The Hospital Chronicles – Part 1

I am not a Specialized Psychiatrist

I am suicidal but I don’t want to die. Quite the opposite. I want to live a full and productive life. So I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve had my medication adjusted, an addition to my diagnosis and received some invaluable therapy. This is a documentation of all that I learned.

I look back on the past 12 months since my last hospitalisation and reaslise all I’ve been doing is a stop-drop-and-roll from one crisis to the next with no real stability inbetween. If its not triggers, then its been life events that have embedded me in the rolling cycles of bipolar. From hypomania into the trenches of suicidal ideation, depression, insomnia, agitation. Roaming through a cluttered mind of twisted paths that lead no where. Circling and recycling the symptoms until I feel like I’m going insane.

My doc wanted me in hospital in March, then September, and then in early December. Each time I refused. I’m hard-headed. I want to do things myself. I don’t like asking for help. In my head I think its weak, but in my heart I know its needed; that asking for help is actually a brave step. Eventually I got to a point where I was just too tired. Too tired to try anymore strategies, skill sets, motivation, coaching, rewarding, routine, writing notes, keeping reminders, setting timers. Tired of forcing myself through life. So I made the decision to phone my doc and hand the control over to him. I had to accept that he’s the professional, not me. And I needed professional help.

I always like to think I know my own mind and body, so I know what’s best for me. But sometimes I don’t. Especially when I’m unstable. If I had listened to my doc in March, and not tried to micro-manage my health, perhaps I would not have spent such a long time suffering. I’ve lost a lot of time in the name of stubbornness, don’t make the same mistake as me.

 

 

 

 

 

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20 comments

  1. “Tired of forcing myself through life.” That really resonates with me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being stubborn. I like being stubborn. But, I also like being right. And you were right to finally listen to yourself and know that you needed more help. See, we can be both stubborn and right. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sometimes though we need to learn the hard way so we can appreciate and value the gains we make to a greater degree. Our souls burn with flames and howl with winds like no other. Sometimes, sadly, we just need to feel it and allow ourselves to be ourselves. But what do I know? I’m struggling with being stable too. 😉

    All things considered though, I think you did a pretty damn good job holding it together on your own up to this point. You came this far. On your own two feet. And you’re still alive. There’s no shame in that. ❤ So hold your head high with pride while you get that well deserved rest. Get well and we'll be here for you, waiting. 🙂

    Much love and light to you. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree with you – allow ourselves to be ourselves. Sometimes when I’m hypomanic/depressed, I just throw myself into the experience. We can’t force ourselves to be agreeable all the time. ‘Our souls burn with flames and howl with winds like no other’ I just love that description, Toadie. Thanks for your support. Very encouraging ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m reaching a point in my life right now where I’m really tired of people telling me how I feel. My feelings are not wrong. There is nothing ever wrong with how I feel. Never. It’s the behavior and what I choose to do with my feelings that needs to be addressed but never my feelings that needs to be changed or censored. I’m really feeling strongly about that. This is who and what I am. No amount of medication is ever going to change that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re right. There isn’t anything wrong with your feelings and don’t let them convince you otherwise. Your emotions are equally important as anyone elses. Its fear and ignorance that brings discomfort to others. At least you’re in touch with your emotions, rather than repressing them ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Stubborn is a hallmark of bipolar. We are the last to recognize/admit that something is wrong. I’m glad you were able to have this opportunity to and ability to seek help. It is not always possible or available (here in Canada where we have universal health care, accessing mental health services is a challenge). Best wishes for you as you move forward. Look after yourself. You are worth it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can not relate more to this. It’s a constant struggle. Things get overwhelming and sometimes it’s nice to take a rest in the hospital but at the same time you want to be out in the world and be doing things. I’m in the same exact boat and know you’re not alone!! You’re going to get through this, just like you’ve gotten through everything else in the past. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My friend, I’m sorry to hear that your go of it has been less than decent. I’m hoping that things pick up here soon! I remember you commenting on my about page a while back and indicating that you were going to begin searching spiritually. How is that going, if you don’t mind my asking? I hope that you find Jesus as He is: full of hope, spiritual rest, and unconditional love.

    Much love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your encouragement, Matthew. Yes I’m slowly exploring what’s out there. Unfortunately the pain from sciatica has literally crippled me. So I’m relatively house bound when I’m at home. There’s a local church that is young and vibrant – so I’ve been told. I’m meeting a co-worker for coffee to find out about her spiritual path. I wish Jesus could help me. I have a mental block with christianity since my mother’s suicide more than 20 years ago. I would like to go back to that faith, but don’t trust it. The church let my mother down and I’m angry. I know not all churches are alike. Its more than the church. I don’t want to be, but I’m angry at god for how she suffered, what I go through, how I was born. I would love to hand everything over to god. It would be peaceful. But I’m sceptical. Thank you for remembering, and asking. I appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I certainly understand the pain and mistrust of the church. Being a pastor’s kid has opened many doors of pain in my life. It’s only been by God’s love for me that Ive been able to get past it. I say that to say youre not alone. I encourage you to approach it with an open mind. Christians are far from perfect and sometimes other people’s mistakes and failures are the tool Satan uses to keep us from seeing God. He’s perfect and loves you even if his followers dont always reflect that. 🙂 feel free to email me at confessionsmalin@gmail.com with any and all questions you may have. Dont feel pressured to. I wont expect anything but am open to being honest and having conversations that may help you on your way. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Ohh fuck. I’m sorry life is such shit sometimes. I’m SO glad you’re getting help, so glad you don’t want to die, and I hope things turn better for you. And for me too. I’m NOT suicidal, but I am depressed. The universe fucker works overtime sometimes, and it seems like he’s been working triple-shifts this whole year. I had a short few months ALMOST out of depression, but like you, life events keep pushing my ass, and my attitude, back into the dark pits. We need each other, to take care of each other and encourage each other. I’m also glad you’re writing since it helps first to vent, and second to see our amazing community rally around you. When I was at the lowest points of the year, I found out who my friends really are, and one is you. Thank you for staying with us. Thank you for staying with me. I’m sorry for not being as supportive as I maybe should be able to be. I try, when I can, and it’s enough or not enough, and all I can do is apologize for not having the energy resources. I hope it works out right for you, and if not I hope you find the strength to endure and tell the universe fucker what needs to be said. Realistically, it’s not going to listen, but I wish it would and I wish it would cry all the way back to the hell it came out of. And take depression and bipolar and mental illness back with it. May God grant you only blessings: love, strength, courage, endurance, a measure of peace and happiness, and resources.

    Deon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Deon. I’m sorry to hear depression got you by the ankles and dragged you down again. Life really can be a Fucker. I know! I’m amazed and grateful for all the support. It help me feel less insane. I’m so pleased you think of me as your friend. The sentiment is returned. I’m happy to have met you on WordPress. You have nothing to apologize for. We all do what we can. We’ve all got busy lives that interfere with blogging 🙂 Of course your support is enough. Please don’t ever think its not. Its truly treasured ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahaha – so I’ve done this all backwards, from 4 to 1 and what I see in each post is your STRENGTH. As painful as this last 12 months has been for you, your strength has carried you all the way. And now, you rest. Maybe you could set up a schedule with your doctor to have a respite in the hospital every twelve months? I could be a time of recharging, reevaluating, and relaxing.

    One of the benefits of micro-managing your situation? Knowledge. You now know so much more about yourself than you did before. You have walked through more fires and come out a little burned, so you know how to recognize those fires in the future and can avoid them.

    I admire you. You are brave and strong in the face of a debilitating illness. You give me hope and you set an example. There is sunshine after the storms.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s actually a very good idea, Eric. Strangely I was thinking the exact same thing. Rest + therapy and education. I’m going to consider adding that suggestion to my coping skills toolbox. Thanks for the lovely compliment. But I can’t glow in the glory without saying I never would have survived this past year without the support, interaction, inspiration and encouragement of my fellow bloggers. Yes, there is sunshine after the burning fires of the night

      Liked by 3 people

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