Tired of being me

You know, I just don’t know what the point is anymore. Fight against life, fight against bipolar. Now fight against the pain of sciatica. Its total lunacy. I cannot, just cannot sit for another fucking minute here at work. AND I’ve just discovered my suspicions are true. The Lyica pain med I take for sciatica is causing water retention. My fucking back hurts, my leg, my feet hurt and my hands. Everything is fucking swollen. NOTHING is ending! Its just a massive adding on to what I already have. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to it. If THIS is the fucking quality of life that I have had handed to me, I don’t want it. And don’t anybody tell me to look on the bright side, or others are worse than me, or have you tried this or have you tried that. Fuck off because I have. Idon’t care. IIIIIII hurt. MEEEE. I hurt and nothing I do remedies the situation. Not with sciatica or with bipolar. If my hair wasn’t falling out already I would pull the fucking stuff out. And I can’t do anything, anything, go to the doc or get any other medication because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY. I’m so tired. So tired you have no idea. I have been sitting here crying invisibly and do you know not one, not one person has come to me to say, are you ok. They all think I”m a drama queen. I hate it. Everything. I don’t want to anymore. And don’t tell me not to because if I really did intend to I wouldn’t talk about it. Just be kind to me. The pain is fucking with my mind. I just can’t anymore. All I do is fucking cry, day and night. I am so sick of being me.

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25 comments

  1. I want so badly right now to be there to be kind to you. This is a useless comment, completely unhelpful … I just want you to know that I wish I could be present, useful, and helpful. A giant earlobe. Not offering any bullshit that begins with, “just…” A giant ear to listen to every valid feeling you just wrote.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. All I can do is offer my love. 😥 I feel this way every time my migraines hit. They make me want to curl up and be dead. I have no idea what sciatica is like and I know that. I won’t even begin to pretend otherwise. I do at least understand the damaging effects of medication. I think we all have had our rounds of that shit here. We know your struggle is real. I wish our health care systems were better than what they are. You deserve better than this awful bullshit.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course you are human being. ❤ And we all need that human connection. It's upsetting that some of us, for various reasons, are not achieving that connection directly face-to-face and have to achieve it on the internet. It doesn't make any less meaningful though. We're still real even if we're floating around on the web. Here we can touch lives and in doing that we can build a legacy. How many people out there in the "real" world can honestly say the same of themselves? I wonder about that. How many of them are honestly trying to make a difference and bring change? But we do this every day. On the web, in our lives, with our family, with our friends – every thing, every day. All for the sake of hope in something better. And then people wonder why we are tired, among other things.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. First, thank you for your recent comment to me. It was a very kind thing to say. Unlike others I will not even attempt to give you advice. I will confess something to you that I have never said to anyone before. You do not know me and will never see me in this life. I became an old “rag picker” in 1991. I am only 59 but I have seen and done things you would find hard to believe. I never state my opinion unless I have the facts to back them up and am asked. I do not judge. Lord, if you only knew the devils I fight every day. The most dangerous one is me. There are somethings I just have no tolerance for. Bullies are at the top of the list. When predators feed on the week, the good, the helpless and the defenseless it awakens a deep and unshakeable father instinct in me. I then become a predator of predators. Otherwise, I am a friend a friend would want to be. My heart goes out to you as I too have the same fight. In fact, I am at battle at this very moment. Please excuse my bluntness, but tell all those so called “do-gooders” who give you advice that they could not follow them selves to simply, as we say down the bayou, ” FUCK EM AND FEED THEM FISH HEADS ” The next time you are told it is just all in your head and to shake it off. Break there knee cap with a base ball bat and tell them , no big deal- walk it off. You need some help with that, just let me know. Peace out. That sound you hear is me leaving !!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Marshall. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time in life. I think it has paid off in the empathy you show me, and I’m sure others as well. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. My favourite part is “Break there knee cap with a base ball bat and tell them , no big deal- walk it off”. Is it twisted that it made me laugh?? That is what I’m going to think every time they do stuff to me. And then I’m going to laugh to myself again. THANK you so much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually, I’m the biggest old softy you will ever know. Laughter truly is the best medicine. If I make it to Jan 11, 2017 laughing, especially at myself, will mark 26 years I have been laughing sober. Hard to believe I own much of my sobriety to the Three Stooges. But, the twisted part: I nether confirm nor deny anything. Either way, made you smile . Ever need another one, just yell I got a bunch more. That’s how we roll in Louisiana.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I won’t give you any advice because I’ve heard it myself and hated it. I will tell you that you can visit at least 5 other blogs and see at least 5 of us say the same. I don’t want to be here. This isn’t how I wanted my life. I don’t think any of us did and if they say they’re happy I think they aren’t being honest. I will tell you I’m still here and I will be if you need me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh hun, I am so sorry for your suffering.Sending you huge cyberhugs, so you don’t feel invisible.. You are worthy and lovable and f*** those superficial nitwits who don’t understand your emotional pain or even care to ask…Your frustration and hopelessness is understandable..I am here and you matter to me..People who don’t understand mental illness need to experience it, so they know what it REALLY FEELS LIKE before they pass judgement or act superior..xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. There is no advice to give. You are already trying everything and I don’t blame you for feeling down. I hate the people at your work for just watching you be sad and upset and not even trying to see if they can help. I wish I could just give you a hug. I wish I can help more. But I can only tell you that I love you and am here for you anytime you need me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know. It sucks that its just the way it is. There will never be changing how people think or react to us. Human being can be so unkind to one another. Thank you Leslie for all the nice things you’ve said and for support, all the support you offer no matter the crisis. Definitely makes me feel better. And I love you too my friend

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Pain fucks with your mind, no doubt about it. For some reason, it can make you feel less than… as if you should be strong enough to handle it. And if you can’t, that means you’re weak. That’s just the voice of other people telling you to get over it. You know how they think… They all have their own problems… Why are your problems more important or more worthy of sympathy and understanding?

    I came across this article today:

    https://www.yahoo.com/news/diagnosed-chronic-illness-100000418.html

    If you read the comments, you can see how differently people deal with chronic illness. Some are accepting, even positive, and some just want it all to end. I remember it took a year and a half before my pain doctor and I found the right combination of medications for me. I was still working and the side effects were very hard to manage. So, while I can’t help you, I can empathize.

    It’s hard to be patient with people who don’t understand. Who really don’t want to understand. Sometimes it’s worth it, and sometimes not. Yeah, people can be a pain in the ass. But, sometimes, they’re worth it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I’m going to read that article. I haven’t the faintest clue how to manage this pain. I feel desperate. And its a combination of bipolar as well. I already feel deficient because of that. Now this pain. I don’t know how to cope. Most days I can barely walk. I don’t understand when you say ‘It’s hard to be patient with people who don’t understand. Who really don’t want to understand. Sometimes it’s worth it, and sometimes not’ The part of sometimes its worth it. I don’t understand what you mean? How can I make it worth it? I’ll take any advice at this point. And thanks for your empathy. Its a great comfort especially from you… you truly do understand the pain

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Unfortunately, you can’t predict which people will understand, try to understand, or want to understand. I saw a comedian do a joke about sciatica the other day, and I’m like, dude, there’s nothing funny about sciatica. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta laugh about the pain. Hard to do, but necessary.

        How can you make talking to other people worth it? Because once in awhile, you will find someone who wants to understand, tries to understand, and will understand. Think of yourself as a book about bipolar and pain. Some people will just glance at the cover of the book. Some will pick it up and read the writing on the back. Some people will buy the book, but never read it. And some will buy the book, read it, and understand. And understanding is a wonderful thing, as well as being contagious. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. God. You always say the most logical and insightful things. I’m going to print this and put it in my handbag, and everytime I feel misunderstood, I’m going to read this. I get it now. How its worth it. Not everyone is worth talking to or sharing with. But once in a while, by sharing, maybe I can comfort some else. Bipolar or pain. With blogging I often think no one is going to read my silly stuff, but then I tell myself – there may be only one person in the world that needs to read this and that makes it worthwhile

        Liked by 1 person

      3. When I first started blogging, I wanted to be popular. But I’ve never been popular, so I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Now, I mostly blog for myself. If other people are entertained or helped, that’s a major bonus. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. For sure. I want people to like me. Story of my life. But I try to make my blog mine. And there is just one person who gets something out of it, that’s a bonus. My blog gives me purpose and focus and a voice. Its my baby. I love having a space where I can be myself.

        Liked by 1 person

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