I have a interpersonal relationship dilemma. How’s that for depersonalization. I met a guy (yay). A good guy (incredulous). The problem? Um, he’s a good guy and I don’t know how to deal with this. My life programming has been all like – Calling all narcissists. All narcissists, abusers, addicts, assholes, welcome, all aboard, I’m waiting in anticipation for you to break me….. But him? Good? Nuh uh. Dunno. I’m more comfortable with the adrenaline-pulsed, failure-fueled survival of co-dependency.
It seems now that I have boundaries, roles have been reversed. He is eager to please me – respecting my need for solitude, accommodating my mood swings, my sleep routine, overstimulation, the various physical ailments and embarrassments that come with new medications, the subsequent loss of sex drive. Sex drive. Ha. Once abundant, now the mere thought of it makes me wish I had narcolepsy. He actively seeks to learn about bipolar in a genuine attempt to understand. And get this… he’s even started his own blog so that we can blog together. Talk about romance. But, but, this is all wrong. Where are my threats, ultimatums, arguments. My role has been usurped and I don’t know how this works.
I second guess everything. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely this is too good to be true? Is he manipulating me? Is he lying? Is he telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Why did he do that? Why did he say that? I over analyze ev.er.y.th.ing. And by the time I’ve pick through all scenarios? I’m horrendously suspicious and enormously exhausted. But if I’m to be honest? He really is just a Good Guy.
I would say I don’t deserve him. None of this is his normal. I feel so guilty because he accommodates my every quirk without complaint. I instinctively push him away, but he always pushes back. Ever reassuring, encouraging. Never gives up. Isn’t this what I’ve dreamed of all my life? Yet in my head I’m constantly breaking up with him, when in reality I don’t want to lose him. The irony is he almost qualified as a psychologist until a near fatal accident changed his life. So you could say I’m putting his education to the test. I’m the best case study he’ll ever encounter!
So here’s to the Good Guy. Long may it last.