*warning – bad language*
I gave in. I contacted(text) The Narcissist. The worst part is I resorted back to my usual old behaviour. I was COMPLIANT. It shames me to even admitt this. I APOLOGISED!!! How do I take abuse and think it is I that should make peace from HIS chaos. That I feel beholden to ‘fix’ things, calm the waters and make him happy? That I should apologise for WHAT?…. STUFF HEEEEEE’S DONE. I’m an absolute pathetic piece of shit. How dare I allow myself to treat myself this way. To condone his attacks, his twisting of everything, his abuse, blaming me for WHAT??? It’s like being chased in a maze of madness. I get confused in the choas of blame AND THEN I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!!! Not him. Oh no, he’s too busy being self-righteous and attacking my character. Holyer than thou, fucking cunt. I hate him. BUT I DESPERATELY WANT HIS APPROVAL!!!! I WANT HIM TO WANT ME BACK??? WHY???? How does that even make sense?????????????
BUT THIS IS HOW I HAVE LIVED FOR 44 YEARS. Taking abuse and taking accountablity for it to meet approval. Feeling responsible and apologising when its not my fault, being undermined and compliant. To avoid danger. To secure my person sense of safety. To survive. How am I expected to break the cycle this far into my life? I was raised to be abused. I don’t know how to behave any differently. If I did I wouldn’t be doing this right now. The worst part is I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE HIM THAT MUCH. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!! A total mind warp. He’s a liar, he betrayed me, he discarded me once he realised there was no overstepping the boundaries. SO WHY AM I FALLING APART. I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT MUCH.
My ex-husband, Lover, The Narcissist – they all portrayed someone they weren’t. And then behind closed doors their true colours came out. All alcoholics, the three of them. At least they can escape the pain by drowning their sorrows. I don’t have that luxury. I walk through it bare naked. The abuse burning my skin to the bone, wounding, scaring. And each event changes me. Makes me more reclusive, less trusting. I don’t want to live my life like this, encased in isolation and loneliness. A bonafide recluse. But it’s the only way I feel protected.