Suicide should bear no shame

There’s a woman my age at work who has lived most of her life with one kidney. A transplanted kidney. Now its old and failing her. She’s been on the transplant list and on dialysis for more than 6 years. Over time she’s fallen ill, been in and out of hospital and come close to death. Yet to look at her you’d never say she was sick. She still works. She is always cheerful. I’ve never heard her complain. Never bemoaned her fate. She’s active, pursues a physically challenging hobby. She lives and loves without restraint.

I walked past her today, and overheard a piece of conversation. She said “I don’t want them resuscitating me, you know, you put your life into their hands”. This was said within the context of – she doesn’t want to die. She doesn’t want events to deteriorate to such a point where she would have to be resuscitated. She wants the surgery to run smoothly. Kidney failure or no kidney failure, she wants to live.

My immediate thought was one of jealousy, envious of her close proximity to death. Because I don’t want to live anymore. And so I became ashamed. Thoroughly disgusted by myself. While she fights to stay alive, I dream, plot and scheme about my own death. My thoughts roam hour by hour in an endless loop from hanging to drowning to guns.

So I told myself I was a terrible person for entertaining suicide as much as I do. For being selfish. For being ungrateful. For being lazy. For being a poor, useless excuse of a human being. But then I thought – while there is dialysis or an organ transplant for failing kidneys, there are no such options for my brain. While her blood is cleansed, there is no way to clean my mind of these suicide-thoughts. Thoughts that are purely symptoms. I have a brain that’s sick, with no way to be fixed. We are both ill. There should be no comparison. We just suffer in different ways. And there is no shame in that.

My mother killed herself when I was 19 years old. Today would have been her 74th birthday. Happy birthday, Mom.  I love you xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wKzyIN1yk

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19 comments

  1. I have thought this way countless times, especially when my migraines are so debilitating that I just want life to end. During my black depression days, and especially when the pdocs though the ‘miracle cure’ ECTs would lift the depression (they never did), when they put me under anesthetic I prayed I wouldn’t wake up after the procedures.

    Yes, and there are people fighting for their lives. I suppose it doesn’t make sense or logic, but does it have to when you are feeling so hopeless, fed up, or helpless. At that moment you are so friggin tired of people saying ‘it will get better’, and you’re rolling your eyes thinking ‘that is such a shallow statement’. But suicide is not the answer, and you know damn well it isn’t, but don’t we have the right to feel that way? You are a survivor and not perfect. Hugs to you for staying strong 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh! Thank god someone can relate and I’m not just an awful human being! So you’ll also understand this – I want to die, but I don’t really… I actually want to live. But living with chronic illness is to tiring and painful. Such hard bloody work living in fear and overwhelm. Death is tempting. But I don’t really want to give up. Not yet anway 😉 Thanks for sharing so honestly. Its really made me feel better

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s no shame in that at all. Your emotions don’t dictate your reality. Truth is truth all of the time and the truth is that you’re not the only one. I remember you commenting on my blog a little while ago mentioning your interests in the spiritual things of life. Can I comment on that for a moment?

    I firmly and wholeheartedly believe that God created you and loves you more than you can ever fathom. When Adam and Eve first disobeyed God’s command they brought sin into the world and, in turn, brought death and decay. From that point on, every single person that has lived and is living has been born with a sin nature. We naturally oppose the God of the Universe. That sin separates us from Him and I believe that the Bible tells us that there is no eternity in Heaven without God. An eternity without God is spent in hell. Not a popular opinion, but I believe it’s the truth.

    BUT…

    God saw us in that state and loved us so much he sent Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sins. A one time payment for every sin we’ve ever committed, do commit, and will. He loves us just for who we are but he wants us to be more like him. He loves you so much and wants you to love him just the same.

    Because of sin and its effects on the earth, we have diseases, death, climate decline, etc…Sin not only affects our spiritual lives but our physical ones as well.

    Now, by no means am I saying that you’ve done something wrong and are being punished. NOT AT ALL. What I am saying is that these diseases we face are natural because of the deteriorating state of everything around us.

    Jesus wants to fix that. He wants to restore our spiritual state and our physical state. And He will if we choose to follow Him and believe in Him.

    I’m sure you have questions. I’m your friend and I want to answer them. Please! Email me with any questions and I’d love to talk to you more. I just know you mentioned wanting to search so I wanna be there with you. confessionsmalin@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Matthew. Consider me a spiritual sponge at this point. I welcome and appreciate any input you have to offer. I don’t have set questions. I have more of a jaded view, perhaps suspicions or misgiving would be a better description.

      I was put off the church and christianity when my mom died. She was greatly involved in the church and had a strong faith and devotion. I was brought up in the church, spent most of my teenage years as a ‘disciple’ until I became rebellious as most teens do. You see, when my mom was institutionalised several years before her death, the church abandoned her. They claimed her mental illness was demonic possession and she wasn’t getting well because she didn’t have enough faith in God’s ability to heal her. When in actual fact she couldn’t get well because she was medication resistant. Then of course came the suicide and we had to fight to have her service held in the church. They didn’t want us there because her death had been a sin.

      So one of my obstacles is trying to reconcile a God of love, with people of judgement. Put it this way, I know there’s a god. I just don’t like him very much. That’s the nuts and bolts of it really. And I don’t want to be a blind, gullible, unquestioning followers like my mom was. She did all the right things, but they turned their back on her.

      Her death, ironically, is what made me, grudgingly, believe in god again . She jumped off the hospital building. But survived the fall. It took half an hour before she was found and shortly thereafter she died. There was a very slight possibility she could have survived. But she didn’t and decided God must have shown mercy on her. He’d seen her suffering through all of life and decided enough was enough for this poor woman. So he took her home because he loved her.

      Anyway, I’m just typing away as I think about it all. I’ve got your email and I’ll give you mine – piecesofbipolar@yahoo.com – and we can exchange ideas sometime.

      Thank you for giving your time and thought to me. Its precious in this fast paced world of ours 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my goodness bless your heart I can’t even wrap my head around what you must have been and still go through. I lost my parents in a tragic accident when I was a teen, and I have bipolar disorder too. I’ve never been mad at God until this past year when my bipolar turned into weekly rapid cycling that went on for over a month. I felt like I was being punished, and wasn’t it enough that I’d lost my family and have been dealing with depression and bipolar and ptsd and eating disorders and cluster headaches and etc and etc for 25 years…and Now I finally have a good life with a great husband and kids, and I was feeling good and then Bam! Rapid cycling almost killed me bc I couldn’t escape it and it felt as if it wouldn’t end! I can’t enjoy my life bc my brain is sick. I don’t understand. I feel better now, and I’m trying to pray and figure it out. Good luck to you, and please don’t give up. Sorry I went on for so long!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for your comment. For me, comments are never ‘too long’ 🙂 I’m also a rapid cycler and have an eating disorder. Yes, I’m confused with god. And suspicious. From what I’ve learnt, the bible has been rewritten so many times its become heresay. So I don’t quite know which path I will follow yet

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      3. Oh not at all. Don’t worry about delay. I’m still trying to overcome my guilty feelings for inconsistent blogging. But between work and daily living as a bipolar, keeping up with blogging is quite challenging. No rush. Whenever you have the time 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Pieces! This post made me tear up. I’m so sorry you lost your mother at such a young age, and to suicide!! And I’m sorry and sad that you’re struggling with those thoughts. I’m sending you my love & healing thoughts. Peaches & Herb send their love too ❤️❤️❤️🐦

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  4. I’m so sorry about your Mother, Pieces.

    As far as the rest of your post, believe me, I understand. Please reach out if that passive train stops and active ideation steps off. Love you to pieces, Pieces. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thanks Leslie. Yes, you talk about it often and while writing this I thought to myself – Leslie will get this. I’m no where near carrying out the scenario. Am in more of a philosophical state. But its pervasive. I just can’t stop thinking about it and mulling thoughts over and over again. Its logic driven with emotion attached to the actual act. Thank you for your love. And I love you too xx ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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