The Hospital Chronicles – Part 4

Values are invaluable

I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy. This is a documentation of all that I learned.

Codependency is also referred to as the Love Deficit Disorder. A broad definition is this: I can only love myself when I’m making someone else happy. I have no boundaries due to fear of abandonment and loneliness. But the real dysfunction occurs when I perpetuate the cycle of abandonment by choosing people who are abandoners. On a subconsciously level this abandoned state has become my normal, my comfort zone becaue it’s all I’ve ever known. But its time to break this dysfunctional pattern of behaviour.

This year I have learned about codependency and relationships. I’ve always been driven by a desperate need to be wanted. So if a person crossed my path and wanted me, that was the only criteria required to enter the inner sanctum of my life. I would invest the full intensity of my bipolar energy into being the person that would make them happy and ‘want to keep me’.

So we’ve established I’m lonely and its putting my health at risk. My doc has given me permission to enjoy the company of men without forcing it to become a deep and meaningful relationship. I grew excited at the opportunity of dating again. But when I attended one of the group therapy sessions about personal value systems, I learned *shocker* that I have none. No core fundamental beliefs that drive my decision-making. But how could I if I’m constantly changing who I am in order to please people. To, by default, live their life and not my own.

The beauty is, I’m learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace, Set myself free
Today, I don’t have to fall apart
I don’t have to let the damage consume me,
-Blue October (Fear)

I can have all the permission in the world to mingle, but until I discover and develop my own value system, I will perpetuate the cycle of choosing abandoners. Before I start dating, I need to build up an arsenal of key values to live by. If you’re looking for me I’m over at Youtube or Google learning the shit outta values and self love.

 

 

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12 comments

  1. 1. Being admitted. — Scary.
    2. Love Deficit Disorder — Lonely
    3. No Value System — Empty

    You are stronger than I would ever be. I don’t trust hospitals and am always afraid that they will lock me away and toss the key. It is one of my biggest fears.

    Lonely – There is a strength in this “disorder” = being able to act like a chameleon and change your spots for the whims of another person is brave and strong. You have to have a strong sense of your self to be able to let go of your self all the time. There must be a level of comfort there.

    Wow! No value system – that one is odd. How can you not have a value system? I think they are trying to shape you into what they want. I have no value system to speak of. I live by my core – treat everybody with respect and love and in the end they will like you. That is not true, of course. But, beyond that I have no values to exact from people. I find the whole thing teetering on being judgmental. Or am I being simplistic?

    Work on that thing where you want people to want you. On trying to make people happy. I think that progress can be made there and that it will help you to make progress with the other issues. I think you would soon gain a confidence to stand on your own and like who you are – alone. Once you can do that, being with people becomes a breeze.

    One last thing….you closed off the post with Blue October’s “Fear”. Fear is an action emotion. It comes when you need to take action. Whether it’s “flight or fight” or some other thing that needs to be addressed, I think you’ll find that when you come out on the other end of the Fear “tunnel” you will be surprised at how timid it has become. And then you can go conquer the next big “thing.”

    Thanks for sharing, PoB. Never give up. Never quit.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really like your perspective on things! I have no values because I lived life according to other people’s values. I also had an abusive marriage which was isolating and stripped me of my identity. I left with no voice or foundation.Thank you for your input 🙂

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      1. I’m sad that your marriage didn’t work out for you. Don’t give up. There are lots of tender souls out there looking for a girl like you. Whatever you do don’t jump in with both feet until you’re ready to swim in the deep end.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It is always tough to critically self assess. I think it sounds like you are going through some very healthy (admittedly painful) self awareness. Keep it up, don’t be so tough on yourself and don’t forget to love yourself and enjoy life along the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is really interesting. I’ve been in hospital about 3 times when I was in my early twenties. I was fortunate enough to find a healthy woman that loved me for me – and through that I learned all about my childhood. My Mum was co-dependent and my Dad was an abandoner – I was pretty much fucked. Hah. It did help me come to terms with my state of mind and move on from it though!

    Liked by 1 person

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