Empty

My bipolar meds make my balance wonky and I’m clumsy. It was how I came to have sciatica in the first place. I fell over doing yoga. So I’m officially calling sciatica a co-morbid condition of my bipolar.

Friday was a good day. I had contacted my psychiatrist. He advised me on what I could and couldn’t take making allowance for my depression. Having had pain from my waist down to my ankle for 8 weeks, on Friday I only had pain in my lower back, the source. I could sit and walk pain free. What a joyous moment. I was healing.

But clumsy on my feet, I took a tumble on Saturday night. I tripped and to break my fall I took the full impact on my sore leg. I just lay on the kitchen floor and cried. It’s now worse than the intial pain. And of course the first thing to follow is suicidal ideation. I decided I would do it. Then I’m scared to do it. So I haven’t done it. My meagre budget battles to cover the unexpected extra expense incured by sciatica. I really don’t see the point of living like this. I work and come home. That’s all my salary allows for. And now I’m doing that in constant pain. I had hope on Friday. I lost it on Saturday. I have cried so much I actually don’t know how my body generates this incessant liquid.

I just desperately want to die. Be dead. Kill myself. Whichever way you want to say it. But don’t worry I won’t kill myself. My belief is as long as I’m talking about, I won’t do it. Its when one is depressed and stops talking about suicide, they’re serious and planning and won’t mention it because their mind is made up and don’t want to be talked out of it.

So life goes on, despite the tears and the pain and the wanting to die. I am so fucked. I love you all, but please don’t comment. I wouldn’t know what to say.

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9 comments

  1. Earlier this year, I slipped and fell in the bathtub. Holy cow, that hurt. I had a huge bruise that turned all sorts of pretty colors. Looking at the bright side, I did fall on my big, fat butt. There’s a lot of cushion back there. And I feel lucky that I didn’t break my coccyx — you can’t put a cast on a broken butt. The End.

    This story brought to you by clumsy women with big butts across the globe. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooo ouch! I’ve nearly slipped in the bath twice now. One foot out and the other foot in slips out from under me. Now I balance my weight evenly on my bathroom basin and my washing machine and lift my legs out. After my tumble I while I was lying on the floor I was thinking of you when you also fell and hurt/broke you foot. I kept saying – its not the end of the world, shit happens to everyone. But I couldn’t find my ‘big girl panties’ so carried on lying on the floor crying and thinking about bad things. I’m feeling a lot better today. I don’t care if I become a drug addict, I’m up to my eyeballs in everything from benzo’s to coedine and the world has a rosy tint to it

      Liked by 1 person

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