All I can do is try

I am bipolar and a recovering anorexic made fat by both side effects of bipolar medication, and a damaged thyroid caused by Lithium. Living single and alone, its not only a challenge to cook for one, but it’s a daily battle to eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Or even just to eat at all. I transition between starvation, comfort and binge eating. Everything to extreme, and nothing balanced.

This is my weekly journal of some of my meals. An attempt to keep account of my successes and failures with food. I’ve thrown in some recipes and tips and tricks as I journey towards balanced, healthy eating.

empty plate

Once again stress has gotten the better of me and I haven’t catalogued my meals this week.

I did roast a chicken and picked at its carcas for three consecutive nights. No proper meal. No plate even. Just the white meat dipped into a jar of mayo while perched on the edge of my sofa. I did an impromtu potato bake with brown onion soup and miracle upon miracles actually took some in to work for lunch. And even ate it. Well done for me. I’m 44 years old and can’t feed myself.

This past week I’ve curbed my peanut compulsion and have lost a bit of weight thankgod! I get immense satisfaction swiping my hand from right hip bone to left hip bone and thrill at the feel of a flatter stomach. I know I will never be thin again what with meds and thyroid… I know I never looked attractive as thin as I was, nor was I healthy. But I don’t believe I will ever feel ‘at home’ in my new body. This body is a stranger. And I have no control over this strange body with its compulsions and cravings and curves and cleavage. Its all so foreign.

All I can do is try. As with bipolar and it’s mood swings. I try and I try, every day I try to varying degrees of effort. But that is all I can do.

 

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5 comments

  1. I think it’s great that you are keeping this journal and even in the times where it hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped. I’m glad you staying strong and trying again. I had an easy fun recipe I tried this weekend, you might consider. It was plain quinoa, avocado and feta cheese. Mix it together and eat it warm or cold. I used multi-grain rounds for tortilla chips and ate it like dip. It was alright for a thrown together meal. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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