I’ve come to the end of a brief interlude with a man. He’s an addict – alcohol and pills. But I knew that going in. You’re probably wondering – Pieces, haven’t you learned your lesson from The Lover Incident? Yes, I considered that, but then I thought, it’s what I know and perhaps I’m meant to stick with what I know.
I was sure not to give my heart away. That was guarded under lock and key. I thought if I set clear boundaries, I’d be able to keep the chaos at bay. But as is with an active addict, he tested those boundaries. Pushed at them inch by inch. The first time he overstepped the mark and I pointed it out, he left in a grand huff and punished me with silence and short, vague texts. I became hysterical with confusion as my abandonment issues floated to the surface. The second time was a clear and definite overstep. I immediately called him out on it and he left in yet another grand huff and promptly broke things off with me later that evening. He ranted that I was taking away his identity and wouldn’t allow him to get close to me.
I am relieved, unexpectedly happy, and sad at the same time. I am relieved because he has done what I knew I would have to do – end things. I am happy because if the addict walked away, it means I’m making positive inroads into practicing and enforcing boundaries – a new skill only recently learned. And I am sad because I seem doomed to live alone. But then I thought, hang on, before you go drowning into a pool of misery, what about this…….
If these are relationships? I want no part. I’d actually prefer to be alone. And if I’m to be alone then I’m going to damn well enjoy it! I am going to make the best ‘alone life’ ever seen. I’m so fortunate, I have my new home and the opportunity of a new beginning. So to start with, I’m going to drag myself, brollie in hand, to the beach every Saturday morning to soak up some sun. If I have to do it kicking and screaming I will push myself into living. I will(try to) step out into bravery, I will(try to) explore and I will(try to) open doors of opportunity.
This will be what they term ‘growth’ so I’m prepared for some of it to be painful at times, but unlike earlier this year, I actually want to live an active and fulfilling life. So, see you at the beach motherpluckers….!