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I’m hypomanic.  Or its the espiride. I dunno anymore what’s up and what’s down.  I’m having BIG problems with my landlord.  Again, I’m unwanted.  He won’t fix the gate and I threw a fit.  It was deserved and now he’s intimidating me.  i’m so cick os men intimidating me, controlling me.  id ont care the mistakes anymore either.  i’m suicidal again after fihting so hard to get back up.  whats the point whats the pont whats the fukign point. my brain can’t evenspell.  so uncoordinated. everything evern life.  and by myself.  i don’t want to anymore, i just don’t.  now i have to move again and i dont do moving well.  and i’m unwell. so what the fuck. just gotta do it. ornot. ive had enough. my mind is leaking

i’ve had enough.  i give up. i be alive for now but i don’t think i can do this too much longer.  i can’t take the pain, the cruelty.  i just cant

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19 comments

  1. Hang on Pieces. Please try to get in touch with your doctor. Please stay safe. I know you are feeling awful and I completely understand where you are right now. So many of us do. You are an important part of the lives of so many people here on WordPress. Please get in touch with your doctor

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Leslie. I’m doing better today, but am considering going into hospital. I can’t make up my mind. I just don’t want to jeopardise my job. If I lose this job, I’ll never find another one ❤

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      1. Kind of. But I was off almost a month and a half end of last year. I still have sick leave due to me so legally they can’t stop me.

        But then I have to work with the offish vibes and people disgruntled because “but she was in hospital last year what’s wrong with her NOWWWW!” kind of attitude. My boss has told me to go to hospital and get myself sorted out properly once and for all, slapping her hands on her legs. I’ve tried to explain that going into hospital is not a guaranteed fixer-upper, not a one-stop fix all my problems. But they don’t understand and there develops this sense of intolerance towards me and I feel soooo guilty. About being absent, being mentally ill, being incapable, leaving them with my workload. So much guilt. You will understand… I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m the peacekeeper, I can’t be the cause of disruption. Oh Leslie, I hate being bipolar. But the good news is I see my doc on Monday. Thank you for the time you always take to show you care ❤

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      2. I understand all too well that feeling of not wanting to rock the boat. You don’t want to cause anyone any inconvenience at all ever and I understand that, too. A lot of my suicidal ideation comes from the feeling that I’m inconveniencing people.

        As long as you feel like you are ok to wait till Monday, then go for it. But, don’t sacrifice your life to avoid being inconvenient. (I’m counting on you to hang in there and remind me of this conversation next time I feel like you do now)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. haha, we’re two peas in a ‘pleasing’ pod. I like what you’ve said – don’t sacrifice your life to avoid being inconvenient. We’ll stick together and support one another in our suicide ideations ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to agree with the others. I know picking up the phone will feel like it weighs a thousand pounds, but pick that sucker up and call your doctor. Will be keeping you in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Bradley. I know I’m hanging on a string at the moment and am considering hospital – if I phone doc that’s where he’ll put me, I just know. But I worry about my job and taking more sick days off. But I am thinking of it

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