Why am I quick to jump to suicide?

I’ve noticed a trend with the way I react to challenges or problems in my life. I don’t know if it’s a bipolar thing, or a ‘me’ thing? Feel free to comment, I’d love to know I’m not the only one, uhh, I hope I’m not. Here’s the deal: when faced with a problem/challenge/change I tend to bypass logic and reason and head straight to suicide as my only solution. But death is permanent. There’s no going back once executed. It’s such a scary place to go to, so….. why do I?

My thinking goes:

PROBLEM ——–> OVERWHELMED ———> CATASTROPHIZE ———–> SUICIDE

instead of:

PROBLEM ——–> KEEP CALM ——–> FIND A SOLUTION ———> ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES

I often don’t even have a concrete intent to do it. It’s just comforting to know I have an option, an out. Kinda like having a safe word against the onslaught of the world. So while I’m wrestling with the PROBLEM, which I tend to CATASTROPHIZE , I am mired down in OVERWHELM and keep SUICIDE in my back pocket, you know, just in case…..

Anywhooo, in the meantime *sigh* I forget where I packed my nail clippers. I hate having long nails. So as Life has presented me with a PROBLEM, I’m going to KEEP CALM. As for the SOLUTION? I know exactly where the nail file is! See Life…. I win that one! *gives Life the filed-fingernail-finger*

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21 comments

  1. The thought of suicide enters my thoughts much more then I’m comfortable with. The DBT that I’m currently working on with my therapist is helping though. It’s not to train your brain, but modify your behaviors so that those thoughts don’t come as often.

    Are you still rising into mania?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s a very good point, especially as I’m having a very small taste of pain right now. I don’t know how you do it. I guess I could say, because of bipolar, I have emotional pain when I have problems. Although I find it difficult to apply (practice will make perfect), I have recently learned a technique where, when I experience an emotion, I link it back to a thought, once I’ve discovered the thought of origin, I can change the thought, thereby changing the emotion. And that would eliminate the emotional pain. It that specific instance. But I’m adding “problems are temporary” to my arsenal of manta’s! Thanks Painkills2, you always bring a good dose of reason to me 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Possibly here is a middle ground as well? PROBLEM, OVERWHELM and then NOTICE. Really no one calmly solves problems all the time. So notice that you are overwhelmed and that you really hate feeling as such. At least I assume you do because it often leads to suicidal feelings so I am thinking you want to escape the godawful feelings? So what if you just notice your overwhelm and remind yourself that it will pass. It will pass and return and pass and return. And then problem solve. My devotional yesterday was something about God breathing life into me. I went to yoga and breathed and thought about that. Not saying that breathing solves everything but sometimes that’s all I have. There’s no one single cure for any of this. Only learning what brings us a bit of joy and breathes life into our being. Not sure what that might be for you?! Yesterday all I did was two yoga classes, vacuum, and bake some Thai chicken LoL, the excitement of my existence but it was a great day. I really just wanted to say I love you and that I read this post and wanted to reply.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ‘PROBLEM, OVERWHELM and then NOTICE’ I love that. How practical. You’re right, I want to escape because when an overwhelming event takes place, the bottom drops out and it seems there is no hope left. Your advice is along the same lines as Painkills2 – problems aren’t permanent. You’ve reminded me that things do pass. I’ve never really lived a joyful life. I know I need to explore that, and possibly some sort of spirituality too. Thank you for your love, encouragement and insight. I will try to apply the practical points you’ve made ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t go to suicide when things happen. I go Problem—>Catastrophize—>Shut Down and retreat. Well, I used to do that. I still freak out internally, but I keep composed outwardly.

    These last few weeks, I’ve just been an emotional wreck, but strangely at the right time it seems, I’ve found spirituality. Not necessarily religion in the normal sense, but just that peace.

    Wave that filed fingernail like a banner! Bipolar or not, people Catastrophize over even smaller things. Here’s to you sticking it to those hidden nail clippers 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think I’m one that tends to shut down and avoids or rages and channels that energy. Not sure what determines which way I go. I wonder if it has to do with my depression/manic phases? Never paid attention to it until this question was raised.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It is good, isn’t it. And like you say, we’re all different and can all bring something different to the table. Things we can introduce as coping skills, things that help us understand our behaviour and reactions. Giving one another options. Its good! Talking is always good

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I tend to shut down when I’m depressed, push people away, isolate myself, and then comes the suicidal ideation. I try to contain my rages but that is mostly unsuccessful. Channeling your emotions is a very good point. I’m going to explore that. Thanks for your input ToadieOdie, I really appreciate it. Some more practical advise to perhaps balance an emotional situation

        Liked by 1 person

    2. lol thanks Sass 🙂 Now that I think about it, I do shut down. Catastrophise, shut down and dive into suicidal ideation. You give me pause for thought about spirituality. Its coming up more and more in other people’s posts as well. I think I need to explore that avenue. And you’ll find this interesting, I learned about catastrophising from you, when you reblogged one of Scott William’s posts. Its been a life changing behavioural discovery. So THANK YOU SASS ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Funny you mention spirituality coming up more often because I have been noticing the same as well. Not just on here, but on Facebook too. Christian and earth based religions (both Wiccan and Native Americans as of late actually). I think life is trying to tell me it’s time to reconnect with the world and people. Maybe it’s trying to tell you the same? Go with what feels right when it comes to spirituality I think. It is your soul after all. 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. What a lovely comment. Thank you. I do think Life is telling us something. And I love your perspective – that it is my soul. It’s for the benefit of my soul. I really like that. Another form of self-care is something I can relate to ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Omg it’s like you’re reading my mind. Suicide ideation is my go to in times of trouble. It’s not that I want to die but I find it comforting to have the option, the get out clause. I guess I just want to feel as though I’ve got a way out. Thank you so much for sharing o thought I was the only one that thought like this xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. THANK GOD!!!! Someone else like me! I am so relieved I’m not the only one. Feeling like I’ve got a ‘get out clause’ comforts me because in a strange way it makes me feel like I have a modicum of control over the situation. Thank you for sharing, its given me great comfort

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Sweetheart!
    One reason your brain jumps a few steps is maybe it always has at some level. Since we’ve met you’ve gone thru a worst than shitty divorce to an abuser you were married to way to long. You didn’t see it all those years, one day you did, you knew what was better for you. Life is much better divorced, then you have to face a new reality, single, then dating, then dating users and losers. Most everyone goes thru a period after divorce when shit keeps falling on you. You have a mental illness, you’re brain doesn’t work the same as mine even though we are Bipolar. From your writing it sounds if you struggles to accept having a mental illness, most people I know fight with self until accepted, then some fight because they don’t want to take meds. You take the daily struggle of managing Bipolar Disorder and all the piles of shit thrown at you in the past two years, who would not have HIGH anxiety.
    Your thought process may be a combo of how you’ve thought before and after Bipolar. It may have nothing to do with Bipolar, your mind mat be flipping out because high anxiety or may be is has everything to do with Bipolar.
    That’s why our doctors get paid well, they have to listen to what may not make sense, make sense of by asking questions and write RX they believe is the right one. It doesn’t always work out on first med.
    Have you found a mental illness group you can attend. I’m not crazy about groups, but when I feel overwhelmed I go, may not say a word, usually don’t. There is value listening to other people talk freely, you might reach a stage where you want to talk. Do you see a Therapist or only a Psychiatrist? Both? Therapy changed my life and continues to help.
    I’m here for you!
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Things have been so horrible since leaving my ex-husband 5 years ago. I had a dream of what is would be like and the reality is nothing the same. Its all been much harder than imagined. I’ve often thought I should never have left. You know, the devil you know and all that. In order to leave him, I had to come to terms with being bipolar, after a lifetime of being in denial. I’m stuck in a place where I feel that life and my future hold no hope. There is one group, but I have terrible social anxiety and haven’t had the courage yet to go. I should. You’re right, even just to listen. I had a few sessions with a therapist this year – 6 is all my medical aid would cover. She was a huge help and I wish I could go more often but I can’t afford it. I think suicide has a lot to do with me feeling alone and unsupported in the real life world. Its just me and its frightening shouldering everything by myself while coping with a mental illness. This feeling has been amplified by the sciatica. Frankly, I see nothing ahead of me but pain – emotional and physical. Sometimes, when there’s nothing I can FIX or CONTROL, I want to disappear, leave, die. I have this warped outlook that suicide is my fate. That at some point, like my mother, I will kill myself. Then my thinking says – why wait for the inevitable, you’re frightened and unhappy now, so just get it over and done with. Sorry to on about such horrible topic. I so appreciate your support. You are very special to me. And in hard times I often think of you, battling Lyme as well as bipolar, and I feel guilty because your situation is more challenging than mine. Thanks again for your support M ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to feel that way when I was so overwhelmed with the today of my sadness and the thing that changed my mind was the day that came next and then the next and the times in those days when I felt joy and realized I would have missed those times if I would have given up that one Today that is now past.
    But I do understand when you are in the TODAY of the pain how hard it is to think clearly. But I have survived those todays and I am so happy you have to!
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! You are so right. If we can just take a step back from the immediate, and give time a chance to show us other possibilities, we’ll be ok. Thank you for sharing. We all need to stick together in the agony of a today and share in the joy of tomorrows 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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