I want definitive, not experiment


Doctor, Doctor, I’m depressed and want to die. Espiride 100mg will be the answer. Two week follow-up appointment – I definitely do feel lighter within myself, however I’m still only on 50mg because of severe headaches . These are not migranes, Paracetamol makes the pain recede, but the headache is still dull in the background. I’m willing to persevere because we know I’m highly sensitive to medications and I’m confident that with a little more time, all will be well.

But no. Doctor has ingenious plan for a Clozapine/Voltaren experiment. The reason eludes me. It did not go well and on day four follow-up phone call, I told him I felt worse.

Change gears once again. Got a stockpile of Trazozoned-out at home? Instructions – take 50mg and increase every day by 50mg until you reach 400mg, then phone Doctor, Doctor. Because of known sensitivity I’ve taken a week to reach 150mg.

Result – I cannot function. Can’t wake up. Feel like a drunk, stoned zombie. Can’t think or focus. Battle to form words with my mouth as if I’m drunk. Muscle weakness has me weaving down the passage at work. Muscle aches from my jaw down to my feet are incredibly painful. An incurable thirst on top of my lithium thirst has me drinking water like I’m an empty fire hydrant. My tummy looks like a round, hot air balloon. I shouldn’t be driving – a close shave in traffic this afternoon, nearly in an accident. All I want to do is sleep. My eyelids are worn and heavy and keep falling. I cannot perform at work. Had to leave at lunchtime today. This does not bode well for my already sketchy bipolar image. My depression and desire to die has worsened.

Solution – DON’T PHONE DOCTOR, DOCTOR. What will the next fucking experiment be? After much thought and research, I have decided to give Espiride another try. I take full responsibility that this is a personal decision without the guidance of a professional. I’m taking back the reigns of my life and following my gut. My feeling is I don’t think it was given the opportunity it deserved. It pepped me up, whereas Trazozoned-out, well it’s erased my personality and my essence. I already feel like I want to die, so I certainly don’t want to be stuck feeling like the living dead. If that’s the case then I’d rather just be dead. Reasonable, no? I feel Trazodone is counteractive, not constructive.

So, still fighting, bob and weave, bob and weave, Espiride here I come. Again. Will someone throw me the water bottle please? My tongue seems to be stuck to the roof of my mouth. Again…



  1. I was really confused when he switched you to Trazadone. I use it for sleep and the last time I was in the hospital it was used heavily there for sleep as well. I didn’t want to say too much, because I am not a doctor.

    See if you can pick yourself up a bottle of biotene or the generic. It does help with dry mouth, maybe it will help with the horrible thirst some.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s to hoping the repeat performance goes way better on Espiride! Not sure if the same it true, but when my kiddo started getting headaches with his current adjunct med, they had him switch from taking it in the morning to bed time and it worked like a charm.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Trazodone did nothing for me. I’m praying that Espiride does the trick, sweet Pieces!!!!!!
    You’re a fighter, I admire you so much.
    I know all this shit sucks the big one, believe me, but please, no matter what, don’t give up, okay????

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was given Trazodone for sleep too and it really grogged me out during the day, so much so that I eventually went off it. It was like I had no ambition or motivation to do anything during the day. Trazodone seems like a curious choice. Good luck, dear friend!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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