I put the Rrrrrrr in ‘rapid cycling’

I’m giving birth to mania. I can feel it simmering beneath the surface. The key lies in the internal mind chatter. More and more chatter squirreling like mice in the attic of my brain. I can’t think straight for all the talking to myself. My lips move and perhaps, unaware, I whisper a few words of the dialogue between myself and I. You’ll catch me in an absorbed moment rolling my eyes or shaking my head; animated, some would think inebriated, deeply entwined in my own personal conversation and consternation of a slightly hypomanic mind.

Thoughts rolling thick and fast, I turn in one spot because I’m pulled this way and that between one suggestion and another, one thought, a new idea, a reminder, an alternative, questions and wonderings all in the space of one second. Or I can’t sit still, bouncing from room to room, forgetting then remembering, thoughts scrambled and unruly – don’t forget to fax the medical aid a copy of your text before the prescription then send …… a jumble of nonsense *rolls eyes, shakes head*

On and on it goes until I have to yelling out STOP! For the love of god just stop! Go have a cigarette, clear your mind, figure out a plan.

*has cigarette*

*has another cigarette ‘cos contemplating important universal stuff*

*has an idea*

*grabs laptop*

*goes to bed at 2am with craft glue stuck in her hair* ……I know! WTF!…. *rolls eyes, shakes head*

Change is a strange creature in the life of a rapid cycling bipolar. Tuesday morning I set a date for my suicide, but I had the courage to change my mind, and here I am two days later with a hypomanic-induced spring in my step. Change is consistent. Change is reliable. And when it comes, it changes everything.

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10 comments

  1. “I’m giving birth to mania. I can feel it simmering beneath the surface. The key lies in the internal mind chatter. More and more chatter squirreling like mice in the attic of my brain.”

    I talk to myself all the time, especially when I am planning what I want to say or write, sometimes to sort out and express the things I really should not/do not want to say. But when I try to explain to my psychiatrist the different sort of internal dialogue that goes on in the hypomanic ramp up to mania (which for me is slow, steady and really only recognizable as I pick myself out of the debris) I am at a loss to adequately describe the different quality. You have captured it perfectly.

    Right now I am very stable and facing a return to work process. I want to work, but my insurance person plans to contact my former employer first. That horrifies me because (a) I was a completely manic mess when I left and can’t even remember how awful I must have been to be around (b) no one has contacted me directly for over two years and I had to work through a third party to get the paperwork I needed and (c) medicated and stable I have neither the energy, nor the inclination to bust my but like an idiot like I did for nine increasingly hypomanic into spectacularly manic years before I crashed.

    Nice to be stable, but now I remember how cushioned the brain is with all the mice in the attic silenced, so to speak.

    Sorry for the long response. Keep up the fight. Wishing you well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Roughghosts. I love long responses! I’m so happy that you could give personal meaning to my words. Gosh, I’m quite honoured. I have faced a slightly similar situation work-wise so I can relate to the dread and, well, I felt sheer terror… because I had to return to the SAME job. At least everyone was too scared to talk to me so I had some peace and quiet. I know you’ve been through some really tough times. If you ever want company via email, or you want to email someone with a south african accent…. please know you are welcome to drop me a line (piecesofbipolar@yahoo.com).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Can you call your Dr. and see if he can help you with something to take? I know how maddening your mind constantly racing can be sweetie.Does a warm bubble bath or soft music help? I’m so sorry you are going through so much at one time. Breathe and sending love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Breathe breathe breathe! You should be soo proud of yourself for changing your mind. Suicide isn’t always the answer (I know how tempting it can be though). The buzzing is so annoying… ugh. I have to yell out STOP too otherwise I’m so stuck inside my head with the voices and my friends.

    It’s flipping hard but you’re doing your best and that’s all you can expect of yourself. We’re all here for you. Can you get anything from your pdoc to help with the voices though?

    xoxo joanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the encouragement. Thankfully I cycled very quickly out of hypomania, but the depression remains. And the suicidal ideation. For now I’m able to manage everything with coping strategies. You’re right, I need to stop and breath

      Liked by 1 person

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