Blahpolar

My friend has gone and I don’t know what to do, what I should have or could have done.  I know the logic – there was nothing I could do.  But it remains that I am, as we all are, left with survivors guilt and the broken heart of the ones left behind.  I understand, respect and support her decision.  She has fulfilled the ultimate act of self-care, and removed herself from this nightmare of a world where she endurde a daily, torturous struggle against which there is no cure.  Now she has peace and joy and can laugh again.

Her path ran parallel to that of my mother’s – med resistant, ECT, suicide.  So much loss, blame and anger lies at the feet of bipolar and the medical community who prove time and time again to be inept in treating this illness.  Making money off our desperation.

Blahpolar had an immense effect on my life.  I doubt she even realised how much.  She walked beside me on my own journey even as she carried the weight of her own demons.  She said two words that redefined my life – you matter.  Two simple words that changed my life.  And now, I am at a loss for words.  Because she mattered to me, and to you and to us.  Words escape me.  All I have are tears.

I am still waiting for someone to contact me and tell me this was all a big mistake.  That it’s not true.  But it is true and her death has shifted my world slightly off axis. And I know that it will never turn quite the same again.

I won’t be joining you all on the 10 Sept.  It’s not because  I didn’t love her.  Its because I loved her that I can’t participate.  I will be taking my grief into isolation.  To be completely honest, I’m not sure I will return to blogging.  We all make such deep connections here, there is so much support and friendship and advocacy.  But despite the wonders of technology, we are still left alone and helpless in the face of bipolar.  I don’t know if I want to be vulnerable to anymore loss.  I just….. I don’t know what to say.

This was one of her favourite songs….. (PS – can someone please tell me what has happened to her dog?  Please I have to know)

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28 comments

  1. Whew. I understand. It’s so sad, and I understand how it can at last become too much, after we have tried so hard, done everything possible to find some peace, I mean, ECT, shit, she tried EVERYTHING. My God, I even despair that I am stuck here because of my dog….she must have made sure her dog was safe before she went. I didn’t know her well, but I know she would have made arrangements for her dog, if she possibly could…

    Rest in true piece, Blah.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Pieces, I’m so sorry for your loss. Today I feel empty and all I can do is pray someone sends an email or something to say that this is all a big misunderstanding. A stupid sick joke. I want my homie, my gangsta, my blood, back.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I agree with Laura that Blah probably would have made arrangements for her dog. And I completely understand not wanting to participate on the 10th. It’s going to be a very hard day. I’m sending you an email. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I didn’t know Blahpolar, but I’m astonished at the number of people posting about her today. She obviously was a special person. I understand you wanting to leave the blogosphere, but I hope you take nothing more than a break. You’re in my thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You have to do what’s best for you. If stepping away is what you need, know that we are always here no matter what. I think we all want it to be a sick twisted joke, though deep down we know she finally has peace from the hell of treatment resistant bipolar. Much love to you, Pieces. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi friend
    I hear your pain and understand the shock of someone leaving your life that way. You are strong, much better at dealing with the balls of fire thrown at you. You do matter and have come such a long way from when we met. This may be tour biggest test so far, you jump the hurdle, learn how you survived and move forward again. If blogging is difficult now, take a break, you owe no one here anything.
    Take care of yourself. Be gentle.
    Hugs
    M

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pieces, I understand your decision not to join on the 10th. I also get your decision to step away. You matter to me as well. Is it okay if some of us want to contact you via email? xx

    Liked by 2 people

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