no pressure of a potential future together. It was simply a fun holiday romance. Perhaps you do maintain contact and develop genuine feelings over the course of time. And perhaps you end up together for that happy ever after. Or maybe not.

My doc said to me:

Go out there and have some fun. Be safe. No serious stuff. If that happens to evolve over time then great. But let that not be your goal. Eat, drink, be merry, have a one night stand if you want to. Above all, keep your heart to yourself and don’t invest emotionally. Think of your French Lover and laissez faire. It doesn’t have to be long term. It can simply be for enjoyment and you can be the one in control, doing it on your own terms. This new perspective makes me feel like an independent woman. I just need to figure out what ‘my own terms’ are.

The Hospital Chronicles – Part 2

I am suicidal but I don’t want to die. Quite the opposite. I want to live a full and productive life. So I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy. This is a documentation of all that I learned.

Alone is not my normal, it’s a trigger

A few weeks ago I had a life changing session with my doc and I walked away with the revelation of ‘normal is relative‘. One of the other topics addressed was my debilitating sense of ‘aloneness’ – a sense that I stand alone in this world, unwanted and invisible. This has been a hot topic in each session I have had with him. We explored it some more yesterday in hospital.

This was his perspective:

As human beings we are born to be social. From the time of cavemen, we have relished sitting around the fire exchanging stories, interacting, eating til our belly pops, loving, fighting, brawling, hunting, pairing off, having sex, reproducing, nurturing, laughing, crying, roaring with anger. I am not weak because I want a companion. For most of us, wanting a companion is ‘normal‘. If I had an extended family unit, a large circle of friends, were a social personality type or had a pet, I would not be as devastated by this ‘aloneness’ as I am. My only human interaction is the limited amount I allow myself at work, and interaction with my blogging friends. Too much time alone. Too much time for thoughts. I need to be channeling this energy into social interaction as one would channel water into a growing plant so that it may grow and thrive. I need human distraction so my thoughts don’t consume me. This has nothing to do with bipolar. Its based on my personality type.

But for every rule there is an exception. There are the extraordinary beings that live a thriving life completely alone and content. But that’s not how I’m built. I need someone. And needing is different to being needy. And needing someone to share in my life is not weak. For me its natural and normal.

We ended the session with him saying – This year, I’ve known all along your diagnosis is loneliness. Your loneliness is causing you great suffering and its become one of your triggers. Talk about ‘food for thought’. It’s more like a banquet of food for thought. An eat-as-much-as-you-like-buffet food for thought!

 

 

Self-love has been the missing piece

I’ve had a bit of an revelation regarding my distressing feelings of ‘aloneness’. I’m thinking its not about being alone. Rather its about being alone with somebody I don’t like. Me! I don’t like myself. I certainly don’t love myself. No one enjoys the company of someone they don’t like. That must be an unpleasant and distressing experience…..? So now I’ve discovered the faulty wiring of my thought pattern, hopefully I can begin to work towards developing self-love and live in harmony, not ‘aloneness’ with myself.

 

Life sentence

A great storm is howling outside in the dark. The wind pushes the trees sideways. The windows rattle in their frames. Lightening forks and illuminates in silhouettes. Thunder rumbles and cracks like a whip. The rain has turned into hail. I watch the spectacle and all the while a thought chases its tail around in my head…

I am alone

I am alone

I am alone

I am alone and I am frightened. Abandoned by lies and self-serving agenda’s. So alone it feels cold. My life is inhospitable. By day the smiling and the laughing because I know there is no tolerance for sadness. At night I sit on the floor and look out at the dark and wish I was someone different. Too often I wish I had never left my husband. It was a life I was familiar with. Despite the abuse it was a comfort zone. It seems so much harder, out here, alone.

I battle to see the point of my courage and struggles. To what end? If this is freedom I would not choose it again. I’ve gained independence but so much loss along the way. I am severely depressed. I have no hope of feeling better. This is not a life. This is a sentence.

Curse of The Salesman

As my encounter with The Narcissist was imploding, Life threw me to the wolves. An old boyfriend from 3 years ago contacted me with obvious ulterior motives.

The Salesman
His ability to spin the truth in his favour is astounding. He brings new meaning to ‘bullshit baffles brains’. He’s an adept liar, with self entitlement and arrogance bourne of wealth. I broke up with him in 2013 after a 7 month relationship see-sawing between breakup(me) and make up(him) process. Unbeknownst to me I was desperately unstable at the time. He confused me, nothing was simple, and everything was exclusively on his terms. But despite doing the breaking up, as is evident with all my relationships, it took me a very long time to get over him.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he reconnected via email. His intentions were pretty clear, so I stopped him in his tracks offering only friendship. The texting and chatting on the phone has been nice. As a loner and recluse I don’t experience that much. But since our interaction, I’ve caught him out in numerous lies. I’ve grown in the past 3 years, I know what to be aware of, so I’ve cut off all contact with him.

I don’t like him. I don’t want him. And I’m so, so, very angry with him for disrupting my contented solitude. I was happy. Now I’m sad and drifting, feeling alone in the world again, convinced I’ll never be anyone’s partner, never be loved, never be touched. Now I have to run the gauntlet of becoming comfortable with me being alone again. Yet again.

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
– Linkin Park – Giving up

If I have to drag a life lesson out of this incident the moral of the story would be – if you don’t trust someone’s intentions, go with your goddamned gut. And if you don’t want to be involved, for godsake don’t be polite, just initiate no contact immediately. Because once you let them in, and interaction becomes familiar, the disconnect only hurts you. The result… I’m in a give-up, couldn’t-give-a-fuck type of mood. Will my life ever be normal?

 

In the shadows of bipolar

What shadows me is a constant feeling of inadequacy. Of not fitting in, having no where to belong. Being a person that is ‘unacceptable’. It makes me unbearably sad, especially as I know this will never change. I try to be someone, someone definite. But bipolar hijacks me and I turn into someone else and no sooner do I turn my back, than…. I’m alone again.

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As much as I am rejected, I push people away. No one gets too close, for fear of seeing the monster I mask. For fear of bearing witness to the fraud that is me. I will never live up to your expectations because I never live up to my own. The only consistent thing about me, is that I constantly disappoint.

With every rising of the tide or setting of the sun, I change. Sometimes, I’m too much…. too much talking, thinking, walking loudly to the beat of my own empty drum. Sometimes, I’m not enough…. lack of focus, interest…. likeability. I’m anti-social and withdrawn. The laughter stops and I grind through life entombed in a sorrow so piercing I’m convinced my heart has been punctured and is bleeding.

As the tide rises, so the tide will seep back into the belly of the ocean. And tomorrow the sun will rise again. These things are certain. And as for me?  I have no certainty.  I can only live one day at a time. Anything more would be unbearable.