Caught in a maze of madness

*warning – bad language*

I gave in. I contacted(text) The Narcissist. The worst part is I resorted back to my usual old behaviour. I was COMPLIANT. It shames me to even admitt this. I APOLOGISED!!! How do I take abuse and think it is I that should make peace from HIS chaos. That I feel beholden to ‘fix’ things, calm the waters and make him happy? That I should apologise for WHAT?…. STUFF HEEEEEE’S DONE. I’m an absolute pathetic piece of shit. How dare I allow myself to treat myself this way. To condone his attacks, his twisting of everything, his abuse, blaming me for WHAT??? It’s like being chased in a maze of madness. I get confused in the choas of blame AND THEN I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!!! Not him. Oh no, he’s too busy being self-righteous and attacking my character. Holyer than thou, fucking cunt. I hate him. BUT I DESPERATELY WANT HIS APPROVAL!!!! I WANT HIM TO WANT ME BACK??? WHY???? How does that even make sense?????????????

BUT THIS IS HOW I HAVE LIVED FOR 44 YEARS. Taking abuse and taking accountablity for it to meet approval. Feeling responsible and apologising when its not my fault, being undermined and compliant. To avoid danger. To secure my person sense of safety. To survive. How am I expected to break the cycle this far into my life? I was raised to be abused. I don’t know how to behave any differently. If I did I wouldn’t be doing this right now. The worst part is I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE HIM THAT MUCH. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!! A total mind warp. He’s a liar, he betrayed me, he discarded me once he realised there was no overstepping the boundaries. SO WHY AM I FALLING APART. I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT MUCH.

My ex-husband, Lover, The Narcissist – they all portrayed someone they weren’t. And then behind closed doors their true colours came out. All alcoholics, the three of them. At least they can escape the pain by drowning their sorrows. I don’t have that luxury. I walk through it bare naked. The abuse burning my skin to the bone, wounding, scaring. And each event changes me. Makes me more reclusive, less trusting. I don’t want to live my life like this, encased in isolation and loneliness. A bonafide recluse. But it’s the only way I feel protected.

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10 comments

  1. Dont over think it. You must believe that the narcissist (lower case “n”) is a master manipulator and deserves to sit in the corner with a dunce cap on. Tomorrow is a new day to not give in. I know you can do it. You can take the connecting link out of the chain of abuse. Tomorrow is another day to try. Not so hard on yourself my Friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Kirsten for understanding and supporting. You are right, tomorrow is a new day. I refuse to allow him to take any more space in my life than he has already done. His cruelty last night made a switch go off in my head and I genuinely want nothing to do with him. What you say about taking the connecting link out of the chain of abuse is so powerful. It makes me feel like I do have control over my life. Not the other way around. Thank you so very much ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are NOT a pathetic piece of shot! Don’t talk about yourself like that. You gave and and made contact and said things you didn’t mean to gain his approval. It’s a step back but you don’t have to fully allow yourself to fall back into that spiral. Step back. Take a deep breath. And try and walk yourself out of this situation. Take back what you said and stop the contact. It’s never too late to restart.

    I know exactly how hard it is to hold back and not give in. That desire to be validated by someone else. To be craved and touched and wanted by someone who isn’t even good for you. You told me that the other day, remember? That you understand. The feeling of wanting someone to want you back. But it’s the fantasy. It’s the lie your brain is telling you. Don’t listen to it! You have to fight back because you’ll only hurt yourself. I know this doesn’t mean much and you’re hurting but you have to fight through the pain. You can’t become a better person if you don’t.

    I’m here for you and I’ll do everything I can to help.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Jess! As I was typing and crying all over my keyboard and thought to myself “Jess will understand”. And I know you do. Your advice is comforting and so very logical. After his cruelty last night, a switch went off in my head. That craving has been turned off. Its crazy. I actually, genuinely don’t want anything to do with him. He is pure evil. So I’m going to stop and catch my breath, then find the positive in the situation, find my weak spots and work at them. I will not let him drag me down into the filthy gutter with him. Thank you for your love and support ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s in our DNA to crave human contact. That’s what being human is all about. There’s no reason to deny this side of you, even if you’re an introvert. The problem is your choice of humans.

    I have a lot of sympathy for those who suffer from addictions, but I don’t see how you could ever really bond with an addict. I don’t see how you could find any kind of safety or protection with an addict. Actually, you’re the one providing these things to the alcoholic — but I don’t think they can reciprocate. Their definition of survival is different than yours. Seems like you want to mother this dude, when you really need to be mothering yourself.

    Of course, it’s also about what you think you deserve. Do you think this dude is the best you can do for a partner? If so, maybe you should think about turning gay. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right – I know I’m a codependent and I attract needy men. Its a mind warp – I crave security, but instability and destruction is what attracts me. Its a conditioning since childhood and a cycle that I’m working with a therapist to break. And yes, self-esteem plays a huge part.

      And ‘turning gay’ is something my ex mother-in-law suggested following a comment to me that “he’ll stop drinking if you’re more subservient to him”. She is also an alcoholic. And I wasn’t born gay so that’s not an option for me.

      I have the utmost respect and admiration for recovering addicts. I’ve seen the battle up close and personal. But active addicts? You’re right, they can’t love because they love their drug of choice. They have no power over it. In my life, they are the enemy because I’ve been a casualty of them for far too long. Thank you for your encouragement

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Tomorrow is a new day. You do not deserve to repeat this pattern. You have the strength to break it. Please don’t beat yourself up so much over it. Learn and move on. I know, easier said than done. ***hugs***

    Liked by 1 person

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