Ho Hummmm

I’ve had a rough week. I couldn’t log into WordPress. I began a meltdown but managed to talk myself out of my emotional mind and into my rational mind (new skill I learned from a fellow blogger). So I dragged my laptop into work the clever IT guys got it working. Some security… firewall….. coding…. blah, blah, blah, thingy-majiggy. I’m clueless, but grateful they got my baby up and running again.

Pain has beaten me this week. I categorise my sciatica as –

-painful

-almost unbearable

-unbearable

-screaming

Last week was screammmmmmming. I even left work at lunchtime on Tuesday because I just COULD. NOT. SIT. ANY. LONGERRRRRR. I stayed in bed the whole weekend. Today…. its painful. So that’s good.

My depression has settled into that apathetic, couldn’t-give-a-fuck, ho-hum, miserable human being type of drowning. Think of this depression as quicksand and I’m sucked in it, I can’t move, I stop fighting, just exist. You can’t fight quick sand. So, resigned, I sit. In that mud. Ho-hummm. No more thoughts of suicide. Ironically, this is not a good sign. It means the depression has stepped to a lower level , lacking the impetus to actually commit the act. Suicide is only a real threat going into or coming out of depression. Both stages contain the energy this embedded depression doesn’t have – the energy to follow through. Thank god I don’t give a shit anymore ‘cos I’m enjoying not wanting to die.

I scribble little notes everywhere and leave them ‘for later’. A concept, an idea, a two line rhyme that floats through my mind. I want to catch it before it becomes forgotten, so notes, notes, notes everywhere. I discovered this one under a wooden chest while cleaning. The wind must have blown it there. I see it’s been a multi-purpose note – a short rhyme, a bit of a shopping list, a coffee coaster……

sometimes it high, sometimes its low, you never really now, which way it will go

sometimes it high, sometimes its low, you never really now, which way it will go

 

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. Ah true story that. I know it well…I’m so sorry for your pain and this place you’re in. I found that when I get to that lvl of depression if I focus my thoughts outward (on others and their problems) it helps a lot. Basically I will refuse to think about me and how I feel. I have to keep reminding myself to do it (depression is sneaky) but it helps.
    PS I also leave notes and stuff everywhere lol. It’s cool to find them later (:
    I’m here for you. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you got your laptop fixed, I was offline for 5 days and felt so out of touch. I hope the depression let’s up for you, and I’m sure the pain does not help you at all. I deal with both too, and I’m sending you hugs and good wishes for much better days.

    Liked by 1 person

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s