abuse

I choose me

its finally time to find myself
in a place that exists for no one else
I have banished the bad
that have long had
their way with my head
this time I choose myself instead
I may be alone, but its what I condone
with this new chapter there’s only myself to factor
to enjoy my own undivided attention
in exchange for unwanted affection
no compromise to disguise
differences in our preferences
while excluding mine which you treat as benign
no draining of my energy
into a state of lethargy
or walking on egg shells
in an attempt to dispel
subtle abuse
no
that’s not what I choose
This time I choose me because finally I see
and what I see is, I am worthy

I’m up for it – 3 Day Quote Challenge

Rules
1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Post one quote for three consecutive days
3. Nominate three bloggers each day

Thank you Dana for nominating me for the Three Day Quote Challenge. I accept the challenge and will post quotes that best represent me on my present journey.

2-pushed them all away

As with challenges and awards, there is no obligation to accept. With that being said, my nominees are:
bipolar1blog
epic journal of my life
sliceoflife11 

Two down, but still so much farther to go

The needle was sunk deep into my ass and the plunger wouldn’t work. I was twisted as far around as I could go, manhandling the Voltaren syringe now dangling from my butt, and all I wanted was to shout for someone to come and help me. But I had to figure it out because I’m alone and only I could fix this.

And fix it I did, but this time it hurt. The indignity of my vulnerability brought me to tears. Although, in my current state of depression, pretty much everything brings me to tears – every day. And so I cried because the injection hurt. And I cried because yesterday, as so often happens, I passed my ex-husband in traffic and he didn’t notice me. It was a metaphor for our marriage – I was as invisible to him now as I was then.

I cried for the loss of Lover, a stranger I never knew, who’s abuse has changed me at such a fundamental level I know I will never be the same again. I cried over every other man who had mistreated me, abused me, raped me. Every friend who has discarded me, every colleague who has judged me. I cried because my father loves money and appearances more than he loves me. And, as always when I cry, I cried for the loss of my mother and her abandonment by chosing suicide. I just curled into a heap and cried snot and tears and emotional anguish.

Crying by stardixa - www.deviantart.com

I cry for loss [source]

But, as much as I am resistant to see a psychologist, at the insistence of my doc I have made an appointment for Thursday next week. I have no doubt I will cry some more. But, perhaps the pain can be channeled into some healing of sorts? I dunno. I’m kind of giving up.

I’m up for it – 3 Day Quote Challenge

Rules
1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Post one quote for three consecutive days
3. Nominate three bloggers each day

Thank you Dana for nominating me for the Three Day Quote Challenge. I accept the challenge and will post quotes that best represent me on my present journey.

1-anticipate

As with challenges and awards, there is no obligation to accept.  With that being said, my nominees are:
my spanglish familia
brain different
colour me bipolar 

Disturbia

Lover’s trying to come back. Two months of ignoring his calls, and this week he hoodwinked me by phoning from a different number. I got as far as his “I’m in a bad way, I’m lost without you, I’m coming back” before telling him he’s definitely not wanted, and disconnecting.

I told the good doctor all about Lover during last week’s consult. In his specialised psychiatric opinion, Lover is a sociopath. My blood ran cold. He assured me I’d done nothing wrong; hadn’t attracted another alcoholic into my life. Sociopaths target people. He chose me. The doc said it was purely my good fortune that he happened to be an alcoholic. My background and experience with my alcoholic ex worked in my favour, ensuring a quick exit from the relationship. A sobering thought. Fortune favours the brave? A lucky escape? Yes indeed.

 

Now the sneaky, thieving, lying little bitch is planning on coming back to town. I hope my blunt rejection has deterred him, and not spurred him on. But now I have senario’s playing over and over in my head where he’ll seek revenge, lurking in the shadows, approach me in a parking lot, wielding a gun and wanting to kill me because I’m one of the few that didn’t rescue him from himself.

But the bright side is, I’m still suicidal. So if his gun-toting lordship wants me dead, just give me the time and place, motherfucker. For once, he’d actually be doing an act of kindness. But sarcasm aside, I really am unsettled. I suspect something has triggered him. Possibly he’s lost his job and is now “doing a geographic”. Again. This is a term used in AA which I learned from a recent post by Bradley (insightsbipolarbear.com)

In an attempt to prevent his return, I have emailed two of his family members, advising he is not ‘invited’, welcome nor wanted and has burned all bridges here in Durban. Hopefully someone will see sense and deal with the problem, so he doesn’t become MY problem.

Eroding away at reality

For me the scariest thing about finding out Lover the Loser was an alcoholic was…………… that he was an alcoholic. Distressing to learn he was the second alcoholic I had allowed to enter my life. And now in retrospect, appalled to discover he was emotionally abusing me from the very outset.

emotional abuse

In the beginning while we were dating, he listened very carefully to me. And how easy it was – I’m an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve. He took advantage of that information and designed a persona he knew I would find desireable. But once we moved in together, he could no longer hide his alcoholic secret. And that is when I realised I was living with a stranger. I was frightened of him because I didn’t actually know him at all. Life as I knew it was suddenly over. The dream was dead.

heart on sleeve

He was a compulsive liar. The way in which he presented himself was the polar opposite of who he truly was. I am to take everything he ever said, turn it on it’s head, and take the opposite as the truth. It’s all chaotic and confusing. A mindfuck, if you will. Shocking to find the reality I knew, was nothing more than vapour from his breath.

And even more shocked to discover this twisting of the truth, this distortion of my reality, is a form of mental/emotional abuse called Gaslighting. Looking back, I can identify 17 years worth of this abuse by my Alcoholic Ex-husband. He beat me with lies, cunning and confusion to the point where I was dead inside. He defined my reality until nothing was real. I was easy pickings for a predator like Lover the Loser. Bipolar and medications have damaged my memory, so there was never any arguing against anything he said……. because I couldn’t remember. I had to trust him. Even when things did seem questionable, I had no choice but to believe him.

gaslighting

So to be honest, I don’t know who the real Slim Shady is. Too many lies have unfolded since he left, calling his character into question. What I do know, is that he has skillfully manipulated every truth to bend and fall in his favour, and I feel immensely stupid and gullible to have fallen for his alcoholic ways.  Especially after my experience with my Alcoholic Ex-husband.  Stupid… Stupid… Stupid!

Sleeping with the enemy

If it looks like a duck, if it swims like a duck, if it quacks like a duck…..it’s a duck.

If he lies and denies like a politician, if he steals like a theif, if he manipulates like a conman, if he drinks like a fish….he’s dangerous and needs to go.

Despite my hard choice boundary – if you drink alcohol in any way, shape, or form, for whatever reason, our relationship is over and you will leave immediately – I’ve since discovered details about him from a reliable source. A source that introduced us and now feels so guilty because she too believed his lies and manipulation.

fear_by_darkixi - source deviatart-com

 

Bottom line, I am frightened of him. The person I met is not the person I’m discovering him to be. He’s not just an alcoholic. He’s a thief. He’s a conman. But are these traits merely a part of the drinking disease? Dunno…..

I’m scared to kick him out for fear of repercussions. Basically, I’m just scared of him. Scared to close my eyes and go to sleep. Scared he’ll break in, because he can. I can’t move – I’ve signed a 12 month lease. I feel conflicted, vulnerable, exposed and (ab)used. Do I just throw him out? Or do I give him the chance to find somewhere to stay first? Or do I wait out the whole sobriety process? Dunno…..

But I’m a fighter and I’m hoping I’m merely catastrophizing everything. That the outcome will not be as bad as I am imagining it to be. I will stand my ground, this is my home, my name on the lease. I’ve fought too long and too hard to get to where I am in my personal growth to have it fucked up by a liar, a drunk and a thief.

I don’t own much to steal. And material goods are replaceable. If he kills me, well, I’m suicidal half my life so I guess that’s a blessing in disguise. If he lays a hand on me, I’ll punch him in the throat and call my landlord who is ‘in’ with the cops. Help would arrive quickly.

I’m sad and disillusioned that what started as a dream come true, has turned into a nightmare.

Just for today

Today, I choose
not to abuse
myself with my mind
for one day, just put behind
what I lack
or will never get back
what I haven’t or didn’t
what I bloody well shouldn’t
have done with myself and my life

I’ve grown old being told
what to do, being controlled
judged by another’s set of rules
a logic that’s sure to confuse
so I go through the motions
deliver pleasing emotions
but not today,
today, I will be kind
and set free my mind
from being confined
just for today

Bellyaching

I tried to do a post yesterday. Obviously didn’t work. Now I’m trying to do a post. It’s not working either. I’m getting so pissed off, so I’ll give you the bullet points:

  • anorexic most of my life
  • few years ago + lithium = fat + broken thyroid = fatter + divorce = fattest
  • day 3 of banting diet = misery, pure fucking misery
  • I can’t reconcile ‘eat fat to lose weight’
  • are they sure this fat I’m eating is gonna come off? What if I get even bigger?
  • I can’t reconcile ‘feeling full is a good thing’
  • I cannot bare sitting at my desk, feeling full and clothing is tight. I want to fucking cut myself and I’ve never done that shit before!!!!!!
  • I’m supposed to feel hungry to lose weight
  • day 3 – how do I deprogram 25 years worth of my own warped thought process; self abuse
  • how do I eat? I only know how to feel comfortable eating ‘forbidden’ foods, either binge/as a ‘reward’
  • the rest of time I’m happy feeling starving… smoke cigarettes + caffeine
  • no chocolate – freak the fuck out. Remove my chocolate, remove the one bright spark in my day that makes it all worthwhile
  • no Coke®. See above
  • I don’t want to do this anymore

ITS FREAKING ME OUT

bellyaching

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • my friend has been doing this for 4 months and lost heaps of weight, her daughter lost 5kg in one month. What if I don’t lose? What if my metabolism is just too fucked up?

plus I’m depressed. Apparently the new year is my trigger. oh yay. suicide occupies more and more of my head. But in a detached way, clinical. I won’t do anything so no one worry

  • sick and tired
  • so tired
  • sick in the head

Aaaaaaargh!