Tired of lying

I’m a liar and I’m tired of lying.

I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of wearing a mask that has to change shape with individual people and then changes again for varying circumstances.

I’m tired of saying I’m fine when I’m not. I’m tired of being judged for simply being born as me. I’m tired of pleasing and feeling like a dog performing tricks for treats and approval. I’m tired of trying so hard yet always falling short of expectations – always, always, always. I’m tired of saying ‘I’m sorry’ when it’s beyond my control.

I’m tired of being met by silence when an emotion slips out. I’m blatantly ignored, my emotions unvalidated and no one offers support or comfort. Instead the collective eye-rolling causes a Pacific Ocean hurricane as they label me ‘oversentive’ and ‘what a drama queen’…… I’m tired of my emotions treated as imaginary, being ignored and brushed under the rug – if they don’t see them by default they don’t exist. For them. But not for me. Oh they’re very real to me. So, if you can’t handle my emotions isn’t that your problem, and not mine?

I’m tired of intolerance.  I’m tired of being taken to task for my reactions, motivations and reasoning because they’re different to ordinary folk. BUT YOOOOHOOOO! I AM DIFFERENT. My brain is different to your brain. I was born into this genetic illness. An illness that is legally classified as a disability but to ordinary folk I am a hypochondriac with a wild imagination. I’ve found ordinary folk all too ready to say ‘nooooo, you shouldn’t feel like that’ or ‘nooooo, you’re being silly now’

I’m tired of people trying to change who I naturally am. I’m angry, furious, indignant. But still I take another pill to subdue the ‘undesirable’ parts of me to ease the discomfort of those around me. And I carry on sitting in my private pain, drugged, apologising and doing tricks like a dog to please.

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41 comments

  1. Wow Pieces you just described me to an absolute T. I wish I was good at writing and could express myself like you. You empower us who have been shut up so long, we don’t know how to speak for ourselves. Thank you!!!

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    1. Oh, I’m so glad you can relate and have the opportunity of having a voice! We are compelled to keep silent and bend to the will of the general population. I hope you feel empowered because you have the right to express yourself

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a stunning piece of writing. It’s a stark and honest examination of the troubles anyone with a mental disease will go through.
    The tired frustrations jump out to smack the reader and ask them to focus. Normality isn’t complacency, don’t judge on your own standards take a second to look beyond the veil each and every one of us has our quirks and my callously ignoring through selfishness and ignorance you don’t make the world normal you make it cruel
    This piece isnt so much a cry for help to me by a wake up call screamed to those who don’t suffer.
    It’s a gripping piece of writing that will resonate or challenge a reader depending on your afliction.
    The ‘oversensitive drama queen’ is an artist and has a powerful voice, that normality pales in comparison to!
    Absolutely fantastic piece!!! ♥

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    1. Thank you! I really appreciate your understanding and support. Thank you for taking the considerable time and effort to give me such glowing feedback. Wow!! Empathy and insight. And the resonate vs challenge is exactly what I was feeling at that moment. A big thank you, Cameron 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like to try and say something meaningful let an author know what I got from a piece. Sometimes it’s something adorable that I need to squeeze something sometimes it’s introspective and demands a thoughtful comment.
        I’m really glad that you appreciate comments like this, I have an issue with brevity so I end up going on far longer than most.
        It’s truly a remarkable piece you have here and it would be just plain rude not to let you know!! 💙

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I so get what you’re saying. Our strong emotions frighten people. Actually sometimes they frighten even ourselves. And yes we apologize for the symptoms of our illness because our words and actions can be hurtful to others and to ourselves. I wrote something similar in my post called “Living with Bipolar” Hugs upon hugs for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely! I frighten myself all the time;) And I agree some of our extreme symptoms do frighten people. That’s where education comes in. The more educated anyone is, the more understanding within a circumstance. It’s most definitely not black and white, but I do feel a lot more people within my reality, need the right kind of education

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My friends try and understand , they really do. I commend them for that. But I also take the responsibility upon myself to stay well and away from emotional extremes and outbreaks. I’m always trying. 😏 Hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You have every right to be tired. I absolutely empathize with what you are going through and there is nothing wrong with being honest about who you are and expecting people to accept you as you are. Do take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is why you are the best supporter of people with bipolar. You have empathy and validate what we are feeling. Thank you for saying “there is nothing wrong with being honest about who you are”. That is empowering for me to hear. THANK YOU VIC !!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I was on a mega low the other day and my so called friend kept telling me, “I want you to do this…then do this…THEN I want you you do to that and that!”
    I muttered, “Then should I balance a beach ball on my nose and make seal noises?”

    In true narcissist form it went over his head.

    Does not make me feeling pressured to perform any less.

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    1. LOVE your reply! You’ve hit the nail on the head – that’s exactly how I feel…. jumping through hoops and performing tricks to make others happy and comfortable around me. BOOOOO! I’m terrifying, aren’t I…..

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  6. A million times THIS! We cannot be something that we are not – our genetic wiring of our brains ensured that yet the world demands otherwise. It is exhausting. And then they wonder why we get so angry so often. I can’t imagine… 😛 Hang in there! ❤

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  7. ***** A five star post. If you have not seen the Facebook page or website for takingthemaskoff.com than I highly recommend it. It changed so much for me. I found myself with tears rolling down my face and a sense of relief. Some of the content was also difficult to read. It hits close to home, but you LEARN from it. He shows you that you shouldn’t have to change. Yes, you need to be stable and not be a danger to yourself or others. Beyond that it’s your life, no one else knows what you deal with day to day. No one has the right to tell you or even suggest how you should act or not act. He did have a blog on WordPress but it became so popular he started his own website. It might still be on here. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the 5 stars, Darie! I’m honoured and glad you could identify with this post and not feel alone. I used to follow takingthemaskoff on wordpress. I had wondered where he had disappeared to. Will definitely check him out on Facebook. Thanks for that 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hello
    We haven’t talked in quite awhile, glad to see you today. One of the things I had to do as I reached 25 or so, was admit I had a mental illness.The bad habits and behavior became clear. Processing the truth took time, I had to learn who I was when not hiding these big secrets. I told lies to many/most people to hide child abuse, cutting and being crazy. I new nothing about mental illness. I lied for attention and to direct conversations away from my home life. Another step you have to take is understand why you’re lying. If you soul search you’ll know if it’s a life long habit or when it started. Once you know when it started you can pin point possible reasons and what you’re willing to do to change.
    Your a very strong woman, taking huge uncomfortable steps to move on. I have faith you can tackle this hurdle.
    Thinking about you.
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wonderful and powerful piece, all the more so because it is an honest expression of your life and experiences.

    I could relate to much of what you wrote, as someone with mental health issues and challenges, I have often been invalidated and diminished by others. I’m so sorry we all go through that.

    Thank you for your writing and your hoesty and courage. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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    1. Thank you so much Kate! What a kind response. This was one of those posts where something had just happened and I immediately sat hacking away on my keyboard, letting it all out. But I really am getting so tired of the way in which we are treated. But in the end I guess we all just learn to live with it. I’m glad you could relate and take some encouragement in not feeling alone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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