Let me be me

Coping with bipolar at work is difficult. Rage, memory loss, fatigue and tears are my downfall in others’ eyes. Because I have a problem with rage I try to not talk at all. I’ve had many complaints and sat in the manager’s office far too often. So, if my mouth is closed maybe nothing will slip out. I won’t have the chance to offend or confuse. If I want to stay out of trouble, if I want to keep my job, I need to keep my mouth shut.

Keep your mouth shut

Keep your mouth shut

Keep your mouth shut

… is my daily mantra to avoid exhibitions of rage.

Crying is seen as a ‘weakness’ so I cannot let the tears slip out. I cannot go to the bathroom and cry. The reaction to red eyes and nose would draw a collective eye-rolling and I’m ignored for the remainder of the day. So I lock the sorrow in my throat, where it seeps and brews until the drive home. I often wonder what other drivers must think of me, sobbing and snivelling in peak hour traffic.

Memory loss is humiliating and costly. I make big mistakes that result in financial loss. It could one day cost me my job. I have to keep a diary of my day to day, minute by minute work output, not only to cover my back, but to act as a reminder of what I have and haven’t done. I have a checklist taped to my desk, ticking off the tasks one by one. There is also a white board to one side. This white board is a graphic representation of my check list. I have to draw pictures, like a child, of the elements of my workload. And I have to tick off this check ‘list’ too. Despite all this, I still forget. Then I want to cry. But I can’t. Then I feel angry, but I can’t afford to.

I live in constant fear of losing my job, suppressing every emotion along the way. Constant restraint. It’s exhausting. Not a comfortable way to spend 8 hours daily. Its not healthy either. But I have bipolar and this is how I have to behave at work in order to keep my job to keep a roof over my head, a medical aid, medications, and a full tummy. I wish I could be myself. Just for a while. With no apologies. Just for a while.

-3 Doors Down (Let Me Be Myself)

Advertisements

15 comments

  1. This sounds oh so familiar… I’m not able to work anymore so am free to be/feel pretty much whenever and whatever I want and it has been such a relief. I remember the feeling of anxiety building as I got closer to work. It’s so hard to have to hide our reality, we shouldn’t have to… Hoping for peace for you

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sending you hugs sweetie, it is exhausting holding in all of our emotions and feelings. This is me Ava I have a new blog and name since my other iPad gave out. I’ve missed all my friends while I was gone. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Impressive skills, it’s funny how we find creative ways to cope. The fact yoy have to cope is horrible and wish you were able to just be you.
    The world you’ve created at work sounds like a good step at maintaining control. I’m glad you have something like this to help… but I’d rather you didn’t have to.
    Just remember despite it all you’re quite the remarkable one!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its funny you should say that. In all my reading and watching youtube doccies I’ve sometimes wondered the same thing. So you’re not crazy. I’m interested to know what makes you think that. I’m really keen to know. I see my doc in 3 weeks and will bring it up with him. If you could give me your insight I can bring it up with him.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s easy to be misdiagnosed with either Bipolar II or BPD, as they’re closely related. I can’t really put it into words as much as I’d like but I’m going to try. Firstly, it’s just a feeling that I get when reading your posts. Like an internal feeling. And for example with your latest post, and I also think the previous one, you talk a lot about rage. And that’s a big one in BPD, it’s part of the diagnostic criteria. You seem very sensitive to emotions and any thing that feels stressful to you, and when you feel you can’t cope. Another post that you wrote, which I can’t remember much from, is your fear of a relationship, of trusting. Do you perhaps feel that the person will abandon you, leave you, and that contributes to the lack of trust? What I can do from now on is comment on a post and give you my feedback with regards to this. I know I probably didn’t help much, but it’s a start. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Rayne, thank you so much. Of course you’ve helped!! πŸ™‚ Your insights are valuable to me. You’ve hit on some big points there. I’m eager to my doc (just checked its next week) and will definitely let you know what he says. Its always such a gift to get someone else’s perspective, feedback. I really do appreciate it, and you, very much. I’ll keep you posted πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s