Good news! I’m normal

I had an intense session with my doc yesterday. Turns out I couldn’t have ECT because I have sciatica and the doc said even though a muscle relaxant is administered , there is “quite a lot of thrashing about”!! WTF? Had no idea it was that intense. I turned down hospitalization because the session was so productive with no massive change in my meds, so I didn’t see the necessity.

He sat with me for almost 2 hours, well into much of what I presume to have been his lunchtime. And he didn’t even charge me. I’ve said it before, he is one-of-a kind, a true healer. In a nutshell, right now, I’m not nuts! I’ve just been through an awful amount of shit for a very long time and my emotions have taken a beating. And since bipolar symptoms are rooted in one’s emotions, you could say there’s been an emotional overload and I’m short-circuiting…… and he said….

………….THAT’S NORMAL

There is a difference between being in a reactionary state because of life experiences, and being sick with bipolar. What I am experiencing right now is the result of being fucked up for a very long time, and the resulting upheaval of making changes. The fact that its knocked me to the degree that it has is normal because that’s how someone with bipolar will naturally react. Natural is normal and normal is relative. I can have bipolar yet be normal at the same time.

What a life changing revelation! My life is not doomed. This will pass. I will be free. There is possibility, not pointlessness. My circumstances will change. My solution need not be death….. just time. I’m sad because Life is an asshole, not because there’s something wrong with me. Which all means that I am going to be okay.

A lot went down in this session. I plan to process it all by blogging it out. Its going to be an emotional process, but no one said healing is painless. I never fail to be amazed by the power of words – kind/cruel; heal/break. No voltage, no medication. Someone with specialised knowledge took extra time to talk, advise, encourage, validate, explain, reassure. Words and kindness were my medicine.

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28 comments

  1. I LOVE this post, I have been thinking about you and reading along but not commenting but this post is beautiful. Your doctor sounds much like mine and she tells me that I am pretty normal too! It won’t be easy but you are getting through this. And yes, one person can only take so much stress without having a normal reaction!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is important to have that reminder that sometimes life really does suck and when we fall apart from that, it’s normal. My med clinic is always reminding me that it’s not healthy to hang on to the need to always be “super mom” and always have it together. Some days, I just need to cry and I need to allow myself to have those days. We all have the tendency to have a lot going on – if we think about it, often times we take on too much before we reach the breaking point of the normal reaction. Be it bad relationships, multiple projects, terrible jobs, hostile environments, etc. and I think it is because we are so used to the flux of emotions that we just adjust like a pressure cooker. But even a pressure cooker can only take so much and by that time it’s way too much.

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      1. We are! We struggle so hard for the image of “normal” without acknowledging that what we’re really striving for is the impossible image of perfection. Even “normal” people are guilty of that falling into that trap. And then one day we’re there and we find ourselves asking “what happened?” Since I’m new here I didn’t fully realize all that’s been going on. Not sure if I would have been more help if I had given all I’ve got going on but I do feel bad because your doctor IS right. 5 years of awfulness will mess everyone up and you will need time to recover from that. I think I need to take a cue from this and be on the alert of myself now that I’ve left that creepy apartment and soon I will need to file for divorce. -_- I haven’t given myself much time to process any of it yet. I imagine it will hit me like a ton of bricks here soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you take anything away from this, let it be to slow down, and reduce your expectations, lessen the demands you place on yourself. I find because I have bipolar I feel the need to be exceptional to ‘prove’ I’m good and capable, acceptable etc. Its an enormous amount of pressure. We need to work within the limits of our illness. Alter our expectations. Evaluate our progress and performance based on the confines of our illness. It doesn’t mean we can’t lead a full life, it means we live a different life, on our own terms, not on other’s expectations.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. I am so happy for you! I love how your doc spent so much time for you and free time, telling you he cares! You are so important and have gone through so much, you need the validation telling you no wonder you feel this way. But you are so strong to be able to have gone through it, you have turned a big corner and have so much Hope now. Big hugs!!!💝💝💝

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s tough when things suck to go immediately thinking “something is wrong with me,” or “Here’s depression again,” but it’s nice to be reminded that sometimes life really does suck and everyone else has to deal with it too.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes!! I went hunting and there was my profile pic. You’re so sweet, Marshall. Thanks for thinking of me. It always means a lot when someone gives their time to another. Ok, let’s see. Dog! My first guess would be… he can’t aim properly – obscured view ‘cos of his dark shades he even wear at night. Or it might be that he has previous convictions? Am I getting warmer?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Noooo! Can’t believe it! I’ve been googling him now. Funny enough, I’ve been watching old shows. Just this week, the tv station skipped two years worth of the show. Seeing the more current series – I don’t like it at all. Dog is barely in it. Beth is horrendous. So loud, rude, cruel, obnoxious. I really can’t stand her. Not only are the fugitives no longer given counsel, but Beth rips a new one into the people’s family. She’s disgusting. I always wondered why Duane Lee left. Now I know. I hope Judge Judy is still ‘real’ though. Don’t burst my bubble there… I love her lol !!

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