I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced. This is my weekly journal documenting my eating patterns, moods and thoughts. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food.
This journal is ‘ An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food, so I’ll be honest, since days before I moved, end of August 2016, I have not actually cooked a hot meal for myself. Everything has gotten on top of me and my eating disorder has surfaced in an internal attempt to cope with the external chaos.
So what have I actually been eating? For the first two weeks I gave myself permission to comfort eat. Let it be said, when I commit myself to comfort eating, I do it properly! Then I had to substitute a stove for a toaster when the kitchen was gutted. So I am currently compulsively fixated on toast, in much the same way as I used to be on yoghurt, then on peanuts. There’s a shop nearby that bakes gluten-free bread to order and I’ve been dining on cheese and toast for the past few weeks.
But all things considered, despite no real cooking, I’m going to chalk this up to a grand success, because at least, despite everything, I’m still eating – be it comfort, compulsive, fixated – I am eating. So while I may not have won the war, this battle has been a small victory of sorts.