I wrote the post below over a week ago, during a hypomanic episode that lasted 7 days. I didn’t post it because I was working on a hundred million other brilliantly interesting things that had to have my undivided attention. None of which, like this post, I completed.
The insomnia that accompanies my hypomania always leads to a deteriorated ‘brain-ability’. So…. I lost the post. I’ve been hunting for it because, let’s be honest, it was simply brilliant, hypomanically speaking. I finally found it in my Recipes Folder! I was obviously cooking at the time I wrote it (2am).
Hypomania has lost its bluster, and as with anyone falling off a shooting star, I’ve fallen back to earth with a thud, and into a moderate depression. Since I’ve recently been posting predominantly depressed anguish and suicide, I thought an interlude of hypomania may bring a refreshing change.
12 days ago
No day is ever the same with bipolar at the wheel. I’ve gone from a bone-crushing suicidal depression to hypomania. Switching overnight. The trigger? Working late under high pressure. This threw my med routine, meal routine, sleep routine and…. BINGO… hypomania arrives to get the party started. The force of this was fed by the fight with my landlord.
I have no euphoria. Only churning agitation and an inability to sit still or focus. And then of course, always, the insomnia. One would think I’d be more productive with so many extra hours added to my days and nights and nights and days that stretch into a timeless limbo. But no. Instead I start one project after the other, leaving them abandoned, half finished, barely started before moving on to the next magical idea. My mind is a fireworks display of images ideas, words, rhymes. I’m often not coherent, thinking faster than I can verbalize. Yet strangely enough, I’m still crying every day, feeling sad and frustrated. Although, here’s the silver lining – suicide has moved from centre stage, to my peripheral vision.
Saw my doc on Monday. He confirms I’m unstable. Ya thunk! Although I’m impressed – my therapist is giving him feedback on our sessions. So, for the first time ever, I have a team of professional support. It feels good, I feel safe. Instead
I’m back on olanxapine for the short term, making use of its sedation to tackle the insomnia. I took it last year and it was honestly the best I have ever felt. However….. sensitivity to medication…… severe side effects. Doc stopped treatment of olanxipine because of water retention. And for your viewing pleasure, a side-effects slide show of my lovely swollen feet. I’d show you the swollen belly but I don’t know you well enough…