Every inch of you is perfect

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced. This is my weekly journal documenting my eating patterns, moods and thoughts. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food.

We are all perfect just the way we are, and no oneย sings it better than Meghan Trainor!

 

 

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12 comments

  1. Hi Pieces, I’m curious to know if when you say ‘fat’ you’re a ‘normal/average’ weight based on your height or if the doctor would consider you above average weight for your height etc?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a good question, although a complicated one to answer. The fact: my height and weight fit into the normal range of the BMI (albeit the upper end for me). So technically my weight is normal. However, having been stick thin since 13 years old, I cannot reconcile what I see in the mirror. I feel fat. I can’t face what I see in the mirror. I’ve basically added an extra person to my body, so I sit differently, walk different, sleep in a different position etc etc. The fact of my distorted reality: I am overweight. I used to wear childrens clothes. Now I’m on the more voluptuous side of ‘normal’. I binge eat as well then don’t eat at all. That’s why I started this segment – to track my eating habits, to affirm that I’m ok and maybe help others not feel alone. I hope this answers your question. Feel free to ask anything more ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks so much for clarifying. No judgment here, in terms of how you feel and how you describe how you feel (fat). It does help to know that though, because lots of us describe ourselves as fat, and I guess it means different things to different people. I essentially ignore the fact that I’m overweight. I weigh more than I should for my height. Some days I agonize over it and feel sorry for myself but because I spend so much time alone, it doesn’t bother me.
        Tbh, it’s only when in the company of others or having to walk up stairs or do any kind of prolonged physical activity that I notice it, and it slaps me in the face and it feels really shitty.
        I’ve been off my meds, all of them, for more than 2 months now. I feel like I should have lost weight and I haven’t. That was the whole point of getting off meds in the first place.
        My plan is to get bloodwork done as soon as the kids are back in school. I’m really worried that I might be on my way to being diabetic. Ack! I guess I wanted you to know that I’m sort of in the same boat in terms of having a negative body image.
        Makes me so tired just thinking of the work involved in getting to a normal body weight.
        Funny thing is, I call myself fat, but if someone else called me fat I’d get really defensive and probably call them the body police.
        No one has a right to police other people’s bodies.
        Sorry for the novel. Thank you for talking about it – body image issues.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re more than welcome, Jill. I feel the same climbing stairs. One of the many side effects of medication is shortness of breath. So I’m bigger AND I smoke, people are always on my case about smoking. I’ll you a secret so you feel better, I binge eat as well. I only buy all the tasty, rubbish foods that are calorie laden – like ice cream, chocolates, chips, sweeties and I’ll only eat that for weeks at a time. Thank god I’m gluten intolerant so I can’t eat biscuits and cakes! Then I’d be seriously overweight. My food intake is influenced by my moods which doesn’t help being bipolar. So eating for me is a disorganised mess. I’m most comfortable in deprivation – eating nothing. It makes me feel in control (eating + bipolar) for just a little bit. Skinny or large, I think we’re united in having a poor self image. All made worse by the media. They are my devil. Take care and again, any questions or thoughts are most welcome xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I can relate to “moody eating”, having only junk in a day or simply having no appetite and practically eating nothing. For me, eating sweet things, or calorie-rich foods is like a compulsion. I feel like I have to satisfy the craving, otherwise I get really, really cranky. It’s a terrible thing and very hard to change.
        You take care as well, my friend xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

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