The difference one day makes

On Monday my fascination with stop motion video was all consuming. I barely managed to get my work finished for all the you tube videos, websites and scrawled notes I was collecting for my storyboard. The fact I didn’t actually have a storyboard or a subject in mind was a minor detail.

My mind screamed as it took flight in all angles of progression with new ideas bursting to the surface. I WAS a stop motion video. I had BECOME a stop motion video. My projects were going to be born from brilliance. I could barely contain myself for the workday to be over so my new venture could begin.

Let’s add some perspective and step back one day.

On Sunday I wanted to kill myself. I planned. I wrote something brief. Life was, and still is, unmanageable. I would have taken the step had I not been so afraid. Afraid that the follow-through would not be completely successful, or that it would be unthinkably painful. The fears we all have while chasing the desire for death. So I packed the thought away for another rainy day. I cried like a Justin Timberlake song…. cry me a river and then went in search of my Big Girl Panties. But they were in the wash. Typical. Story of my life!

So there you have it. The splendor that is Rapid Cycling. It’s exhausting trying to keep up.

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12 comments

  1. Yep! I agree that rapid cycling is exhausting. It’s exhausting for us and those around us. Imo I feel like it makes us harder for people to take us seriously. Do you find that? That people don’t take you seriously because there’s constant shifts in what interests you or what you think about any given thing…

    Also, I didn’t know what stop-motion videos were and had to Google it ( thanks I learned something new). Would Peter Gabriel’s video for “Sledgehammer” be considered stop motion?

    Be well Pieces xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes that’s the kind of thing – Peter Garbiel. I didn’t even know what it was called. I had to ask one of the youngsters at work ‘you know that thing where you take pictures and animate them and make a short video’ Puzzled face. Me – you know like animation but its photo’s. Eventually she understood me and told me ‘stop motion’. Well, for the remainder of the day I kept referring it to SLOW MOTION. And she kept having to correct me!!! I do find people don’t take me seriously. I always fail to follow through so to them I’m unreliable and a wet blanket, saying yes, then two days later saying no. I’m too inconsistent, I confuse them, so I’m more often than not excluded in things. It’s one of the reasons I’ve chosen to become a recluse – no one to constantly disappoint. Its sad that they think its who we are, and don’t realise we are just sick and desperate want some allowances/compromises/an attempt to understand. Rapid cycling makes an already challenging life, even more complicated

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get you 100% on the unreliable bit. I’m pretty much a recluse too, except for the fact that I have to actually socialize with husband and children. I consider myself a ‘lone wolf’, and I used to feel sorry for myself about it and now I embrace it.
        I think there are huge benefits to not getting sucked into other people’s drama and having others assume that we’re interested in their drama. Might seem a little heartless or selfish but it’s a survival thing.
        When I’m alone I can control my emotions better. When you add people and their thoughts and emotions and assumptions about how one should live etc, well that’s when I happily retreat to my cave.
        I’m still always in awe that you are so functional and actually work. That’s a huge accomplishment. That’s how I see it anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks Jill. If I’m honest I barely hang on to be capable at work. I have huge anxiety about being fired and ending up on the streets. But for now I can do it and I try the best I can. I have to say, as much as I love being isolated, it does get quite lonely – just me, myself and I. But I’m also learning to embrace it. Other human drama’s are not my thing either. I haven’t forgotten about the monkey post I promised you. I’ll send you the link once I’ve done it… (unreliable????) =D

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  2. Glad you’re still with us, Pieces. Rapid cycling does suck, but sometimes I feel I’m better off. I know when I get deeply depressed that it will change soon. Whereas, if I wasn’t a rapid cycler I would have to live with depression for a longer time. Either way, the changes in mood are exhausting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Bradley. Yes there is the small window of reprieve when you hit an upswing. But the swoooosh down again, and the places my mind goes to are just too much to deal with. I’m making an appointment with my psychiatrist today to address the issue

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  3. How much do you think your medications help with the rapid cycling? Like, when I was taking prescription medications, I thought they could give me, on average, up to 25% in pain relief. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was. What percentage do your medications help you?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Funny you should ask this now. As I was driving in to work I was thinking of my mental stability which I feel is zero. I’m totally unstable. I’m going to make an appointment with my psychiatrist now because I just cannot go from one day to the next planning to kill myself, and distraught emotions involved. Its ridiculous. As for the pain meds – I’m fine in the morning because I’ve rested overnight. I’ve worked out I need them 4 times a day – 8am, 11am, 3pm and7pm. I’m drugged outta my mind. Come 3pm, pain meds or not, I am in agony. I can barely walk to the car, driving with my bad leg on the accelerator and brake just kills me. It feels almost impossible to do anything. As far as pain, I’d say its 50% – morning is good, afternoon and evening unbearable.

      Liked by 1 person

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