What lies beyond fear

I’m 44 years old. The only thing that’s stopped me from committing suicide is the fear of the unknown. No one has come back from the dead to tell me what lies beyond. What punishment, if any, lies in wait.

On the other hand, it is fear of the unknown that prevents me from living. And I mean really living, not just existing. Embracing life. Instead, I seclude myself from the world and all participation in its activities. Because I don’t know what will happen next. I can’t predict the outcome. The result of my action. And that scares me. It frightens me to the point that I don’t engage in life. Except for the bare necessities of the daily grind. And then I am left alone. With my thoughts of living and not actually living, and dying and not actually dying.

Fear of the unknown. Such irony. It stops me from killing myself as much as it stops me from living. So what lies beyond this fear? Life. Or death?

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15 comments

  1. You described my life right now perfectly. I’m not religious so I don’t know where that would leave me. If I was religious I’ve done things that would put me in a place where I wouldn’t see my mom so it’s scary. Is it just dark nothingness? I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this anymore either. In a constant state of hopelessness and grief. Tired all the time and not leaving my house, isolated with little to no human contact and knowing my own twin doesn’t even want to be around me hurts so much it’s hard to breathe.

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  2. Girlfriend
    I miss you by the way. You have come so far in the past year and you’ll not see it until long down the road. Think logical, not emotional for a minute. First you’ve been fucked over by everyman you’ve dated and lived in a long term marriage for the same reason. You have to see that as a base fact. As we try to move forward all we know are the same type of guys who keep breaking our heart. Sounds like a low dose anxiety med and a Therapist might help. I went thru this when younger, my family were hillbillies and I wanted out of that hole so bad. You can’t move on till you walk on shit way out of your box until you like it. You get comfortable with yourself. You learn and explore places unknown to you where a different set of people you don’t know hang out. I took an Art class, scared to death, I didn’t go to college and I’m taking Art at an Ivy League School. My love for art sent me of quest to learn about painters or the times lived in. My confidence was building but still nothing but loser. I took classes a local college, joined a wine tasting group, and starting dreaming about all the things I could do without a man. My husband turned out to be a customer and we ere married 13 years. I remember how low, dragging in the dirt, clueless what to do next after your divorce. Our illness doesn’t go away no matter how many times we’ve cursed it. You’ve learned tools to get this far, time to kick up your learning with new skills to spot the short term loser.
    You are worth more, EVERYDAY!
    Luv ya
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you M ❤ You're right about the 'base fact'. You were much braver than me doing all that stuff on your own. Everything scares me and I rarely leave the home on the weekends. I'll give learning another go. An interesting term I've come across in a few blogs is "radical acceptance". I need to follow up on that concept, that tool. Love you too my friend xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re the Warrior!!!!!! Huge step and it’s free and pays back in hugs & purrs. Great idea. Are you writing a post on? Maybe include some ideas that have come to mind. I would love to read and reblog. We need to share the success.
        Go Girl!
        M

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  3. Hey Pieces, I just want to say how much I appreciate your friendship. Whether or not your fears are crippling you in your quest to live or die is not of my concern. I can’t help you in that because I can’t help myself with the same struggles. I am too much of a coward to venture into the unknown of suicide and I am too hemmed in by fear of jumping into the fire of life with reckless abandon. But I will tell you this, you ARE living. Each and every time you share your experiences with us you are engaging in the process of this life. Each drop, no matter how tiny, makes a ripple in the water. Keep doing what you are doing. It is changing lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Eric you have an ability to encourage in the most beautiful of ways. That makes a lot of sense – as long as I’m engaging and sharing, I’m taking part in life. Which means I’m living. The tiniest drop makes a ripple. Thanks…. you’ve made me feel better 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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