Now this, is unstable

Since seeing my doc last week, I’ve been living high on the promise of ‘normal’ and a bright future. For once, I had a good, successful weekend. I was content. I began a bit of DIY. As much as sciatica would permit me. I even finally returned to my routine of cooking some precooked meals on Sunday. I haven’t done this since August. I’ve had insomnia/disturbed sleep for the past week. I stopped counting the hours I have slept days ago. But still, I was doing good. Today, also good. Engaging with people at work, telling jokes. But somewhere between 4.30pm and 5pm, the drive home, something changed and I felt the familiar weight of depression sink down on me. A simple thought triggered it. There was no fact to this thought. I acknowledge it is an assumption about my future. But I had it and the result was clear. But this is the alarming thing about the extremes of bipolar. I didn’t just stop at depression and dwell there. I high-dived from ‘good’ straight through depression and crash-landed into suicidal thoughts. I locked my front door and followed my familiar pattern (excluding last week), I went straight to bed. There are tv shows I enjoy and since enjoyment is vital, I set my alarm for 8pm. It was a struggled to get up. I struggled to eat something. Normally when I’m depressed I comfort eat. Before last week, though, I’ve been too depressed to eat. So its back. The loose-a-lot diet of depression. But weight loss is weight loss so who am I to complain. I just can’t believe how quick the change was. I mean, I do believe it because sometimes its exactly how it happens. But mostly its a slow decline. As much as I wanted to believe the whole ‘normal’ schpeel, I just don’t. I’m limited, I’m disabled, I’m deficient. I don’t believe I have much of a future. I’m sad beyond words. I’m tired. Moan, moan, self pity, moan. Let’s adopt some distraction *sigh*

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9 comments

  1. Let’s have a RantFest. It’s similar to a MusicFest, only with rants instead of music. Really, the Festival of Rants should take place during every holiday season. Christmas decorations everywhere, as if Santa threw up over everything. Everybody acting so cheerful, even if they don’t feel that way. (On the bright side, people are nicer during the holidays.)

    Let’s rant about sleep, that crazy little fucker. Once in awhile, I get a good 6 hours of sleep. But when I wake up from this luxury, I can barely move. Like this morning. Surely my body must be 120 years old. At least. For this year’s Festival of Rants, I am declaring sleep to be our number one enemy.

    “I’m limited, I’m disabled, I’m deficient. I don’t believe I have much of a future.”

    I’m limited. I’m disabled. And I’m deficient in a lot of things, like money. So, we’re the same. For me, the future is such a huge thing — it could mean a minute from now or 20 years from now. I could spend my time thinking about how much pain I’m going to be suffering from in the year 2026, or I could scale that thought way back and think about the next hour and the next day. Trying to find a balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. Between the things the pain will allow me to do and the things I will do regardless of the pain. It’s the benefit versus harm argument on a minute-by-minute basis.

    If you suffer from depression, you will suffer from the side effects of both the condition and the treatments, like spending a lot of time in bed. Thinking about suicide. But you are prepared for these side effects, just like I’m prepared for my pain storms. Seems to me that the best place to weather these storms is in the place you feel most comfortable, like a bed. 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My voice of reason…. You’ve reminded me its one day at a time, one hour at a time. Adjusting to living with this pain is something new. I feel limited because of bipolar and now even more so with sciatica. But this is my life now and I need to accept it, despite it…”benefit versus harm argument”. I love your logic. Especially about hiding in bed. I don’t feel so guilty now.

      Insomnia is my most hated symptoms of bipolar. So many hours to fill, doing stuff but nothing productive because my mind isn’t in working order.

      You are a treasure. You put so much thought, time, effort into participating in my life. If I lived close by I would bring you a gift (some bud)…. but I’m not. All I say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m gonna play this song every morning before I get out of bed because it makes me feel good, empowered ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you hugs and support, it stinks when it hits out of the blue so hard. Think of comfort, food, warm bath, blanket etc. do whatever makes you feel comfort. Try not to think about tomorrow but right now how wonderful you really are. You are a good friend to all of us here, so rant away sweetie I’m listening. 💓💓💓

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think they call that “switching.” I call it “flipping,” because just like a goddam pancake…..one minute it’s one side, the next it’s the other, with very little time on that precious balance point in between. Wish I had done words of encouragement. My own moods are terribly labile right now, so I’m not much help in the cheering section 😕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. How are things going with your bleeding gut? I hope there has been an improvement. Thank you for commenting despite your tricky moods. I really appreciate the effort involved in reading and then commenting. When you are tired like this, its a difficult thing to do ❤ Thank you for the term 'switching'. It makes perfect sense and really put my mind at ease. I'll cheer for the both of us 😉 we'll get there

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you sweetie. At the moment (fingers crossed) all’s quiet in gut-land.

        I really think the effort our online community puts into reading and commenting on each other’s posts is a wonderful kind of therapy. We support each other, and no one can understand us like we can. We’re all in this together!

        Sending you much love xxx❤

        Liked by 2 people

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