Anyone for another cocktail?

So my doc’s Clozapine, Voltaren and Rivotril experiment over the weekend didn’t work. I’m even more depressed and desperately suicidal. I had to report in to him today. He said hospital. I said no, I’d rather kill myself.

Oh dear, then I think we need to put you on an anti-depressant”

cocktail of medsThe new experiment is to drop all of the above and begin Trazadone. I have boxes and boxes of the stuff from when he prescribed it for one of my bouts of insomnia. Soooo, I don’t have to bother with the medical aid, spend 5 days waiting for the posting of the meds, or have to cough up the cash myself. I already have a supply, so it’s the cheapest option. I like cheap, I want cheap, I need cheap. Remember the theme I spoke about?

So I start with 50mg tonight and increase to 100mg tomorrow and again the next day until I’m zoned out on 400mg. Night of the walking dead? Zombie apocalypse? I’ve heard its rather sedating. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery. Pftt, I have to get to work. And, is a hairdryer classified as heavy machinery?

So I’m slightly delirious with joy that I have an option available that includes a glimmer of hope. I’m doing all the right things – I even exercised yesterday, granted it was in my pyjama’s, but hey, I was moving the pedals of my exercise bike around. That counts. And I’ve finally tracked down a support group in my area. It’s a depression and suicide support group tomorrow night. Hmmm, suicide, I have a feeling I’ll fit right in.



  1. None of those meds were antidepressants??!! Sometimes I think I know more about medications than my Doctor. Viibryd is an antidepressant specifically for Bipolar Disorder. It works differently than the others. I’ve been on it for about 2 years. The biggest plus was I had no side effects. No weight gain or nausea. Good luck with group!


    1. Ya, there was a method to his madness. He doesn’t want me on anti-depressants because they destabilise me. So he was trying to treat my insomnia and suicidal tendencies. Apparently small doses of Clozapine have that effect. I went through an awful withdrawal of venlafaxine in Dec 2015. Because of that, I’ve been reluctant to back onto any anti-depressants. So I’m partly to blame *guilty* But I’m definitely gonna ask him about Viibryd. Thanks for that 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Viibryd is fairly new. Anytime I have to go into the hospital I have to bring the Viibryd from home because the hospital never has it. Sometimes they have made me go without because you can’t bring in “outside” meds. Viibryd, Topamax (mood stabilizer), and Adderall is my cocktail. I recently went off of the Topamax because it can cause Kidney Stones. I also lost too much wait on it. I went from 270 to 130 in a little less than a year. Then my kidneys failed and I lost another 10 pounds. I do not look good at 120. I’m 5’6″ so I looked sickly. Out of everything I have been on this was the best combo. I know everyone is different. I hated the ones that made me gain 40 pounds in a week and raised my glucose levels to the point of being diabetic! Ridiculous!

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      2. The weight loss would have been easier if I had a support system. Going clothes shopping in a “normal” size store for the first time ever was overload. My twin sister refused to shop with me because after having 2 children she was slightly overweight. She was always referred to as the “skinny one” and I was the “fat twin”. When I weighed less than her she became hostile. I endured years of bullying, going out with my friend and being the only one in a size 20 at concerts, not being able to wear what other girls my age were wearing, bothered me. The Doctors believe my Kidney problem was always there, it just didn’t show up until it got worse. They can’t find any other reason. The meds I’m on now really don’t have any side effects. Most of my health problems are hereditary! lol

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      3. Jealousy can make people so cruel. But I know what you mean about clothes shopping being overwhelming when you’ve changed your body shape. I come from the other spectrum. I’ve been anorexic my whole life. When I realized I needed to leave my husband, I was at my lowest – 42kgs for 1.67m frame. I wore kiddies clothes! Before I left my ex I knew I had to put on weight to handle the stress. But taking lithium and getting an underactive thyroid made me balloon to almost double the size in less that a year. I kept buying new clothes, then expanding out of those and having to buy more. Shopping was soul-destroying, fitting rooms? Don’t even make me go there. But I’m still trying to come to terms with my weight, four years down the line. Instead of a skeleton figure, I now sport a curvy apple figure. AND I boobs! FINALLY! 🙂 🙂 LOL

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      4. I miss boobs. I stupidly made the decision to have a breast reduction when I was bigger. I was a 44DD and had neck and back problems. I really did it because I thought I would look thinner and I thought a guy I liked only liked smaller breasts! lol The stupid things I’ve done. Now with the weight loss I’m a 34A but do a 34B and pull in any extra skin from losing weight too fast. lol

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hahaha – I’m a 36B and think my boobs are HUGE. But that’s going from flatchested. Our misconceptions about our bodies are strange, aren’t they. When I was a teenager I got a tattoo to impress a boy…. he never did go out with me lol!!

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      6. I now believe we were separated at birth and my twin sister isn’t really my twin! lol When I was 19ish there was a guy that did tattoos who hung around the house that I was always at drinking. He was adorable. Black hair, blue eyes, a combo I can never resist. Long story short, I woke up with TWO TATTOOS! One and eagle’s head on my shoulder which I had changed to a wolf and the other was a heart with wings like the Aerosmith symbol. That one was on my breast and after surgery wound up in a very odd place! (Still on my breast but not an areal I would show anyone!). lol We spent a few more days together and that was that. Stupid!

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    1. Please don’t be concerned Brad. I’ve got this. Kind of. I had a terrible experience in hospital in November and don’t trust the staff. I’ll do a post about it sometime. And its the only psych ward/hospital in the greater area. I will never go back to that hospital again – unless its outpatient for ECT. But I’m excited about joining a group tonight. Have looked long and hard for one, so pretty excited because I have no one (like zero) to talk to in my life. I think it’ll make a huge difference. Thank you for your concern and I promise, I will be ok


  2. “I’m slightly delirious with joy that I have an option available that includes a glimmer of hope.” I find just an ounce of hope is worth more than anything. It allows us to hang on, which means we might find out things can get better. And it might even mean looking at the hospital as a useful, safe place to be until you feel stable with the med. ❤


    1. Thank you so much for your comment 🙂 I’ve reached a point I never would have believed possible, I no longer entertain hope. It is lost to me for the moment. I had a bad experience at the only psych hospital in my town and will never go back again. That, and the cost is just way out of my reach. I will continue, as I have been since Feb, to fight and claw my way back. I used to be all about hope, but right now, its just not there. So I live day by day, my blog my refuge, and kind observations from people like yourself are my encouragement ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh! That makes me sick to hear. In my last blog I started telling of my story going to a rehab I went to voluntarily because I mixed the prescription meds that shouldn’t have been and then quit all of them at once. It was a horrible place that wiped out my bank account AND was a really awful place. so I don’t doubt that you could have reason not to want to return. I hope though that you’ll not lose all hope–that’s all we have in this word! And hope is finding what we need to help us feel better. Have you tried calling a mental health hotline that might help you find resources in your community? It’s frustrating, I know, but don’t give up on you–you’re worth a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks 🙂 I live in South Africa so there’s not much available except the doc’s and the hospitals. There is a support group I’ve finally found so I’ll go to that once I stop feeling so sick from the Trazodone. Thank you for the support, it means a lot

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As a certified homo, I think a hairdryer counts as heavy machinery. I mean, it is putting out some serious voltage to make my do that swoop thing.

    I want to say you will find the perfect med and you’ll be happy. Maybe you will, I don’t know. But I think meds only do so much.

    Meds get me to apathy, then I think I am suppose to fight. Suicidal thoughts? Absolutely. But not as mean or violent. So yeah. Meds are powerful. But so are you. Keep kicking ass.


    1. I know, right! And I’ve got the dreaded long, curly hair so add a diffuser and I think its a definite ‘heavy machinery’ 🙂

      I agree. Meds are half the battle. The rest is up to us. I have a choice in everything – attitude/action – even live or die.

      Check out this post I’m constantly trying to motivate and inspire myself to keep going. This post came from that intention. But its not just for me. Its for every bipolar that gets out of bed every(most) mornings. Its for me and you and everyone who fights and keeps fighting.

      But thank you Too Polar, I shall indeed kick ass with gusto 🙂


  4. Thinking of you; hoping with all my heart that the meds kick in right this moment. I wish there was a group like that up here. Make sure you go, sweet P.

    And if you honestly get too close to hurting yourself…Bradley is right -please just go the hospital where you’ll be safe. I’ve done it. Several times. It’s not fun, but I wouldn’t be here typing to you if I didn’t do it. Please consider it if things get that bad, honey. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Dyane 🙂 I’ve looked for a group for a very long time. I don’t have any family or friends to talk to which is why I’m going, even though I’m nervous as death. I know hospital sounds rational at this point, but I had such a bad experience there in Nov. I actually discharged myself after 5 days. Its the only psych ward/hospital in this area so I have no other choices. My doc knows what happened which is why he’s trying everything other than hospital. I’ll do a post about it. Thanks for your love and concern. I will be alright, promise ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Pieces I’m thinking of you. I hope that the group and the Trazadone work well for you. Be careful because the Trazadone can make you kind of dopey in the morning. Sending prayers for strength and peace!

    Liked by 1 person

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