The Hospital Chronicles – Part 2

I am suicidal but I don’t want to die. Quite the opposite. I want to live a full and productive life. So I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy. This is a documentation of all that I learned.

Alone is not my normal, it’s a trigger

A few weeks ago I had a life changing session with my doc and I walked away with the revelation of ‘normal is relative‘. One of the other topics addressed was my debilitating sense of ‘aloneness’ – a sense that I stand alone in this world, unwanted and invisible. This has been a hot topic in each session I have had with him. We explored it some more yesterday in hospital.

This was his perspective:

As human beings we are born to be social. From the time of cavemen, we have relished sitting around the fire exchanging stories, interacting, eating til our belly pops, loving, fighting, brawling, hunting, pairing off, having sex, reproducing, nurturing, laughing, crying, roaring with anger. I am not weak because I want a companion. For most of us, wanting a companion is ‘normal‘. If I had an extended family unit, a large circle of friends, were a social personality type or had a pet, I would not be as devastated by this ‘aloneness’ as I am. My only human interaction is the limited amount I allow myself at work, and interaction with my blogging friends. Too much time alone. Too much time for thoughts. I need to be channeling this energy into social interaction as one would channel water into a growing plant so that it may grow and thrive. I need human distraction so my thoughts don’t consume me. This has nothing to do with bipolar. Its based on my personality type.

But for every rule there is an exception. There are the extraordinary beings that live a thriving life completely alone and content. But that’s not how I’m built. I need someone. And needing is different to being needy. And needing someone to share in my life is not weak. For me its natural and normal.

We ended the session with him saying – This year, I’ve known all along your diagnosis is loneliness. Your loneliness is causing you great suffering and its become one of your triggers. Talk about ‘food for thought’. It’s more like a banquet of food for thought. An eat-as-much-as-you-like-buffet food for thought!

 

 

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16 comments

  1. I think this is why my parents ride my ass about not being social. I don’t go out and visit people. I don’t go out and chill anywhere. Most of the time, I simply do not feel the need for it. In fact, most of the time the mere idea of it is appalling to me. Once in a while I get the urge to get out and see peeps and I’m quickly reminded as to why I don’t like it. Honestly before having children I enjoyed getting out more often. Now I feel my ability to cope socially is tapped out more often than not.

    But this doesn’t make other people needy or greedy. My youngest son is highly social. @_@ Exact opposite of me. The boy is in constant need of interaction with others and I’m always worried that I’m not giving enough. We truly live in the boonies out here so it’s not like I can just take him out to the local playground and set him loose. There simply isn’t one. Well… not unless I wanted to drive an hour and hope there are children there when we arrive. Ultimately this is why I chose not to homeschool him when I chose to homeschool my oldest.

    And that’s what brings me to my point here. It’s really good that you are able to identify a need of yours. Now that you have you can start finding ways to meet that need. Start with just little steps. And yes, I’m sure you might make mistakes in the beginning – I mean who doesn’t? I know I stepped on quite a few toes in the beginning when I started carving out more time alone for myself. But it was time I NEEDED. I was tired of the constant expectation of being social all the time. I can’t do it and it makes me ill. So it’s about finding the right balance and the right friends that understand what it is you really need.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I hate the expectations. Its exhausting never measuring up, isn’t it? I’m not a social person, but am far too isolated. I made friends with 4 other women in hospital. We have turned our friendship into a support group. We have a group chat on whatsapp and can reach out for support immediately. I’m nervous to venture out. But on of the ladies is so compassionate and has told me – baby step, no pressure. So all in this hospitalization has been a resounding success, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s so awesome! I’m terrified of hospitals to be honest so hearing this is really good. I still hope I never have to go to one BUT if I ever need to I hope I have a positive experience like this.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I went to the same hospital this time last year. But I was put in lock up suicide watch. I was awful. That’s why I didn’t want to go back. But this time I was in a ‘normal’ ward, and to be honest, I didn’t really want to leave. You can rest without any responsibility. The day is structured and full of activities (you don’t have to join if you don’t want to). I made the most of it. Its been life changing

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  2. Good for you ! There is a huge gap between needy and needing. Two half people do not make a one whole person. You are all you will ever need. Find someone you want. Plus, they still have to get by me first. HA!! Tell those guys out there that you have a crazy uncle who is from Louisiana where we know how to make people disappear

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ‘ You are all you will ever need’- I love that, Marshall. ‘Find someone you want’ Suddenly that resonates with me. THANK YOU! I’ve been try to find someone who ‘wants me’. I need to turn the tables – what do I want? I feel empowered =D =D =D
      I will indeed lololol. Some backup lolol

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  3. Sounds like this hospital and this doctor are doing wonders for you. That’s all you can ever hope for.

    One question: Why? Why don’t you allow yourself more interaction with people? Is it because of the susceptibility to being hurt or of them not meeting your expectations?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My doc is the kindest man I know. Okay:
      1. I’m an only child of a dysfunctional marriage and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother. Spent almost all my time alone as a child. Its how I grew up.

      2. I am introvert by nature and prefer being alone. But as is the case now, I’m spending too much time alone and its destabalizing .

      3. An abusive marriage that was isolating. As a child, and as an adult, I’ve adapted to being alone, I’m so used to it, it’s become my comfort zone.

      4. Then there’s bipolar. I know I’m unreliable, inconsistent, too intense. My mood swings make me ashamed of my behaviour’; I feel insecure, with a chronic lack of confidence. Fear of causing disappointment and rejected. All too aware that I live in an altered perception than ordinary folks. Being misunderstood and feeling alienated. A pressure to perform/adapt to what others find acceptable and then rejection because I never add up. Medication side effects don’t help – people always pointing out – why are your hands shaking so much?? Its just exhausting to be honest.

      I have disappointed so many people, and been disappointed by so many people. As lonely as I am, I sometimes don’t feel the risk is worth it

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      1. I totally understand your position. Being alone is safe. It is comforting in that we can control our environment and be free to behave however we feel at any moment. And people letting us down. It’s because they don’t understand and never will. How could they? Unless you live it, you can’t fully grasp it. I pray that you will one day lose the self-depricating putd-downs. You are a warrior. Sure, sometimes we fail to hit the target but we are always willing to aim high. I thought I was the only one with hand-shaking issues. My meds have altered my life so drastically it is not funny. “As lonely as I am” — do you have any pets? Could you have any pets? The joy of being a pet owner (as I rememb er) is that the animal loves you unconditionally. And, they genuinely “need” you. It’s a very rewarding relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. “self-depricating putd-downs” – I rather make fun of myself than anyone else does first… Thanks for your compliment, it means a lot! When I left my husband my dream was to have an animal. I’m a great animal lover and had to leave mine behind. I’m not allowed a pet where I live, and affordability is not possible for me. So my dreams have been dashed. I’m such a softy, I can bare to volunteer at a shelter with a euthanasia policy. I’m still trying to figure this hurdle out

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      3. I’m am also an animal lover who is stimied by the situation I find myself in. We are not allowed animals in our apartment – not even goldfish! So my love has to get fulfilled in some other way – I like Facebook for that. There are always plenty of animal pics and videos to entertain me. I haven’t thought about volunteering at a shelter for many years now. The closest one to us is almost twenty minutes away and I am not sure I could handle the euthinasia either. I once had to take a friends dog in because she couldn’t bear it and it messed me up – the dog did not “go to sleep” on the fitst try and I had to endure that whole experience. Not a fan.
        So, you said nothing of your Bipolar, so I am assuming that lately you’ve been “good”. I have struggled with the depression cycle of late. It’s not been fun. But, it is what it is. We get to experience life at heights normal people do drugs to attain and we reach the lowest depths that anybody could reach and we still survive. So I think we are pretty amazing people.

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    2. Oh forgot! I don’t allow myself much interaction at work. I am open about my diagnosis. While some are fantastic, there are others who are judgmental in a way that has a negative consequence for both my job and my stability. If I don’t talk at work, I shouldn’t get into any trouble

      Liked by 1 person

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