Toast!

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced. This is my weekly journal documenting my eating patterns, moods and thoughts. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food.

This journal is ‘ An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food, so I’ll be honest, since days before I moved, end of August 2016, I have not actually cooked a hot meal for myself. Everything has gotten on top of me and my eating disorder has surfaced in an internal attempt to cope with the external chaos.

So what have I actually been eating? For the first two weeks I gave myself permission to comfort eat. Let it be said, when I commit myself to comfort eating, I do it properly! Then I had to substitute a stove for a toaster when the kitchen was gutted. So I am currently compulsively fixated on toast, in much the same way as I used to be on yoghurt, then on peanuts. There’s a shop nearby that bakes gluten-free bread to order and I’ve been dining on cheese and toast for the past few weeks.

But all things considered, despite no real cooking, I’m going to chalk this up to a grand success, because at least, despite everything, I’m still eating – be it comfort, compulsive, fixated – I am eating. So while I may not have won the war, this battle has been a small victory of sorts.

toast
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10 comments

  1. Your story moves me very much. that does not happen very often. You write with courage and honesty. I truly admire that. I will be praying for you. Please do not fail to call upon me 24/7 if I can be of even the slightest bit of help. I would be honoured. Peace

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  2. Hi. My name is she. I too am Bipolar and I too gained a massive amount of weight caused by the medication I was on. Before I gained the weight back in 2007 I was my normal weight of 125 lbs. But then because of trying to go cold turkey off of one of my bipolar medications (because I thought I was “fine”) I must have suffered some type of reaction and attempted suicide. After which i was given even more medications once omitted from the hospital. They gave me so many drugs that I went from 125 lbs in 2007 to 180 lbs within 4 years. I became so depressed that no matter what I did I just couldn’t get the weight off. I just couldn’t take the weight off no matter what, and I would go to the gym each and every morning and walk on the treadmill for an hour straight at the highest speed possible. I grew even more and more depressed because my weight wouldn’t budge. Like you I’don’t watch what I ate, did weight watchers, looked at the calories, salt percentage and everything on the back of boxes and cans, I Google what was good for burning fat. I’d eat yogurt..man I did EVERYTHING.
    Then…I started starving myself. But not just because of the weight gain but because I was and am still in an abusive relationship. When the stress started REALLY kicking in, and I felt suicidal again my doc prescribed me something. I won’t tell you online, but in private maybe, what it was, but it helped immensely.
    Not only that, I’d had the courage of leave my abusive relationship (which I’m back in unfortunately) but I was gone 10 months and during those months, and because of the additional stress I went from 155 lbs to 104 lbs.
    So like you, I’m lonely. I’m alone. I feel miserable and now being back with him now back at the weight of 125 lbs, I’m paranoid of going over that. PLUS, I REFUSE TO TAKE ANYTHING FOR MY BIPOLAR but the minimum which is a mood stabilizer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear you are under so much stress. Eating disorders and bipolar are intricately linked. I would encourage you, to enhance your quality of life, especially living with an abuser, to take the recommended dosages and meds for your bipolar. It evens your world out and helps you to make clearer decisions. It was only after I was stabilised on meds that I was able to make the decision to leave my ex-husband and to follow through with my choice. In this blogosphere, none of us are alone, we are all alone together. You will find the community an encouraging and supportive place to be πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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