Settling in, sciatica and suicide

I’m struggling to settle into my new home. I feel like a visitor in a self-catering unit. Everything feels foreign and I don’t remember where I’ve packed stuff away and haven’t the slightest clue as to where to start looking. The result…. a grown adult spending countless hours wandering aimlessly about the flat in total bewilderment, mumbling to herself.

I still don’t have internet in my new home. So I have very little contact with anyone and am becoming lonelier and lonelier. I expected the upheaval to result in depression, which it has. But I didn’t expect such high anxiety or panic attacks. And its all the more difficult experiencing it alone. Learning so much about codependency and boundaries, I cut off the only two friends (I use that term loosely) I had. Details for another day. It’s a time of great upheaval, mourning of what’s passed and a heart-clutching-fear-induced anticipation of what’s to come.

And then Life threw something else at me. My back went wonky (slipped disc/sciatica) hanging the new kitchen curtains. So for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been clawing through each day in incredible pain wondering how the hell my friends with chronic pain manage. But a bit of morphine, a bit of codeine, a drug induced daze and the sweet escape of sleep. All is okay for that brief period.

I have been entertaining thoughts of suicide. Everything I am, compounded by the physical pain, has made it an appealing option.

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45 comments

  1. Funny, I was just thinking about suicide. Just now. When your life is full of constant pain, with no hope of relief, death does sound like a very appealing option. I’ve been wandering around my tiny apartment, wondering why I keep breathing. There doesn’t seem to be any point to my life. I’m just taking up space…

    Yeah, I know how you feel. You must be overwhelmed with all the changes in your life. Change is supposed to be good for you, but it’s very stressful. Here’s hoping that things will settle down for both of us.

    Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so so sorry you feel the same. It’s an agonising torture of the mind against sound reason. You are always upbeat and positive. You are allowed some time to feel despair. Pain with no relief its the least you can do for yourself.

      I would miss you terribly if you were not here. There is no wasted space with you, there is beauty in every cloud and colour on every flower. And cheesecake. Lots of cheesecake. Don’t think of suicide my friend. Pick up your phone, and if you are able, walk just to the parking lot and find a piece of detail to share. I’ll check in with you tomorrow ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So, I *do* know it’s a difficult season, and I get that. It sucks to be me, it sucks to be you, and I irrationally hear that shit in my head too. I was having panic attacks all day Friday, and I couldn’t seem to get past it on Saturday. Sunday I had three too many things to do and added more after that, and I just wanted to shut down and do nothing. Instead I kept moving slowly and grumbling to myself until my family looked at me cross-eyed and until the time sentenced was time served. I also know that it takes time to settle in, time to accept change, and I don’t process those things very well. I’ve lived here for almost 10 years and I still can’t find a fucking pen that writes.

    So all that said, I know my issues aren’t the same as your issues, but we can commiserate. Who would understand my issues the way you do? I know I can’t change what you’re processing, but I hope you’ll wait and stay here with me. Set a slow daily goal for your unpacking and don’t worry about friends. You’re awesome and you’ll find better friends. Sometimes those take time too, because you have to pick carefully.
    Love, Deon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Deon! I’m so glad you think I’m awesome! I’ve done a screen print for future reference 🙂 Ja, I know this will pass. I did expect it, but my back being in so much pain….. didn’t see that coming. So I’ve been immobile and/or drugged… at least more than usual, for the better part of my stay. I also know that this change of season is a bad time for me. This time last year I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and diagnosed with early onset psychosis. So I don’t want a repeat of that. I always say – I have to work within the limits of my illness. Sometimes that means I don’t cook a meal or I don’t take a bath or I cry for 3 consecutive months. But one of these days, out the blue, I will wake up and feel stronger or more capable.

      But in the meantime, I more than happy, and grateful, to be able to commiserate with you, and anyone else in a similar predicament. ‘Cos I’m awesome ‘n stuff, ya know ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m really sorry your back is sore. That really sucks. I wish I was nearby so when I have the rage energy I could work it out helping you in more tangible ways. I do love you and your writing no matter what, and you are awesome. I wish I could say it in a better way, but all that said, I’m praying that both you and I have those upswings soon, and more I hope your back pain goes away. Move when you can. Do you have any family or church support? DM

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you Deon. Tangible is good, but its always the thought that counts. No I’m afraid no family. There is my father but we don’t get along, don’t talk. Its a mutual thing. I don’t go to church and I’m not too sure I believe in god, but with my back…. I have found myself starting the day with “oh dear god help me get through this day”. Dunno if that counts…. Just know that your comments and encouragements have helped in a BIG WAY. I’ve felt motivated to develop a strategy which I will share with you soon. I think its the way out of this depression. So hang tight I’ll post it towards the end of the day 🙂 and maybe it will help you too ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. dear pieces, it’s been a long while. please take it one piece at a time. what you can find, fine and that should be whenever. when we all leave this earth, what will be all that junk or luggage to us anyway? please, breathe in and try something out that could make you smile or laugh at yourself maybe even painting or doing laundry with your hands etc Sometimes it’s hard to console a ‘suffering spirit’ but I like to do/say/write something, anything rather than just shrug 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Working within the limits of your illness. That is a wonderful way to think of it. Not what we expected, intended, or wanted, but it’s what we’ve been handed, so we work with it.

    I’m terribly sorry your back has gone South. I hope it straightens out very soon, and stays solid. I know from bitter experience how hard it is to stay right-side-up when your body is stabbing you as well as your brain.

    Backs (in my experience, mind) seem to go out during times of stress. I don’t know why. It’s like they’re yelling, “Help, help, I’m overwhelmed, and you WILL go to bed now, even though your dwelling is nothing but boxes!”

    Hang in there. Sending you good juju and tea and toast! (If you don’t like tea and toast, just pick whatever makes you happy 🐛)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! I was thinking that exact same thing. When you think about, your back is you ‘backbone’, the foundation of your body. In times of stress we feel that everything is falling apart with no support. So physically, the back says – hold up a minute, slow down and gather yourself towards yourself. Thanks for your juju! And I love tea and toast. Actually had some for dinner last night =D

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi, i stubbled across this message by searching chronic pain and wanted to say i sure hope you are feeling better. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease after coming home as a new mom that causes severe inflammation in my spine, hips and other joints so i can totally sympathize with you. I wanted to say i have found that venting and getting it out helps me so much just like you did with your original post and then as people commented i have noticed you are already feeling better. Stay strong and keep up your positive attitude 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much for your support. The pain is still almost unbearable and has changed the parameters of my life. But I’m learning skills on how to cope. Some days I feel like the pain is burrowing through my joints and into my bones. Those are the bad days. But I have to live so I’m learning to adapt. Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂

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      3. Oh goodness i am so sorry to hear this! Have you been able to get any answers from doctors? Pain is so very hard to live with and so misunderstood by the world. its very important to stand up for yourself and push for answers. also very important to learn how to take it easy as well and not to puss yourself too much and have to pay for it later. the hardest thing about dealing with pain is not the pain itself but the limitations it puts on living in a life that we can’t participate in or participate as we would like and the emotional burden that it holds on us! you are never alone. keep on sharing how you feel online, sharing even with strangers is better than dealing with it alone and helps tremendously! stay strong i am here if you ever need anything and will be praying for peace for you and answers.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Well, I’ve tried everything – physiotherapy, chiro, I spent 5 days in hospital where not even intravenous drugs took away the pain, so then I had an epidural and that didn’t take. The only other option is to have an operation but the neurosurgeon doesn’t want to do that because he says I’m too young and once you start operating of the back, it never stops. So I have to just live with it and work out a pain management plan. I agree with you about the limitations. It has narrowed down my life tremendously. But I’m learning to adapt. Slowly but surely. There is soooo much help here with friends on wordpress. I would never have gotten this far had it not been for them. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Sweetheart you are very important to all of us, please take care of yourself. Don’t worry about unpacking when you are hurting so. It can all wait, give yourself permission to just rest. We all need each other so much right now and we care about what happens to you. Don’t feel lonely we are right here for you whenever you need us. I’m sending my love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So sorry to hear you are in such physical as well as emotional pain! How crappy! Especially now when you just want to settle and unpack..I hope your back eases up a little, so you can feel a little better..It makes complete sense that you are thinking of a way out of your pain but all you can do is slow down and look after yourself right now..
    ..I agree with others..Slow down on the packing and create one room in your home where there is no clutter..No boxes and chaos..Moving is extremely stressful and my anxiety goes through the roof( I have moved countries twice in the last 4 years..and cities at least 4 times..) and can’t cope with it anymore..It always helps me to keep my bedroom free of clutter, so I can relax in there until the rest of the unpacking is done..(I try not to look at all the boxes when very stressed). I am sorry you are feeling suicidal but hang in there and reach out to us..Remind yourself that it will get better…The no internet feeling is tough too…but we are all here for you if you need to chat on the phone or via text..Even those of us in Germany 😉 Whatsapp is also handy 🙂 Hugs and feel better soon

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s such a good idea to make one room orderly and comfortable! I’m going to do that. Athina, thanks for your support. It means the world to me. Slow down and a steady pace is going to be my new mantra 🙂 I can’t believe you’ve moved so many times AND to other countries…. I wouldn’t be able to that, so hats off to you!

      Like

  7. You know we moved too. It’s been crazy stressful! I just got brave today and pounded about 5 nails into the wall to get the pictures up off the floor. No internet?!?? Oh my, me and my family can’t do without it. That was the deciding factor for what day we could actually move into our new home and sleep–the TVs and internet had to be up and working, installed on a Friday and we slept here that Saturday. Hope you get your internet soon.
    Also hope your feeling better. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Girlfriend, isolation and alienation do not suit you. This much I know about you. What I know about ME (might relate to you & might not) is that opiates can seriously fuck with my mood. So here is a possible recipe for disaster. Please be proactive and get in to see your dr or therapist. And please remember that you are loved, you matter, and it is NOT time for you to exit this earthly plane.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks girlfriend ❤ I haven't taken too much morphine 'cos it makes me throw up. And you're right, it does affect my mood. I saw my doc yesterday. I'm ok. Just too much in a short space of time. I'll be wandering aimlessly around my flat in search of belongings for a long time to come 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I remember that, hauling stuff from your storage trip by trip. You were a force of nature! 🙂 My sciatica has had me mostly immobile and I’ve had my kitchen gutted which largely accounts for the chaos. But every day I do feel a bit more ‘at home’. Thanks for the encouragement my friend 🙂

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  9. No no no no, PLEASE no. I just saw this post, and it brought tears to my eyes. Please say that you’re getting help and that you will be okay. I’m sorry that you’re lonely, and I know that is THE WORST feeling. E-mail me anytime (for real for real – hazelhillboro@gmail.com). I don’t know you in real life, but I care about you in the most cyber-tastic way possible. I do. I wasn’t even scrolling my reader today – I specifically thought, “Hmm, what has Pieces of Bipolar been up to lately?” and I looked up your blog specifically. THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR BLOG (and, by extension, you). We in the mental illness cybertribe are always battling, and sometimes we have to pick each other up when one of us are wounded. Tell me how to pick you up, Pieces. We can’t lose you! Any loss sends shockwaves through the whole community (as you probably know by now), and wins teach us that we can all beat this if we work together. Make this one a win, okay? If you can’t do it for you, do it for the rest of us who look up to you.

    Sending prayers your way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m at a loss for words at how loved and relevant you’ve made me feel. Thank you so very, very much! I have seen my doc and I am feeling a LOT better. I’m going nowhere, I promise – except maybe shoe shopping 😉 Lithium toxicity and everything else compounded had me off balance. But I’m nothing if not stubborn and will, as you say, win this one. Thank you Hazelhillboro, you’ve made me feel less alone ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  10. I know what it’s like to have sciatica so severe. Just remember it’s only temporary. The key is to accept it and not let it stop you from living. Get outside even if it is to get some sun or go on a short gentle walk. And see your doctor for some treatment, a epidural steroid injection can work wonders.
    Keep your chin up and your thoughts positive!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the encouragement! 🙂 I recently spent 5 days in hosptal where I was given the epidural, but it didn’t take. I’ve tried physio, the meds, the epidural and now I’m trying the chiro. I hope to hell it works because the only other option is surgery and I want to avoid that with all my heart

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course surgery is only last resort. I had the epidural but never tried chiro. Let me know if it helps! I’m sure it will 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I have had Sciatica for 3 years now. I feel your pain. Even a day with this curse can completely break a person. I am lonely too. I hate knowing that there are so many lonely people out there.

    One piece at a time hey? maybe soon two will go together and a bigger picture will become more clear. I’m feeling for you. WordPress is an excellent place for you to be. People care, and here you might just find them. I will shed a tear for you tonight.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Loneliness and pain can drive a person insane. Thank you for caring. I love blogging. The support, kindness and encouragement is invaluable. Nothing like it exists in the real world. I wish it did. Then perhaps we’d all not be so lonely

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Try and avoid surgery. The best treatment is doing your very best to ignore it. Stay active. Lift. Walk. Create. Involve yourself in society. Sciatica (and this took me years to realize) is very psychosomatic, though none the less real, it can be significantly relieved by keeping your mind above the matter. But it is extremely hard. Stay positive. Watch your posture. Avoid soft surfaces. And if you are in pain. Message me. I can’t relieve your pain. But I can sympathize. I want to help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much. Yes, I’m not having the surgery. I’m focused on pain management. Painkills2 advises distraction as a coping skill. Find things that distract and redirect thoughts from the pain. I’m finding a pattern between bipolar triggering pain. So, I’m slowly learning to fashion a life that accommodates the pain. Thank you for your kindness

      Liked by 2 people

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