Poetry

Secret’s consequence

what he’s done

has left me numb

needless secrets

heartless meanness

Not a tear shall be shed

‘cos he made his own bed

liar, liar, pants on fire

falsehoods that you did conspire

a trust unstable

from your betrayal

a trust once earned

has now been spurned

a trust once honest

has lost its promise

let liquor be your mistress

while I go ’bout my business

I’m better off without you

a man whose heart is untrue

Mind control

Control your mind and you’ll be fine

he said to this insomniac

during a hypomanic attack

lucky for him it was said via ext

or else I’d have broken his neck

Control my mind?

Something that’s never been mine?

A quick trick so simplistic

the mere thought of it makes me sick

he crossed the line this time

I’ve tried to be honest about my illness

that there never is any stillness

or reprieve to be received

the concept is understood

but in practice its’ overlooked

a sarcastic apology defensive

in my raw state it’s offensive

to redirect blame is a shame

There are hundreds of things I cannot say”, he shouts as I walk away

I can’t argue with that

all I can do is detach

Control your mind he says over and over

but if I could, I’d have the cure for bipolar

Lackluster

Woke up with fear in my gut
Wanted to keep my eyes tight shut
Got no money in the bank, it’s a deep and empty tank
Annual increase is laughable
Implausible
Impractical
Totally irrational
I must look like a sucker to those rich motherfuckers
In their castles on the hill while I work myself ill
So I didn’t do my hair because I don’t care

I didn’t paint my face and not by mistake

its a rebellion

against the reccession that has become my life

of the highs and the lows and the anything goes

the why’s and the woes and the who fuck knows

I’m tired

mired in this uphill treadmill

of going nowhere slowly

headed to the end lonely

I have to say, it’s been a lackluster day

Yesterday is dead

the coal from the last burn, still hurts

it was the worst

of human touch

but let go I must

it will not define me

cloud me

isolate and hide me

with my face to the sun

I shout ‘come on’

the day has just begun

so let’s have some fun

but I’ll keep a hand to my heart

not fall so hard or fast

Lover stitched his net of lies

but I won’t let him deny

the good that I should own

the good that’s mine and mine alone

yesterday is dead

let’s look ahead

tomorrow should not be a threat

but something I embrace instead

***

This poem was inspired by sentiments from the following blogs:

……don’t listen to your bipolar brain. There’s too much activity up there to get a good reading. Ride the wave while it is there. Don’t be in a rush to find fault. Your first responsibility is to LIVE. So keep going out with him. Keep letting him into your world. Savor every drop. Live every moment as if it were your last. And if it is your last, make it the best last day of your life. Leave your mark by being the best lover this world has ever known. Love his encouragement. Love his eyes. Love his understanding and reaching out. Never give him a reason to believe you are hesitant. Go all the way. Be reckless. Be wild”

https://ericghoff61.wordpress.com/

…the coal from the last burn still hurts”

https://lookingforthelightblog.wordpress.com/

I’m going to take it slow as fast as I can”

https://kate1975.wordpress.com/2017/04/18/healing-quotes-littles-876/

The Hospital Chronicles – Part 5

I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week.  I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy.  This is a documentation of all that I learned

Respite

an insomniac with a tired brain
and a leg that’s in pain
is bipolar not enough
to drive me nuts
now doc says I’m ADD
‘cos I can’t focus you see
and to add fire to the flame
he went on to explain
I am dyslexic
did Life handpick
me to be a statistic?
its unrealistic
to burden me so
as it pulls me low
to a point I may not rise
against the incoming tide
enough is enough Life
may 2017 bring some respite

The fight

Every morning I paint my lipstick on

and I con the world into believing that I belong

I smile and joke

and try to float

the current to the end of day

trying, trying to pave my way

to seamlessly behave

as is expected

living others’ perspective

then home, where I’m alone

my lipstick washed by tears

the pressured load to please

its finally released

and I can breath

now freed

to mourn my desperation

for this depression situation

and with each tear that falls

you’re a failure” Life calls

ungrateful and lazy

pull yourself together you crazy!”

failure, failure, failure echos

as death solemnly smiles and beckons

but still I wake and put my lipstick on

I might be done but I won’t be gone

a tug of war Depression and Life

I’ll participate, butI don’t walk away from a fight

Cracking Stability

It’ll pass

it’ll pass

it’ll pass

but why am I left to ask

when will it pass

when will it pass

when will it pass

Life is an ass

a snake in the grass

with every path

and every clash

I take a headlong crash

and smash a balance that lacks

pillars against these traps

my stability impacts

and cracks

and all I can ask

is when will this pass?

Drowning

The tide of life swims in and out

sometimes so fast I can’t keep count

its tiring

the sighing

and crying

and ‘I don’t want to keep trying’

then up and away

my emotions sway

thoughts stretched tight and in motion

the brain drinking dry the magic potion

then the high drops

and more crying won’t stop

and she drowns

without a sound

sapped dry by the lie

of happy endings

and broken hearts mending