A sorry state of affairs

I’d been dating The Good Guy for a few months before introducing him here on my blog. Laura P. Shulman shared an insightful observation which I never forgot. Her honest words made me observant and helped guide me through the confusion of the conclusion that he really was a Trojan Horse. An alcohol-swilling, shamelessly-lying wolf in sheep’s clothing. A Good Guy gone bad.

Since ditching the lying, drinking Good Guy, I’ve existed on a diet of undereating and oversleeping. Trying to deny deep yearnings to contact him, I’ve plied my mind with Pinterest quotes…..


But with the roar of co-dependency in my ears, I admit defeat. Good love, bad love, I want him back. I contacted him, tossing away my dignity, and begged like a wounded animal. I’m ashamed. I know I’ve made the wrong choice, but I can’t seem to escape the vicious cycle of settling for bad love just to avoid being alone. And its weird. As with the others, I don’t even want to physically be around him at all. Maybe once in a while would be nice. But I prefer my solitude. Prefer them, distant, on the periphery of my life. I just don’t understand myself at all.

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19 comments

  1. you are doing so well don’t beat yourself up. you have been really strong . all people I feel including myself have always been shit on our own . take it 1 bit at a time you have done nothing wrong sending hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes it is, ‘should I, should I not’, then it repeats and repeats. You make a decision, then realize later it wasn’t a good idea. The thing is you would always be wondering and even though you tried it, so what. You’re a survivor, and I’m proud of you. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh boy do I understand where you’re coming from. I have so been there, when I was young. But, Laura is full of wisdom. Sometimes we can’t tell who our good guy is from the bad, sadly that’s the story of my life. Sending you support and hugs!❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve learned that we tend to go back to the pain we know because its comfortable. It’s known. You’ve been there, done that. It’s the unknown, the healthy, the better choice in the long run that is scary as shit. I raise my cup of tea to that kind of pain nowdays, I hope you can learn to embrace it too… You did the right thing kicking that dude to the curb!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Damnit, fucker. I am so sorry he turned out to be a shit. Truly, so sorry. I don’t have any insight worth a damn, just wanted to say how disappointed I am for you to experience this nonsense with him. I do wish you didn’t have to be saddled down with shame for calling him. I feel like shame never lives where it should. You were honest with him about who you are and he did not reciprocate that honesty. You were brave, and I hope you continue to be brave.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am just coming out of EXACTLY the same sort of situation. I was with a ‘nice guy’ who made me feel utterly worthless, yet when the relationship ended I was bereft. Its taken me a good month and a half to get over it, as even though he made me miserable a lot of the time I didn’t like the thought of not being with him. I’ve had plenty of time to think and I finally see him for what he is – a cowardly egotistical introverted narcissist who used me to satiate his own desires. He knew all about my diagnosis and presented himself as being so kind and understanding, yet he wanted to have complete control over the relationship. I realise now that I was nothing more than a fantasy to him, and once he found he could no longer control me he left and proceeded to give me the silent treatment with no opportunity for closure. It’s hard, but things will get better. We both deserve much better.

    Liked by 1 person

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