Blogging makes my heart break

Blogging has been difficult for me this year. Within six months I’ve lost two close friends. Ulla (Blahpolar) died in September 2016, and Johnna (Painkills2 from All Things Chronic) earlier this year. Johnna played a significant part in supporting me through my grief over Ulla’s passing.

Johnna and Ulla were active and involved blogger.s Their avatars were everywhere. Their part in my life has made me a better person. And now they’re gone. And as life evolves and changes, it seems the ‘old crowd’ has scattered to the wind. I open up WordPress and feel the impact of those departed – the ones that faded quietly away never to return, the friends who kindly bid farewell as they moved on with life. And then the dead. Nothing is the same anymore and the bloggosphere feels so foreign and empty. I don’t adapt well to change. And I form attachments very quickly. While I have since made wonder new friends and know there are plenty of new friends to be made, loss is still so fresh that right now, I’m not sure what direction I will take with my blog.

Not to mention I can barely keep up with following everybody else. I feel so guilty. That I’m not present, reading and interacting like I used to. Life doesn’t leave me with too much spare time. There’s work, which is a mammoth undertaking, exhausting keeping up and avoiding mistakes because of my poor memory. Since my L5 lumbar spinal surgery, its difficult after a full day of sitting at work, to come home and sit and blog. I’m not a laptop-lying-down kinda person. And then there’s my bipolar personal management plan I try so hard to keep to – routine, vigilant for triggers and combating them, lots of sleep etc. Its hard work trying to be healthy.

Stay, go, limit interaction, change the purpose of my blog. I’m not sure. But when I figure things out, you’ll be the first ones to know. In the meantime, know my friends, I love you all and will do the best I can for now.

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44 comments

  1. You and Painkills2, also, strangely, along with a really hard-core religious blog that is anti-everything I believe in, are the part of the blog world crowd that made this experience very cozy for me. Y’all are the ones I genuinely missed when I was in a funk and ignoring my attempt at blog therapy. I am still not participating as much as I think would benefit me, and I hope to remedy that, but I just want you to know how valuable I find your blog to be in my often times dark little world. Painkills2 really did introduce this “haven” feeling for me, and I miss her. I felt pretty lonely before starting my blog. I still do but this experience absolutely helps alleviate that loneliness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Bipolarstoner. I still remember that day I was hypomanic and the 3 of us were having a discussion about hypomania. And Johnna was genuinely trying to understand. She had a big heart and wise words. She often opened up an entirely new perspective for me. And the one time you told her her support was “a beautiful thing”. That was her. Beautiful.

      I’m honoured that you enjoy my blog. That it contributes to your coziness, an antidote to loneliness gives me such joy. Thank you

      Its comments like yours that make me want to stay. We may be strangers, but you are loved

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤ I love you to Pieces. ❤ Thanks for being you. I wish I were more motivated and engaged too, like, "When life hands you shit, plant a fucking garden," but lately when life hands me shit all I feel like is shit.The truth is, when life hands me shit, I need a damned shovel, and lately, mine's either missing or not quite big enough. I watch a lot of blogs, but I am not as involved as I wish I could be. Just know that I'm here and I read and smile when it's funny and cry when it's sad, and know that I treasure you more than you know.
    ~DM

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Deon, thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. I don’t know how you do it. You have bipolar and work a full day just like me, but you also juggle being a family man, a husband, a father. And then there are your spiritual commitments and additional social obligations. I often think about you, and other family bloggers and I REALLY don’t know how you do it.

      Your friendship and support means a lot to me. And knowing you can relate in some small way, have a giggle or a cry with me, it makes it all worthwhile. Thank you, thank you. I treasure you too

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, I do it by sleeping at least 3 or 4 hours EVERY day, and cramming the rest in where I can. At least all my rabid fans don’t wonder why I don’t have 30 self-published books yet. “Quickly, there’s no time! Get to the supermarket,” marriedman, and bring home a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread!

        Mrs M on the other hand thinks I should already have finished a few. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      2. oh, and also I don’t like falling behind or getting nagged so I avoid those things whenever possible. I’m a bit tired today so I may sleep 5 or 6 hours tonight. If I get home early enough. I quit walking the dog, started making my kids do that. I’m tired and lately, my legs get cramp-y. And sometimes my back hurts. But I don’t have to tell them when and when not. (shh!!- I’m mostly physically fine today!)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about Johnna’s passing. I didn’t know Johnna, but empathize for you and your grief. Ulla, I knew, and loved, and mourned with you. It’s hard to be here sometimes because this is the ultimate risk that we run, losing those we’ve come to love to suicide.

    For me, these deaths are what is starting to drive me. For you, it may be different. From a purely selfish point of view I would hope you wouldn’t leave. I would miss you. I cherish your posts. However, from a selfless point of view, I want you to do what makes you comfortable and happy. And if being here is not accomplishing that goal, then you need to find something that does.

    Love you to pieces, Pieces. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lesley…. thank you so much. That’s what I tell myself – we blog within a high risk community and shouldn’t really be surprised when death visits. But its natural to grieve isn’t it, as human beings. I can’t believe the responses of warmth and love. It is certainly encouraging me to stay. Thank you for your love Lesley xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for your honesty, Pieces. I miss you when you’re not here! I hope you choose to stay and continue blogging, but obviously we’ll all support you in whatever you decide. We’re cheering for you from all corners of the world. Sorry about your recent losses…Ulla shook me up quite a bit too. Anyway, all that to say that it is good to see you again and I’m sorry for your transition period. Transitions are really tough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Hazelhillboro. I love your blog too. You are a brilliant writer. Thank you for your support and kind words. It means a lot to me. I still remember that poem you wrote 😀 You should do another one. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m lost for words to be honest. Except to say thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You are grieveing…

    Give yourself time. Take care of yourself. Everything else will fall into its new place sooner or later.

    I am sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey friend
    I understand, truly do. While fighting Lyme I should have taken a break. The problem was I don’t remember. Maybe a change of direction for now. When you told me you volunteered I cried, so happy for you. When your fighting the daily battle of Bipolar sometimes you’re putting weights around your neck and can’t see them stacking up. You turned a major corner, a huge, pushed thru to a feeling in your soul that felt so good you had to tell me. Flip over to the positives and falls, more positives, maybe you put the weights on yourself. We do that because we can’t see what we are doing to ourself.
    Where ever you go, what ever you do, you are a Survivor. That’s pretty fucking good to me. The growth, knowledge, mentoring is a joy to watch. Know I think of you often, we speak the language of being Bipolar, you are strong and will succeed with determination and desire to help others.
    I hope you’re still reading comments, anytime….msandorm@verizon.net. You need to make decision on what is best for you, push the chatter in your head out.God is at the wheel, knows where you’re going and how you live your life. I believe he/she can send signals, signals to prepare you for where your life is going.
    I’ll miss you, your in Gods hand. Pray for answers to what you need to see or learn from.
    Huge Hugs
    Melinda/M/Warrior

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow M! ❤ I can't thank you enough. You've been with me since the beginning of my blog. I love what you just said " we speak the language of being Bipolar". Its moments like this that encourage me to stay. And you're right about being weighed down – that we are so often the ones putting the weights around our necks. I'm sitting here thinking about what you've said….. as I said, I am a better person for having known them, but I'm also a better person for being involved in blogging. So why cut the experience short just because times are tough? Some soul food for thought. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your support and encouragement. Now and over the years. I'm a better person for knowing you too, M ❤

      I think I'm going to stay….. Just have to get my life in order. Love you M ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey girl
        Volunteer more, visit with people in using homes who have no one to see them. Collect all the magazines you take and take to floors at hospital. People get sick of reading a 3-6 month old issue. So many things, the reward is they don’t know, because you care about people you do it. Doesn’t cost much. Their is a site called Ebates, you install in browser and every time you shop it will pop up and tell you what percent you earned for going there. Their is a place I shop where you get points for reviews and purchases. I use my points to get items to take to shelter. This week my points got me three pack of women underwear. If you left everything behind just to get away from abuse, now you’re in a place and don’t even have any underwear. When I find a deal of century on kids clothes, like young girl dresses or jumps, like I found a major brand for $1, I went crazy think I bought 30 or 40. Who can buy clothing for a dollar.
        I felt so good inside it made me smile. Lighten the load, talk about the specifics of your illness, less often and skip the beating yourself over the head about the shit life throws at all of us. You reinforce the negative over and over and what your brain hears is what you’re putting in there. Another less stress to handle is back off, don’t write as often. Build your life the way you see it.
        I do some of the same things, we have to put blogging down on the list.
        I look forward to see what steps get you all the way around the boulder!
        M

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I just started reading your blog and I enjoy it very much. Ruby Pipes was a blogger we lost in January, and it broke my heart. Like you said, the world isn’t the same without them. I wish you good luck on your journey…I know I as well as your other readers understand.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Tracey. I’m sad to hear of your loss too. It’s not easy. I think the anonymity of blogging allows us to be more vulnerable, more open, which makes the loss so dreadful. I had no idea you’d just started reading my blog. So you are one of the “plenty of new friends to be made”. So kind of you to comment. Know that you’ve made a big difference. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s extremely difficult when you lose people you have found a connection with I have a hard time with grief. I’ll either stay in it for a very long time or push it down somewhere so deep it causes problems later. You can only do what you are capable of doing. There’s no pressure here and I’m sure you know we’re here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darie, thank you for understanding. And your support. It really warms my heart. I think you’re amazing with all that you cope with. All your chronic illnesses. And often think ‘if you can do it so can I’. So you see, you support me without even knowing you do. I’m feeling encouraged. Thank you so much ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There are many days where I think “Why am I still here? Why do I stay and suffer?”. Then I go to my Blog, I read other people’s stories or write out my feelings. I don’t always post what I write lol but it still helps more than any medication, treatment or therapy I’ve had so far. It’s me who should be thanking everyone. I’m here if needed.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I am a newly diagnosed BP and fell across your blog by accident. Just hearing someone else have similar issues has made me feel not so alone. I would miss you if you left us; way over here in Australia!

    I do not know either of those who have passed; but grief is grief – and I think that time is truly the only thing that makes the loss bearable. The ache just dulls; but will always be there.

    Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Pieces of Bipolar,

    My name is Anuj Agarwal. I’m Founder of Feedspot.

    I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Pieces of Bipolar has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 100 Bipolar Disorder Blogs on the web.

    http://blog.feedspot.com/bipolar_disorder_blogs/

    I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 100 Bipolar Disorder Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!

    Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.

    Best,
    Anuj

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I look forward to your posts. Your writing style is fresh and easy to follow and “real”. I, too, struggle with being actively involved. Life gets in the way. But I know that I can always find kind hearts here in the blogosphere where I can read about people’s successes with their bipolar lives. I do hope your stay and continue to bless us with your offerings.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi there Pieces, Sorry for the disappearance. I was quite depressed for a long while. I didn’t want to do “anything”. But now I am better. I am on new meds “anti-depressants”. Prozac, I think. It has helped considerably.

        I will be active again soon. I am sorting things out right now. I decided to start a business (can u believe it?) that is taking up my time right now.

        I miss you. I will be back shortly. Stay positive. Stay focused.

        Love you

        Eric

        Like

  12. I’m really sorry 😦 I am sorry that you lost friends. I hope you get all the time you need and all the support. Please don’t feel guilty. I have written five stories about somethings I went through/am going through and couldn’t put them up. What you wrote to me when I started was so kind and helpful that I left some of the posts up. I’m trying to say is that you are right being healthy is hard work and it’s really hard to navigate everything, especially when you lose people. Will blogging take up the time it takes me to gear up to taking tablets. Will I regret a post when I’m low. When should I do it. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You taught me that on my very first post that some days you just can’t blog. As much solidarity as I can to you and truly all my bestest wishes xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, Ghost, you’re a sweetheart. Thank you for such heartfelt encouragement. And you’re right. Sometimes its all you can do to navigate the everyday routines of life, and blogging seems impossible.

      As for regretting anything you’ve posted? When I revisit some posts I want to die of embarrassment. But mostly its not others judgements we need worry about. We are our own worse critics.

      You’ve really given me a boost. Thank you so much ❤

      Like

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