I am depressed. There’s no concealing the fact. Within the space of one week, Ulla’s suicide coincided with my move and an ugly incident with my father. Its been a difficult time. So that’s where I’m at. I’m not suicidal, but personally, it feel as if Ulla’s death has sealed my own fate, somewhere down the line in the future. My father hates me, Ulla’s dead and I’m having a difficult time moving on and embracing life and all that.



      1. But I know you’re lying. Everyone leaves. Everyone dies. Things aren’t the same without you here. You gave me hope. And I’m mad at you for taking that away from me. It’s your fault I’m depressed. You left me here all alone and I don’t want to deal with this shit by myself. How can you help me now?

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      2. You’re right. Everyone leaves. In life, death is guaranteed. But I didn’t abandon you intentionally. I was focused solely on my own pain and finding some peace. You are sad because you’ve suffered a loss and are sad. You are depressed because you have bipolar and your sadness is extreme. You’ll begin to feel better over time. I can’t help you. Only you can help yourself. This will not be an easy transition, moving through the grief. But I know you can do it even though you don’t think you can. Hope will shine bright again for you one of these days. I’m only a thought away (this is so hard to say ‘cos I don’t believe half of it….)

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  1. Real friends don’t leave. I knew you were in pain, but everyone’s in pain. Don’t you think it was a little selfish of you? I miss you so much, I can’t even remember all the good stuff you taught me. Now when I think about you, all I feel is pain. You left me. You took away our friendship. You ruined it. You ruined it all.

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    1. I know. (now I’m going to say the unsayable) I WAS SELFISH!!!!! But frankly, I don’t care. I don’t care about your pain. Mine was worse than yours. I know I left you with questions that will never be answered. But I don’t really care because now I’m dead and all happy and peaceful and twirling around here in heaven. I don’t care that I ruined everything, brought pain. The only thing I care about is myself and that now, I feel good. FUCK YOU you’re interrupting my peace

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      1. Gee, Ulla, you’ve changed since you died. I don’t remember you being selfish at all. And why do you think I have questions? You and I pretty much occupied the same space. I knew you as well as I know myself. I really don’t think you’re selfish. I really don’t blame you. I’m just angry. And very, very sad. I feel like this tragedy happened to me, not you.

        I’m glad you’re twirling in heaven. Or partying in hell. Maybe you’ve even been reincarnated as the biggest chocolate cheesecake in the world.

        I know my grief will fade with time, but right now, I’m gonna wallow in it. Damn it, girlfriend, I miss you! I really miss you…

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      2. Talking as Pieces – Half of me does think you were selfish and half of me feels relieved for you. I speak to my mother and to you. Truthfully, I’m jealous of you. I wish I could follow through. I’ve imagined it many times. You are so much better than me in life and even in death. I am angry with you. So angry. Like AAAANGRYYYY! How could you? Why didn’t you? What if? What could have? WHAT ABOUT SOLO! I feel like ground zero. Everything’s come falling down. You were such a brilliant person with so much in your life that I don’t even have in mine. So what hope do I have? I just don’t understand, but at the same time I do. This is such a confusing time. My heart hurts and the tears don’t stop.

        When my mom committed suicide, my father forbid me to cry because he didn’t want people to see HIS child as weak. So maybe this is your gift to me – the chance to grieve my mom’s suicide while grieving your own.

        The thought is comforting. That even in death you are giving. I’m going to miss you always. You were a gift, and I was lucky enough to get to know pieces of you in your life.

        (Painkills, thank you so much for doing this for me. I feel a bit more grounded. I’ve gotten some unhealthy things off my chest. You are one of the kindest, coolest people I’ve met. I wish I could send you some chocolate cheesecake to say thank you. Thank you doesn’t even express it properly xxx)

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      3. Ulla was a warrior. You and I are warriors. Does it matter how long we fight, just as long as we fight? If Ulla was stronger than you, than why are you still here? Did you ever wonder if you might be stronger than her? I’m back to the thought that life isn’t a contest about strength and courage. It really is about the journey and who we meet along the way.

        House: “Are you going to base your life on who you got stuck in a room with?”
        Eve: “I’m going to base this moment on whom I’m stuck in a room with. That’s what life is. It’s a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.”
        ―One Day, One Room

        Grief and depression are two different things, Pieces. Don’t feel bad or guilty about grieving for Ulla. But just remember, she wouldn’t want you to wallow for too long. 🙂

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  2. Today I just want you to know I appreciate you- your humor, your friendship, your experience, the way you relate and share our reality. I’m here to encourage you and I hope you find comfort in my presence. I’m here to pray for you, although we know how that sometimes turns out. I wish I could offer more. Come on over to the bunker. We’ll chat, comiserate, celebrate. I’ll pour. But less than a rainstorm. We can probably cry through one of those, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.


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    1. Thank you Deon. You don’t know how valuable these words and your sentiments have been to me. I sat last night reading and re-reading your words. What Painkills coached me through was powerful and it was comforting to imagine myself sheltered in a bunker with your company. I didn’t feel like I was alone. You can’t put a price on that. Thank you, Deon

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  3. I want to offer my own thanks to Painkills2. What an amazingly therapeutic exercise, and one that I definitely benefited from just by reading it.

    I know you’re having a hard time Pieces and just reading these comments shows me how loved you are, by me and others. Grief takes it’s own time. Allow it to run it’s course, but in the meantime try to be happy about this new house you have gotten for yourself, by yourself. A space that belongs completely to you.

    Love you Lady

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      1. Well, my bedding is purple….. and candy should NEVER be in short supply. The nude mural (LMAO!!) I don’t think the wall is big enough to fit my ass after eating all the candy in the candy jar all at once. You’re right. I am still alive, and I need to carry on living. Big ((hugs)) to you

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    1. Leslie, that technique Painkills2 used has lifted such a burden of grief off my shoulders. I can’t even express in words how therapeutic is was. And with all your’s direction, I can see past this period, that I will get through, and most definitely YES, I need to refocus on the good that I have…. my new home. Thank you for your support ❤ at I time I most needed it

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