Monday. Tearful. What great sorrow as I stagnated once again in suicidal ideation. Then insomnia came and washed away the tears by triggering hypomania.
Today. Zero sleep last night. Hypomanic all day. I was a starburst of everything sparking – racing, repetitive thoughts consuming every ounce of time and head space. It inhibits work because I’m focused on this and then bouncing to that. Playing tag within my own mind. Having endless conversations in my head. I can’t focus on work. Can’t concentrate. Its exhausting.
Pure exuberance at the slightest thing. Everything out of proportion in an expansive way. Talking incessantly, laughing loudly. Sharing every tiny detail of something newly discovered with my co-workers – ohmygod you guys you never gonna believe this…. and I rattle off something about the splendor of a bumble bee, with the excitement of winning the lottery. People start giving me confused looks. Or pasting on polite smiles. But they love when I divulge secrets that should never make the light of day because of a lack of filters. Social boundaries be gone! I will tell you anything, you only need ask the question. Wait, don’t even bother asking. If it pops into my head, guaranteed it will pop outta my mouth. Talking unprompted and impromptu. My thoughts galloping so fast I can’t push the words out quickly enough. Pressured speech, talking faster and faster until I leave words and whole sentences out altogether.
Oh joy. And as the high’s spark begins to die, an agitation builds. Impatience born of exhaustion and a frustrated inability to keep up with my mind, my emotions. Constantly, always feel as if I’m falling behind, wasting time. Let me just do this, let me just do that, I’m never settled or at peace. I want to live. I want to die. Self-doubt, failed expectation, unreliability. I cringe at the thought of what secrets I’ve let loose at work today. What impression I’ve made. Because yesterday I was so, so very different than I am today. And I will most likely be so very different tomorrow, than I was today. Its humiliating. In hypomania I lay bare my confused, unstable mind for all to view with curiosity and ultimately judge.
Agony. I have no control. I cannot live within the confines of this illness much longer. I cannot chase life and force living. Thoughts polluting, brain sentencing. I want to be free. I want some peace. Tomorrow, I just have to wait until tomorrow to see my doc