I’ve had a rough week. I couldn’t log into WordPress. I began a meltdown but managed to talk myself out of my emotional mind and into my rational mind (new skill I learned from a fellow blogger). So I dragged my laptop into work the clever IT guys got it working. Some security… firewall….. coding…. blah, blah, blah, thingy-majiggy. I’m clueless, but grateful they got my baby up and running again.
Pain has beaten me this week. I categorise my sciatica as –
Last week was screammmmmmming. I even left work at lunchtime on Tuesday because I just COULD. NOT. SIT. ANY. LONGERRRRRR. I stayed in bed the whole weekend. Today…. its painful. So that’s good.
My depression has settled into that apathetic, couldn’t-give-a-fuck, ho-hum, miserable human being type of drowning. Think of this depression as quicksand and I’m sucked in it, I can’t move, I stop fighting, just exist. You can’t fight quick sand. So, resigned, I sit. In that mud. Ho-hummm. No more thoughts of suicide. Ironically, this is not a good sign. It means the depression has stepped to a lower level , lacking the impetus to actually commit the act. Suicide is only a real threat going into or coming out of depression. Both stages contain the energy this embedded depression doesn’t have – the energy to follow through. Thank god I don’t give a shit anymore ‘cos I’m enjoying not wanting to die.
I scribble little notes everywhere and leave them ‘for later’. A concept, an idea, a two line rhyme that floats through my mind. I want to catch it before it becomes forgotten, so notes, notes, notes everywhere. I discovered this one under a wooden chest while cleaning. The wind must have blown it there. I see it’s been a multi-purpose note – a short rhyme, a bit of a shopping list, a coffee coaster……